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Top 10 Reasons The Patriots Are Still Guaranteed To Win Super Bowl L

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A lot of people are ragging on Patriots fans who, a) left the game early, and b) booed their ineptitude at the end of the first half loss to the Eagles. I just wanna clarify something. If you left early, you should be taken into town square and hung. You are never, ever, ever allowed back into a Patriots game ever again. The Patriots still had a chance to win that game yesterday like we all knew they would. And you missed it all because you didn’t wanna sit in traffic on Route 1.

But there’s nothing wrong with booing your team when they suck. It’s your duty to boo. This is what separates us from the rest of the country – we hold our team to the highest standard. We expect perfection because we deserve perfection. When you pay $40 for parking, $11 for a beer, and $100 for nosebleed seats, you have every right to voice your displeasure with the product you see on the field if it is unsatisfactory.

This is an article by Matt Doloff, the hack from 98.5 the Sports Hub who copies our weekly “Top 10 reasons the Patriots cheated” blogs every time we win. Here’s the dumbest thing he said about Patriots fans who booed yesterday:

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Newslflash – you can boo and still keep the faith. Booing is a sign of support. I boo Turtleboy Jr all the time during his games, not because I don’t support him, but because I love him. And I know that nothing lets your team know that they’re better than that more than some good ol fashion booing. It reminds them that they might be 10-1, and the Super Bowl last year was nice and all, but we expect their best every week.

Anyway the past 24 hours I’ve seen traitors like this masquerading themselves as Patriots fans, basically give up on the season:

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Remember them – they are never allowed back into the circle of the blessed. The Patriots will still win the Super Bowl, and here’s the 10 reasons why…..

10. The Patriots front seven is still the best in football. 

The Patriots are second in the league in sacks, fourth in forced fumbles, and third in fumble recoveries. We’ve already surpassed last year’s total in the last two, and we’re approaching last year’s total in sacks. There are still four games left. This means that our defense got a million times better up front AFTER winning the Super Bowl. Chandler Jones, Donta Hightower, Rob Ninkovitch, and Jamie Collins continue to be a force of nature. But it’s guys like Malcolm Brown, Jabaal Sheard, and Alan Branch who have put this front seven over the top. Our defense is approaching 2004 good. No one will have enough time to throw on us in the playoffs.

 

9. Malcolm Buter sucked last night, but he’s still better than Revis. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still want Revis on this team, and we still could’ve afforded him. But Malcom Butler has been shutting down the best receivers in football this season like it’s going out of style. Odell Beckham Jr has been burning everyone’s piehole the last month. Everyone except Butler. You cannot win the Super Bowl without a shut down cornerback, and the Patriots have one.

 

8. Gronk

I don’t even care if he’s healthy next week, I don’t wanna see him until the end of the season. We should easily be able to beat the four crapbag teams left on the schedule without him. If we had Gronk yesterday we win by 20.

 

7. Julian Edelman

I didn’t really just how important Edelman was to this team until he got hurt. After watching some of these CHUMPS we’ve brought in, like Keshown Martin and Chris Harper, you realize that not everyone can go across the middle, juke people out of their shoes, get creamed, and then stand up and do the first down signal. Him and Gronk back makes this lineup unstoppable. Without them, they’re still pretty good, but Brady has to do it all himself.

 

6. National media is gonna start saying stupid shit. 

We need another Deflategate. Something. Who’s got Bob Kravitz number? We’ll give him a free Turtleboy hoodie if he makes up another fake cheating scandal to light a fire under Brady’s ass. If it’s not him then someone will. Everyone’s gonna start picking the Panthers or the Cardinals or the Bengals or the Broncos to win the Super Bowl now, which is exactly what we want them to do.

 

5. Both the Bengals and Broncos will lose again this year – the Patriots will not. 

Jets, Dolphins, Titans, Texans. Give me a break. That’s four wins right there. All we need is the Broncos and Bengals to each lose one game each. They play each other, so one has to lose. They also both play the Steelers, who are probably the second best team in the AFC. We get home field advantage in the playoffs and you can book your ticket to San Francisco before they jack the rates up.

 

4. Andy Dalton and Brock Osweiller

Close your eyes and imagine either of those chumps playing in the Super Bowl. You can’t. Only Brady, the Rapist, and MAYBE Alex Smith could ever get there. If this is what your competition has at quarterback then you don’t have any competition.

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3. There’s a million different ways the Patriots could still be undefeated if they wanted to be. 

Everyone knows the refs handed the Broncos that game. It counts in the standings, but it doesn’t really count as a loss. Even Broncos fans know that. I’m not whining, it’s just a scientific fact. Yesterday’s loss had nothing to do with the refs. We just chose to let them win. They won on punt block after we could’ve run out the clock, and a punt return that will never happen again. We decided to drop every pass, not block, and make loony-toon coaching decisions. And we still almost won. There isn’t a single team in the NFL the Patriots won’t be huge favorites against at full strength.

 

2. Bill Belichick will never, ever coach like that for the rest of his life

I don’t know who that guy in the hoodie was yesterday, but we’ll definitely never be seeing him again. That was bizarro Belichick doing bizarre un-Belichickean things. The special teams coach is probably dead by now, so that won’t be a problem going forward. And Belichick will obviously never having Nate Ebner kick two unnecessary onsides kicks in the same game, especially when he employs the best kicker in the game who had already successfully executed an onsides kick. Belichick hasn’t slept since this loss and he won’t take  power nap for at least three days. This is going to eat him up on the inside and he’s probably already figured out how we’re gonna win the Super Bowl.

 

1. God still loves us more

I can’t emphasize this enough. We are God’s chosen people. God is just testing us. It’s easy to worship when things are going great, but will you turn against the Patriots when things aren’t going your way? Yes, you can criticize, but never, ever doubt this team. We still have Tom Brady and we still have Bill Belichick. And only a blessed people would be allowed to have both of those guys on the same team for such a prolonged period of time. This isn’t a coincidence. God wants to see if we will lose our faith. I know Turtleboy won’t – will you?

 

 

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2 Comment(s)
  • hetero white male
    December 9, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    The patriots are so fucking next-level that they let their opponent get ahead in throw-away games so that they can practice coming back. I mean, its the fucking Eagles. A 4-7 team with no playoff hopes AND they are NFC. That game was utterly meaningless. If there was ever an opportunity to try some crazy fucking shit, that was it! You can practice all the situational football you want during the week, but there is nothing like getting on the damn field and executing in a real game. “Lets try a crazy onside kick, just in case we need to pull one off in a REAL game.” “Let’s hand them a massive lead and then try to win in the last quarter down by 3 scores, just in case we are in the playoffs and need to make a fucking comeback happen.”

    You see, with NOTHING on the line, the patriots actually threw the game a little so they could LEARN and IMPROVE for it. You just watch. They are a PLAYOFF team. They don’t pull stupid stunts in divisional games, because they know those count more. The Eagles were a great team to try some stupid shit against. And you know what? If I were an Eagles fan I would be fucking offended that the Pats tried this shit and thought they could get away with it. But I’m a Pats fan, I and know Bill is the most next-level coach in the league right now.

  • Diamond Merchant
    December 8, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Bill saying there wasn’t time to explain why they made those plays though?

    I know you guys don’t like Felger, but he’s right. Bill, own it. Say you made a mistake, and it goes away.

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