Top 10 Characters From Orange is The New Black

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So I threw this one out there on Facebook today,

Finished Season 2 of Orange is the New Black Yesterday. First of all, awesome, awesome show. If it keeps going it has the potential to be one of the best of all time. We’re talking Breaking Bad, Sopranos status. The show makes you realize that prisoners are people too, and underneath it all their souls are redeemable because all human beings have goodness at their core…….Except Vee. Fuck Vee.

And I got a spirited reaction and decided to blog it. Orange is the New Black is easily one of the Top 5 shows I’ve ever seen. I don’t give a shit if it’s supposedly a chick show. It kicks ass. First of all, what makes this a chick show? The fact that the main character is female? God forbid. The show takes place in a women’s prison – so yea, it’s pretty shocking that most of the characters are (gasp) female!!!

The show is awesome on so many levels. For starters the acting is some of the best you’ll ever see. I compare shows that have the potential to be great to The Wire and Breaking Bad.  Those shows were awesome largely because of the acting. If you can watch a show and truly despise a character, the way you hated Uncle Hank’s stupid wife Marie, then it’s doing a good job.

That’s exactly what the characters on OINB do. So without further adieu, here are the Top 10 Best Characters from OINB….

10. Rosa Cisneros


Rosa is a bad ass bitch, but you wouldn’t know until towards the end. She gives zero fucks about anything because she’s dying of cancer, but she gave the same amount of fucks before she was in jail. A serial bank robber who made out with whatever Puerto Rican guy was sitting next to her before and after every bank she robbed, she grows on  you as a character when she shows the teenage asshole in chemo how to steal money from nurses. Then she kills Vee, making her an obvious choice for this list.

9. Tiffany Doggett


Awesome acting job by this psychopath. First of all, her background story is genius. She’s in jail for shooting a nurse at an ABORTION clinic, which makes her a cause celebrate for those who oppose ABORTION. Turns out she’s just playing them and she shot the nurse because she made a rude comment about all the ABORTIONS she’s had. She is by far the scariest person in Litchfield Prison until Vee shows up. I think we can all agree that there was nothing to like about her until she kicked the shit out of the 15 year paralyzed girl in a wheelchair. Because that girl was totally asking for it.

8. Lorna Morello


She might be insane, but Lorna Morello just does it for me. Easily the hottest babe in Litchfield. Sure she’ll try to blow you up, leave prison, break into your house, take a bath in your fiancé’s wedding veil, and jump out of the window, but it would be totally be worth it. She’s got the most annoying voice you’ve ever heard but her character is extremely likable. Most of the women in this prison give you reason to dislike them at some point. But everyone likes Lorna.

7. Gloria Mendoza


She might not be on your list, but I love this woman. At first I thought she was a scab because she took Red’s gig in the kitchen. But she’s a bad ass boriqua who keeps the other Latina’s in line. Unlike Dayanara’s shitty mother, she’s actually a good Mom too. She doesn’t do alliances, and she’s not afraid of Red or Vee. Her one rule is don’t fuck with her kitchen. I don’t give a shit, I think all of this makes her sexy as hell and the resident Milf at Litchfield.

6. Poussey Washington


I thought this was Will Smith’s girlfriend from Fresh Prince of Belair for so long until I realized that that lady is probably 50 years old by now. This girl grows on you. If you’ve ever watched The Wire she plays the exact same role that Bodie played. She’s the one person in the crew who isn’t manipulated by the flashy new head honcho. In The Wire that was Marlo, in OINB it’s Vee. Everyone roots for Poussey. Everyone.

5. Galina “Red” Resnikov


At first you think that Red is some bad ass KGB agent who’s definitely killed at least 8 or 9 people. Turns out she’s just a nice, down to earth lady whose husband got caught up with Russian mobsters. She puts up a tough front to bullies like Mendez and Vee, but in the end she’s pretty peaceful. Although she WILL stick a posse of elderly woman with shivs on you if she doesn’t get her way. And unlike Vee she builds her family on love and skittles.

4. Cal Chapman


This guy is so underrated, and he’d be ranked higher if he were on more often. Easily the funniest character on the show. I don’t know about you but I couldn’t stop laughing when he turned his grandmother’s funeral into his wedding in order to save money on the caterers. Dude lives in a van in the woods. Literally living the dream.

3. Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren


She might be the best actress on the show. She just sells this character to you so freaking well. She might seem like a nice, caring person sometimes, but make no doubt about – she will literally eat your face off in your sleep. She’s had a lot of prison wives but all she really wants is someone to play UNO with.

2. Yvonne “Vee” Parker

You know you did a good job with your character when everyone hates you and is glad to see you die. That’s exactly what Vee does. She’s the only prisoner with no redeemable qualities. No soul, nothing to like. Just pure evil. And just when she seems like she’s turned a leaf and done something human she goes and has sex with you before sending you out for groceries in order to have  you killed by a corrupt cop.

1. George “Pornstache” Mendez


Who else? This guy needs to be in more stuff. I don’t normally watch Law and Order, but I do when he’s on there. He was also Nicky Sabotka from The Wire, but nobody remembered because he was from the ill-advised Season 2 where they unfortunately made white guys the main characters. Oops! Anyway, the guy just dominates Litchfield Prison like no one ever has. He deflowers who he wants, when he wants, and where he wants, and he is the king of one liners.

For instance, his strict rules for visits: “No tongue fucking in the visitation room,”

His rules about being outside: “Two speeds in my yard: Walk and shuffle.”

and of course his defense of the porntache: “No; Fuck, not gay. The stash is not for fags. It’s for fuckin’ men. It’s fuckin’ all beef. Fuckin’ cunt-rammin’ awesome.

It’s always memorable when Mendez says something.

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Comment(s)
  • July 23, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    I waited till I finished Season 2 to read this. So good.

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