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Turtleboy was pretty convinced the Bernie supporters would eventually come around and support Hillary Clinton for President. After all, Donald Trump is the racist antichrist, and Hillary is just the antichrist. But as we discovered when we went to Philadelphia today, Bernie people are batshit insane. And Turtleboy kind of digs it. As a matter of fact we spent the entire day pretending to be Bernie bros. We walked amongst them with our signs and messages, hoping to spread the word to the masses about the Gospel of Turtleboy. Ya see, we all know Hillary sucks. But there are so many dooshnozzles we’ve written about on Turtleboy that don’t get the play nationally that Hillary does. Here’s the Top 12 pro-Turtleboy signs at the Bernie protest today…..
10. Sam Allen Lies – Turtlegram = Hate Speech
It’s true. The Turtlegram employs hateful, bigoted old men like Old Balls and Spanky McFarlane, professional plagiarizers like Samantha Allen, and reporters like Lyin Kimmy Ring who cover for management. The Bernie bros were none too pleased to hear about this and are now riding the turtle.
9. No white cishetero patriaricy
White cishetero patriarchy is the worst!!
8. Sarai killed Vince Foster
Did Hillary Clinton kill Vince Foster? I dunno, wasn’t there. Also don’t know where Sarai Rivera was that night either. Not saying she did, but this hippie seems convinced that she was involved. And based on his “911 was an inside job” sign, it sounds like he does a lot of research via Youtube and long conversations with like-minded friends on bone rides. Either way, Ti-ti Ho frightens me.
7. Matt Money/Get Down Productions = Cultural Appropriation
Rap music was created in urban black neighborhoods. When white guys from Grafton Hill start making rap videos in the Building 19 parking lot, that’s pretty much the definition of cultural appropriation.
6. Fire Ashley Losapio
When we first explained to this guy what Ashley Losapio did the couldn’t believe it. How can a probation department employee give up confidential information on state’s witnesses, date the twin brother of a cop killer, and still keep her job? Oh yea, because her Daddy is a judge. Hey Ashley, we know you read this on the regular and you’ve been calling up your friends and asking who Turtleboy is. Newsflash – no one likes you, and they ain’t snitching. Give up on life and resign from your job. You are a disgrace and all the Bernie supporters hate you now too.
5. End White Supremacy – Tracy Novick is triggering
As soon as we started explaining to the Bernie people that Tracy Novick is basically the Hillary Clinton of Worcester, they were all in. Literally snatched the sign from Turtleboy and started giving it the finger. She is the face of white supremacy.
4. Free them Asian chicks from WANDA’S basement
So there was this hippie encampment there:
We walked over to them and they had a million questions about WANDA. They wanted to know everything about her. When we explained that WANDA once told people not to ask about who them “Asian chicks in the basement are,” they were shocked:
Bernie bros have no tolerance for illegal sweatshops and gave us some business contacts in order to report such misdeeds.
3. Amnesty for the Ware vibrator bandits
It was hard to explain this one to people down there. Hard to garner any sympathy for a bunch of white trash stealing lube and dildos from a CVS. So we just told them that the Ware vibrator bandits were undocumented immigrants who were arrested and were facing deportation. After that the faces of the Bernie bros lit up and they couldn’t wait to protect their honor!!
2. Laughlin Kennel likes Nickelback
It’s true. No one likes puppy mills or Nickleback, except maybe the Westboro Baptist Church. And that shirt is fantastic. I wanna have a Turtleboy party where you have to wear a shirt depicting the face of a presidential loser. Turtleboy has dibs on Bob Dole.
1. Free Trigglypuff
There are no words for this outfit. It is glorious. This was literally the first guy we saw when we got there and we knew it was gonna be an amazing day.
Anyway, these people ain’t NEVER voting for Hillary. EVER. They probably all just voted for the first time and found out the hard way tonight that their vote was worth shit. Now that Bernie has sold them down the river like everyone in grown up world knew he would do, they kind of don’t know what to do anymore. Time for the Black Men For Bernie bus to go back home:
So they started handing out free tea:
Free organic chocolate milk:
Building tee pees:
Writing “Bernie” in chalk:
Parading around Philadelphia with a communist revolutionary flag:
Talking about how they’re gonna save the planet
Doing laundry in the park while letting the American flag touch the ground:
Playing the guitar:
Playing Occupy DNC/camp out:
Overturning Citizens United:
And just being smelly hippies in general:
These people HATE Hillary with a burning passion. We polled a bunch of them and asked them point blank who they’d rather see become President – 4 out of 5 said Trump. Swear to God. Not that they like Trump, but they just think he’s up front about who he is – a racist asshole. Plus they think that Trump winning would be a huge kick in the ass to the DNC and would force them to do what the Republicans did this election – nominate the crazy one.
Anyway, the only guy at Occupy DNC who really understands politics is this guy:
“Fuck politicians – we are on our own.” It’s almost as if human beings have the power to better their own lives instead of depending on people like Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump to fix our problems for us.
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