Tom Brady’s Facebook Post Gave Turtleboy The Biggest Patriots Pants Tent Of All Time

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Tom Brady has released his official thoughts on the four game suspension being upheld on his Facebook page. And it has given Turtleboy the strongest, most raging Patriots pants tent of all time. His words are in italics, and our fan boy Patriots porn drooling is in bold:

I am very disappointed by the NFL’s decision to uphold the 4 game suspension against me. I did nothing wrong, and no one in the Patriots organization did either.

Despite submitting to hours of testimony over the past 6 months, it is disappointing that the Commissioner upheld my suspension based upon a standard that it was “probable” that I was “generally aware” of misconduct. The fact is that neither I, nor any equipment person, did anything of which we have been accused. He dismissed my hours of testimony and it is disappointing that he found it unreliable.

Perfect. Hey idiots – why did I waste my time participating in your investigation? You got NOTHING on me, and yet you still gave me the same suspension you gave a guy who beat the shit out of a woman and threw her on top of a pile of guns. Why did I bother even speaking with you? Clearly you knew what you were going to give me for a punishment this entire time. I could’ve been in Brazil conquering life, but instead I was talking to a bunch of talentless hacks doing the bidding of an entire nation of butthurt losers. 


I also disagree with yesterdays narrative surrounding my cellphone. I replaced my broken Samsung phone with a new iPhone 6 AFTER my attorneys made it clear to the NFL that my actual phone device would not be subjected to investigation under ANY circumstances. As a member of a union, I was under no obligation to set a new precedent going forward, nor was I made aware at any time during Mr. Wells investigation, that failing to subject my cell phone to investigation would result in ANY discipline.

A-fucking-men. Hey you want my phone? Cool, go get a court order. I’m not some scab who sets precedents that fuck over every other member of the union going forward. You wanna live in a country where random attorneys can demand to go through your private property without your consent? There’s plenty of room in Russia. 

Most importantly, I have never written, texted, emailed to anybody at anytime, anything related to football air pressure before this issue was raised at the AFC Championship game in January. To suggest that I destroyed a phone to avoid giving the NFL information it requested is completely wrong.

First of all, what the fuck is up with the word “destroyed?” The NFL literally made that word up to dramatize this whole situation. It sounds like he put it in a microwave and threw it down a flight of stairs. Hey, maybe he just threw the phone out? Because that’s usually what people normally do with old phones – they toss em away. Nah, better go with “destroyed” because that will get all the Patriots haters juiced up.


To try and reconcile the record and fully cooperate with the investigation after I was disciplined in May, we turned over detailed pages of cell phone records and all of the emails that Mr. Wells requested. We even contacted the phone company to see if there was any possible way we could retrieve any/all of the actual text messages from my old phone. In short, we exhausted every possibility to give the NFL everything we could and offered to go thru the identity for every text and phone call during the relevant time. Regardless, the NFL knows that Mr. Wells already had ALL relevant communications with Patriots personnel that either Mr. Wells saw or that I was questioned about in my appeal hearing. There is no “smoking gun” and this controversy is manufactured to distract from the fact they have zero evidence of wrongdoing.

Oh snap!!! Shots fired!! Brady not only gave them cell phone records and emails, he went out of his way to prove to them that there was nothing incriminating on any text messages he had ever sent. That’s pretty much the definition of transparent. ZERO FUCKING EVIDENCE!!!

I authorized the NFLPA to make a settlement offer to the NFL so that we could avoid going to court and put this inconsequential issue behind us as we move forward into this season. The discipline was upheld without any counter offer. I respect the Commissioners authority, but he also has to respect the CBA and my rights as a private citizen. I will not allow my unfair discipline to become a precedent for other NFL players without a fight.

I would literally kill a man for Tom Brady right now. 


Lastly, I am overwhelmed and humbled by the support of family, friends and our fans who have supported me since the false accusations were made after the AFC Championship game. I look forward to the opportunity to resume playing with my teammates and winning more games for the New England Patriots.

I need a cigarette after reading that. Wow. That was amazing. Not only do I get to root for the greatest quarterback of all time for the last 15 years, I get to watch him destroy the NFL during the offseason. It is a gift from God himself to born a Patriots fan. 

Honestly, I’ve come to the point where I actually appreciate all of this. It’s fantastic theater. The New England Patriots are pretty much all we have left of the crumbling Boston sports dynasty. I wish their season never ended, and thanks to Deflategate, it never really did. The Patriots are always in the news and we’re always reliving one of the greatest seasons in NFL history. Without the epic levels of butthurt around the league, none of this would be possible. 

So thank you to the all the Patriots haters out there from the 31 different teams. I haven’t spent one second of the offseason thinking about any of your crap happy teams and neither have you. Because the only team in the NFL that is ever worth talking about is the Patriots. Your teams are all irrelevant. And you have made this upcoming season the most anticipated in NFL history. Not only will Tom Brady not miss a single game because he will be playing while he fights this in court, but you’ve just motivated a guy who you definitely did not want to give motivation to. And Tom Brady with a chip on his shoulder is a dangerous fucking thing.  

It never gets old being a Patriots fan. 

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2 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    July 30, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Damn it feels good to be a Pats fan!

  • BobnMic
    July 29, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Halle – fucking – lujah! And, in my opinion, just as great as Tom Brady’s statement was – Bob Kraft redeeming himself about an hour ago to start off the Coach Belichick press conference. I thought Kraft manned up. Only a pussy does not apologize when they are clearly wrong. He apologized to us and everybody else for the decision he made last May. He made that decision (to accept the team’s punishment) for exactly what I thought the reasons were. To show a good faith effort so that Fidel Goodell would go easy on Tom Brady during the appeal of four suspended games. It was a business strategy move and everyone knows that Bob Kraft is a successful businessman and a risk taker. But did this risk work out?

    Fuck no unfortunately. The gentleman’s agreement was shoved right back in the face of the most powerful and influential NFL owner. Fidel Goodell did not honor the gesture and stuck it to Brady anyway. I agreed with the Turtle on the earlier post about him but I thought Kraft turned that shit right around. I was shocked with some of the stuff Kraft was saying. He really threw down the gauntlet.

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