All-Star Criminals

Three Of Ware’s Finest Rob West Springfield CVS Of KY Lube And Vibrators For Wild Night In The 413

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This is the most hilarious police report we’ve ever seen on Facebook, via the West Springfield Police Department Facebook page:

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Oh good, they didn’t steal any condoms. Shocking.

Seriously though, that’s pretty hot. They sell this stuff at CVS?? Kinky. Someone’s going to the bone zone tonight!! Safe to say the Agawam Motor Lodge is gonna have some laundry to do tomorrow!!!

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Here’s my question – if they have two dudes and one chick, then why do they need a vibrator? That’s emasculating man. It’s gonna be real hard to find them though. Good thing for them they don’t have any easily identifiable physical characteristics. Oh wait…..


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – anyone who doesn’t bend the brim of their hat is an asshole. The first thing I thought when I saw these pictures are, “these sexaholics are from Ware.” They might as well have it tattooed on their foreheads. I just can’t imagine them living in a place that doesn’t look like this:







Next thing you know we’re looking in the comments section and – BAM – this name comes up:

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Too easy. Cock Block INC. Such a Ware move right there. But does Kristy Beck have any tattoos that match the dildo hungry woman from the CVS video?



Oops!!! Shocking that this brilliant criminal wouldn’t cover up what has to be considered easily the most identifiable part about her – the mosaic that some crackhead from Gilbertville drew on her arm in exchange for a knobjob. And let me tell you, from the looks of some of their priceless Facebook memories it looks like they’re gonna be using all that lube tonight:



Hot. I love how she’s sucking face for this picture and the cigarette butt is still burning. She probably tastes like apple pie and broken dreams.

I’m sure they’ve been dating for a while though right?

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Anthony Caputo. Real winner. They’ve been dating all of three weeks and they’re about to get their first of many misdemeanors to come. Anthony’s gotta work on his stroke game though. I mean, he’s been dating her for three weeks and he’s already tagging up?


Come on bros. That’s a year three move right there.

Oh, and good news – Anthony Caputo just got off on his most recent court date!!

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Good thing he learned his lesson!!! She’s a lucky girl, I’ll give her that much. What woman out there right now wouldn’t wanna hitch their wagon to this winner:


Have mercy!!! You can always tell the people who only wear a shirt and tie on court days because they always forget the belt. LOL. The fact that they took these pictures to celebrate the continuance he just got in Belchertown District Court is fantastic.

Let’s check out what else we can find out about Ware’s finest:

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True that girl!!!

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Holy shit, this is what she looks like when she’s off of heroin?


Shocking that the landlord at her halfway house would find needles in her room and think that she might be using them for illicit purposes. Why would anyone ever think that?

Here’s her last boyfriend:

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He seems like a nice guy, but would he steal two boxes of KY lubricant from a CVS for her? Didn’t think so. Ride or die only with Kristy Beck.

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OK, the vibrator makes sense now.

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Yea, that seems about right.

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Can’t believe she doesn’t have this already.

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Solid attempt at the English language right there. That’s what a Ware GED in action looks like.

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If you’re posting memes about how good your hoo-hoo is, it’s pretty much only a matter of time until you rob a CVS of all of its KY lube for an all night ho-down in the Agawam Motor Lodge.

Anyone, thanks to the power of the Internet the tag-team champions will be in handcuffs by tomorrow. Ironically I think it’s a safe bet to say that Kristy will enjoy that. Don’t worry though, she’ll be back on the streets by Friday, applying for jobs on Monster and looking to turn her life around. LOL. Just kidding. Same time next week.



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73 Comment(s)
  • Dying laughing
    May 21, 2016 at 5:21 pm

    Someone I know used to live next door to get, and her own Dad called her “Kristy Kristy”

    • Dying laughing
      May 21, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      *her not get

      • Dying laughing
        May 21, 2016 at 5:23 pm


  • Joe Max
    May 20, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    Knew a whole bunch like her in Worcester. They were young and hot to start with. All dead now, the last one actually made it to her early fifties somehow. All aged quickly and to the max.

  • j
    May 20, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    The Agawam Motor Lodge was demo’d

  • Loving T.B. for exposing scumbags
    May 20, 2016 at 4:51 am

    Even with all those, I’d still be afraid of my pecker falling off. I wouldn’t fuck her with a 10 foot dildo and someone else pushing. I’ve been told it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway…I’d be too afraid to get lost in there and find other poor suckers from the day before.

  • BobnMic
    May 20, 2016 at 4:29 am

    Seriously though if you were to attempt to bang that? Would a full body rubber suit be enough? Or would a fucking hazmat suit with full mask be the safe way? Or how about a Viking Armor suit? With a sword?

    Or how about across the street and you could yell at each other that you were having sex between bus stops of course? Those bus stops gets kinda loud. Which is safer?

  • Loving T.B. for exposing scumbags
    May 20, 2016 at 2:11 am

    I also like how she posted on facebook that she hasn’t done heroin for 8 months and yet all the pictures of her, with her newest loser boyfriend, clearly show track marks on her arm! This piece of trash remind me of a girl nicknamed ‘dirty’ (no lie!) who lives in Gardner, MA. Her real name is Vanessa Lipke and she’s a backwoods piece of trash who let’s guys run trains on her in exchange for pills that she crushes up and snorts in front of her daughter and has tattoos on her ass cheeks that she got by letting 2 different tattoo guys fuck her first. Oh yeah, she was recently arrested for dealing pills with 2 other loser girls from the Gardner area, I’m shocked Turtle boy hasn’t done an article on them yet!

    • BobnMic
      May 20, 2016 at 2:49 am

      Ok but does she have a nice personality?

      • BobnMic
        May 20, 2016 at 3:21 am

        Aright just kidding fucknut thumbs down perso! Doesn’t anyone have a sense of humor on here any more?

      • Loving T.B. for exposing scumbags
        May 20, 2016 at 4:15 am

        her herpes do!

  • May 20, 2016 at 12:01 am

    To the admin of this page check out the Springfield police departments Facebook page and you could add to this story…

  • Dznutz
    May 19, 2016 at 10:57 pm

    The bitter “expose” by someone who tried to get a lapdance from her at a strip club and also failed to take her home and fk her, leaving him to drown his sorrows in his favorite shitty Budweiser product.

  • Wabbitt
    May 19, 2016 at 10:21 pm

    So we’re all just going to overlook her posting on Facebook about someone eating out her mother’s hairy snatch? :/

    • ProfessorM
      May 21, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      Yes, the answer to that question, is yes. We ARE going to overlook that.

  • JayC
    May 19, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    This one is definately a nominee for the TBS Hall of Fame. An article like this on The Turtlegram, MassLive, or Boston Globe would be written so PC to not offend the scumbags. Articles infused with Facebook and social media profiles that people are dumb enough to leave open to the public make TBS far above the rest and much more relevant because it isn’t sugarcoated. And that tie is one for the ages!

  • Niki Schoenfeldt
    May 19, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    While I do appreciate what you’re doing here, (love the humor!) please know that neither one of those losers are Ware peeps. Just a couple of scumbags who have decided to live on the state’s dime in Ware. I don’t know where they hailed from, but I wish they’d go back!

    Public housing ruined Ware and now the natives are stuck watching it fall to ruins. Just let me give a shout out to all the really great people who live in Ware & suffer a bad rap. I’m not ashamed to say I grew up there. I am ashamed when people people assume that Ware folks are like these dirtbags.

    • Wendeline Piche
      May 19, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      Thank you, Niki…… on!!

  • i fuck your bitch
    May 19, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Turtle fag back at it again with the bullshit

  • FiestyLawyerLady
    May 19, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    I don’t know about you but when I go to CVS I prefer the cashier doesn’t ring up my dicks and peanut m&ms purchase in the same transaction…. Not my idea of a comfortable situation.

  • Rico
    May 19, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    She looks like she’d enjoy being in a bukkake party

  • May 19, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Please don’t steal, or even buy, your sex toys from CVS. Contact me, I do home parties. Not that type, you perverts. The educational, fun ones! Athena’s By Chassity

    • Kim Lancto
      May 19, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      Dammit chass I was just going to leave a comment

    • Wabbitt
      May 19, 2016 at 10:19 pm

      I’ll stick to buying my lube and sex toys online, thanks. And condoms too, actually. Hard to find polyurethane in stores and my lady is allergic to latex.

      • ProfessorM
        May 21, 2016 at 5:28 pm

        I am allergic to latex too, wabbit…. When I did need them the only other alternative was sheepskin… At 36 bucks for a pack of three, the hubby used to joke that a hooker would have been cheaper!!

  • Kat
    May 19, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Bet they were sad to hear the Agawam Motel was demolished last week…

  • Oak55
    May 19, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Just an FYI, but the Agawam Motor Lodge was sold and torn down. Thank Christ.

  • Steven Stover
    May 19, 2016 at 9:19 am

    If they could they would vote for Jim McGovernment.

  • YourAmazed
    May 19, 2016 at 8:26 am

    This reads like an episode of “Hell On Wheels, 2016”, especially with the added pictures of Ware.

  • Dan
    May 19, 2016 at 8:20 am

    Funny story I was at the cvs pharmacy getting my meds and this winnin couple walked up behind me asking if they sold syringes and I started dying laughing. 2-3 days later I see articles like this wth their picture and I’m dying all over again Hahahaha fucking idiots

  • doug
    May 19, 2016 at 8:14 am

    guaranteed obama voters, [if they found the time or the “thoughts’ to vote at all !!!

  • Livesinlowell
    May 19, 2016 at 8:01 am


  • Ky glideeeee
    May 19, 2016 at 7:57 am

    It seems Anthony dumped her as now he’s erased from her Facebook. Embarrassing for them all but that third guy lucked out by not being called out with them.

  • Scared for the future
    May 19, 2016 at 7:33 am

    No condoms though….oh God, the possibility of these two breeding…..more and more each day I become afraid to grow old and wind up in a nursing home being taken care by aids who are the offspring of people like this…

  • Jen
    May 19, 2016 at 6:54 am

    That tie though! Lmao!

  • BobnMic
    May 19, 2016 at 2:12 am

    Ok so back to the business at hand here on the subject at hand before Jon and I formulate a plan to blow the fucking entire northwest section of Worcester, Massachusetts up on July 4th and off the map entirely. Time to divert.

    So ok. What in the flying fuck all flying fucks is that girl going to do when she someday grows up and realizes that her tattoos are not only ugly and stupid but make you completely unemployable. What then? And that will happen sooner than later for sure.

    When a person goes that crazy with tattoos – do they tattoo their brown star as well? No offense to the mild tattoo personnel but a fucking AAA road map already? Comeon.

    • Linda-Linda-Linda
      May 19, 2016 at 6:09 am

      She’s never ever going to try to get a real job that involves getting up in the morning, getting dressed like a normal person and going somewhere to work in a normal workplace. EVER. She might be a stripper or something for a while or maybe make a career of collecting handouts from the government. But actual normal work? Don’t think that will happen.

    • Noodly Appendage
      May 19, 2016 at 6:55 am

      Girls like that neverer grow up and given her drig abuse history she may not grow too old.

      Women like that should they age end up as toothless bar flies rubbing their dry aged bodies all over everyone in the hope they will be her meal ticket for a night.

      • Catherine
        May 19, 2016 at 8:56 am

        Well now lmao

    • I'mSparticusBobnmic
      May 19, 2016 at 9:42 am

      There has been an infestation of ‘fake Bobnmics’ on the posts lately: Bizarobobnmic, antiBobnmic, Bobnmic (the imposter), and then just a bunch of other dooshlzs like myself that want to be him from time to time. But I think that despite the cheesy Tasmanian Devil logo he used to sport, this could really be the real Bobnmic: incriminating sociopathic threats done on the internet, few supporters, unintelligent tirades filled with strange expletives, and a public service announcement all the same time in one post. Welcome back Bob

      • Bob'sNuts
        May 19, 2016 at 12:24 pm

        And isn’t it cute that he has a new internet girlfriend (Jon) now that Feisty won’t talk to him anymore? LOL

        • BobnMic
          May 19, 2016 at 2:47 pm

          Some people hate others with strong opinions. Aint life a bitch. So should I, A:Keep quiet and contribute nothing like the SJWs would absolutely love or, B: Tell you to go fuck off and get a life?

          Hmmm let me think. I’m gonna go with option B.

          • U.AndoreBobnMic
            May 19, 2016 at 5:11 pm

            welcome back Bob!

  • Tynan Santana
    May 19, 2016 at 1:50 am

    This is gold

  • Shellikins
    May 19, 2016 at 12:53 am

    Hey – sad bit of news for ya, Turtleboy. Agawam Motor Lodge has been torn down. They will have to go back into West Spfld. and hit up the Medallion Motel instead!

  • Jon
    May 19, 2016 at 12:19 am

    $10 say she was at the Auburn gang bang.

    • Jon
      May 19, 2016 at 12:38 am

      This is what happens when “innocent” hookers don’t get paid for gang bangs…they’re forced to steal tons of lube, dildos, vibrators, and the ‘hearts’ of some young men. hahahaha

      I love the fact that, back in the day, when shit like this happened – it was always pure speculation as to whether or not it actually happened…but thanks to technology, we can now have complete verification that this shit actually happens.

      At the same time though, I miss the old days…back when an argument about “whatever” between friends would be impossible to resolve (because u didn’t have a super computer in your pocket.) There are benefits to having the information at a whim, but it is equally concerning…especially when you have idiot parents who give their kids too much “screen” time, read books to them online versus actual books, and continually show their kids that they constantly rely on their pocket computer for EVERYTHING.

      Well this certainly went off subject. fuck you all. ‘night bitches.

      • Senor Boy de Turtle
        May 19, 2016 at 12:44 am

        Ha…I remember those days. and yes, you got way off subject. good night.

        • Jon
          May 19, 2016 at 12:48 am

          Good man.

    • JoeMomma
      May 19, 2016 at 7:17 am

      She would have to pay the men…….

  • C d
    May 19, 2016 at 12:14 am

    This is like a masterpiece…lol a documentary really exposing the sad life of a junky,

    • Kori Tyler
      May 19, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      As sad as these people are.. obv they cf idibt expect what they did to turn into this. Obv this girl is an addict and needs help..not the asshole who wrote this to go out out his way and spend two hours diiging through her face book to put together an unprofessional article about how sad her life is. And everyone thats laughing at her and her pain is just as sad and pathetic as she is. I feel bad for this girl and I hope she gets the help she needs. No body wants to live like that and the guy that wrote this really sucks. He went way to far. The facts would have been sufficient. He didn’t have to trash her like that. Shows his maturity and compssion. Everyone thinks there so high and mighty but addiction doesn’t discriminate and no one is exempt. everybody and I mean everybody knows somebody in their family that is affected by an addiction in some way. So think about how u would feel if this as your daughter before you are do quick to laugh at her pain. people today are so cruel SMH

      • Linda-Linda-Linda
        May 19, 2016 at 6:28 pm

        She still looks and acts like a piece of trash – addict or not!

      • Wabbitt
        May 19, 2016 at 10:15 pm

        Never fails. Every time some repeat offender ends up on Turtleboy, some borderline illiterates show up talking about how we don’t understand.

        The only thing this future defendant missed was “only God can judge.”

      • Mateoblanco
        May 21, 2016 at 1:21 pm

        Oh stop crying, no one told her to be a fun in junky. You feel bad for her till she breaks in your house and robs you. If you don’t like the article don’t read it… No on feels sorry for her, ppl like her are whats wrong with this country, and ppl like you too lol… Friggin up tight liberal, prob a Hilary supporter lol

        • Kori
          July 7, 2016 at 12:40 pm

          No people like you are what’s wrong. nobody wants to live that way and she is obv a sad broken person.if having compasion for people that are so obv in need of help makes me a stupid or bad person. Than what are you, the people that laugh at snd put down people less fortunate than you. You better hope you never end up in a situation that your down and out bc its not that hard to get to bottom. In a car accident and on pain pills or a house fire and end up homeless. Bc in your opinion you wouldn’t deserve help right? Or if that was your daughter or sister. Some, BUT NOT ALL!!addicts are bad people.DRUGS MAKE GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS SOMETIMES. and to not understand this girl needs help and not cruelty and critisisim is straight ignorance. And like I said the facts of what happened would have sufficed..not a ten page article about her sad life. I’m actually a college grad ,a registerd Republican. Not by any means a liberal.

      • Sandra
        May 21, 2016 at 5:27 pm

        You should look into a Writing for Dummies class before you post in a public forum!!!

  • Publius
    May 18, 2016 at 11:52 pm

    Another home run piece, anyone wonder why Clive checks into TBS three times a day? relevant and entertaining a must daily read.

  • sue heff
    May 18, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Your a bunch of friggan loosers

    • Ms. Lotta Leadpipe
      May 18, 2016 at 11:40 pm

      LOL! Did you mean to say, “You’re a bunch of frigging losers”?

      • Jon
        May 19, 2016 at 12:23 am

        He’s wicked friggan loose man…don’t u know about those friggans…they’re friggin’ crazy losers.

    • LivesInLowell
      May 19, 2016 at 7:35 am

      Words are hard. 🙁

      • Mighty mite
        May 19, 2016 at 7:56 am

        Isn’t it Words is hard or words be hard?

        • Wabbitt
          May 19, 2016 at 10:12 pm

          Words am be hard, yo.

    • Sam Burnside
      May 19, 2016 at 10:54 am

      Haha! Repeat after me:
      You’re a bunch of friggin’ losers.

    • May 21, 2016 at 5:07 pm


    • May 21, 2016 at 5:09 pm

      * You’re

  • Reddog
    May 18, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    Did you see the paneling on the walls? Straight out of 1974. Nice place.

  • sweetwilliam
    May 18, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    Hope he was charged and found guilty for that tie.

  • Clive's not racist, just ask him
    May 18, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    That tie belongs on a 4 year old, they aren’t supposed to end an inch below your nips, brah.

    • Hugh Jassol
      May 18, 2016 at 11:52 pm

      Finally got to clip on the tie he was gonna wear to his first communion.

      • Sea01
        May 19, 2016 at 1:27 pm

        He’ll get his first communion in jail…without KY.

  • John Wick
    May 18, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    That chest piece is pretty distinguishable, even with CVS’ grainy security footage.

    Well done TB. You’re some Jack Reacher or something.

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