Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Buffalo Bills

It’s only a matter of time until the butthurts come out in full force, accusing the Patriots of cheating to beat the Bills. So we decided to beat them to the punch and come clean and reveal the Patriots dirty, cheating ways. 

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As you know, the Patriots are incapable of winning on their own, so they have to cheat. Especially against a quality opponent like the Buffalo Bills. They’re impossible to beat without cheating. After all, how can you beat a third string reject quarterback like Tyrod Taylor without breaking the rules? So yea, the Patriots “won” today, but they obviously cheated to do so. Here’s the Top 10 Ways the Patriots Cheated To Beat The Buffalo Bills.

10. Rex Ryan didn’t know who Dion Lewis was. 

It’s already unfair that Rex Ryan was so overmatched by Bill Belichick. But this week Sexy Rexy said he had no idea who Dion Lewis was. Do you think it’s a coincidence that a know name running back had 6 catches for 98 yards, AND 40 rushing yards with a touchdown? Me neither. Obviously the Patriots cheated because they pulled a guy out of thin air, who literally didn’t even exist before today, and didn’t give Rex Ryan ample opportunity to game plan to stop him. #DionGate


9. The Patriots purposely let the Bills score on their first possession. 

The oldest trick in the hustler’s handbook is letting your opponent beat you at first, thus giving them a false sense of confidence, and setting them up to be demoralized. That’s exactly what the Patriots did with the first Bills touchdown. As you saw in that game, Tyrod Taylor is a joke. But yet on the first drive the Pats just let them waltz down the field and shove it down their gullet. Obviously they did this on purpose, which clearly is against the rules. #Hustlegate

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8. The Patriots purposely made the Bills think Aaron Dobson was terrible. 

Are you kidding me? Who the hell is Aaron Dobson and why did he have 7 catches for 87 yards? That guy has clearly been good the whole time, and the Patriots have been forcing him to suck for two years now, ON PURPOSE, just so they could unleash him this game against the Bills. All those dropped balls and bad routes he’s run? You’re telling me those weren’t by design? Give me a break #DobsonGate

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7. The Patriots forced the Bills to taunt them. 

Everyone knows that Rex Ryan coached teams are known for their discipline. They never talk shit. They focus on the game at hand and they do their job. And once the game starts, Rex Ryan teams NEVER commit stupid penalties. Not their style. So only an idiot would think it was an accident that the Bills had 14 penalties for 140 yards. Only a moron would think that the Bills would get three penalties called against them on a botched onsides kick. And most importantly, only a complete slug rake would think the Bills are capable of getting a taunting penalty…..on a play in which the Patriots scored a Goddamn touchdown!!! Clearly the Patriots were whispering sadistic things about the Bills players and their families, forcing them to taunt the Patriots and commit un-Rex like dumb penalties. #InstigateGate

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6. Tom Brady’s Uggs clearly give him super powers. 

Everyone knows that the only reason Tom Brady ever beat the Bills 23 24 out of 25 26 games (week 17 last year doesn’t count), is because he played with balls that had 0.8 less PSI than was allowable. Now that the balls are measured thoroughly before the game he should’ve turned into a crappy player with integrity, like J.P. Losman. But instead Brady came out and broke the record for passing yards given up by the Bills. Gee, I wonder how he did that without deflated balls? Oh yea, that’s right – he’s the only player in the league who wears Uggs. And everyone knows that Uggs give you super metrosexual powers. #UggsGate

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5. The Patriots balls were too inflated, causing them to score more than last year when the balls were obviously deflated.

The Patriots only put up 37 points on the Bills last year with deflated footballs. This year they scored 40, but they probably could’ve scored a million because those teams were slaughter. So where did these super powers come from? “Properly” inflated balls are clearly the culprit. Turns out the Patriots have been deflating balls because they like the challenge. But when they’re properly inflated, this is what happens. #Inflategate

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4. The Patriots intercepted three balls.

Look, you learn from day one in kindergarten that when someone is playing with a toy, it’s rude to take it away from them. You have to wait your turn or ask permission. And in football you get four downs before you have to give the ball to the other team. But not the Patriots. Oh no, they can’t wait. They intercepted Tyrod Taylor not once, not twice, but THREE times!!! Interceptions are the same thing as stealing. And stealing is cheating. #Stealgate

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3. The Patriots forced Bills fans to leave Ralph Wilson stadium early. 

Did you see that “comeback” at the end there for the Bills? Yea, neither did 20,000 Bills fans because they left at the beginning of the fourth quarter when they were down 37-13. The Bills were trying to break a noise record today, which was their only chance of winning. And what did the Patriots do? They blitzkrieged the shit out of them, forcing fans to try to beat the traffic. And when the Bills DID start to mount some sort of remnants of a comeback, they didn’t have the Bills Mafia there to cheer them on!! That’s cheating. #BillsMafiaGate

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2. The Colts purposely gave the Bills a false sense of confidence, causing fans to tailgate way too early

After that win over the Colts last week the Bills were on top of the world. They beat the team with the infamous AFC finalist banner by two touchdowns. In their minds, they were already in the Super Bowl. As a result Bills Mafia was tailgating at 5 AM today, thinking that they were about to finally beat Tom Brady. They drank, and they drank, and they drank. They drank so much that everywhere you looked people were getting puking, getting HJ’s, and singing “Let’s Go Buffalo.” 

Well it turns out the Colts purposely let them kick the shit out of them, because they wanted to the Bills fans to tailgate early, thus causing them to get WAYYY too drunk, passing out and looking sick all around Ralph Wilson Stadium. Why else do you think the Colts never addressed their shitty defense during the offseason? Because the entire league has been conspiring to fool the Bills!!! #TailgateGate



1. Roger Goodell made up Deflategate in a conspiracy to piss off the Patriots and force them to murder the entire league. 

It’s all starting to make sense now. Goodall and Bob Kraft were supposedly chummy-chummy. So why was Goodell going after the Patriots so hard? Because Kraft TOLD him to do it. He knew Tom Brady was 38 years old and coming off a Super Bowl win. He didn’t want him to become complacent so he made the whole thing up to piss off Brady, thus forcing Brady to bust out the KY Jelly and go to town on every team that he lined up against this year. Don’t you think Bob Kravitz, Gregg Doyel, Mark Brunelle, and Chris Mortensen came across as a little TOOOO dumb? Well that’s because they were all in on it. They were all on Kraft’s payroll. It’s genius really, but it’s still cheating. #KraftGate

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In all seriousness, today was awesome. All week we watched Buffalo fans get all fired up for what was basically their Super Bowl. But we all knew in the back of our minds that this was just going to be business as usual, because at the end of the day we’re still the Patriots and they’re still the Bills. As long as Tom Brady plays for this team, they will always be our bitch. I can only imagine the amount of butthurt oozing out of that stadium when the Patriots took that final kneel down. A couple Turtleboy writers were at the game and we haven’t heard back from them. No word if they’re still alive.

Up next in the Patriots rape tour de NFL is the Jacksonville Jaguars. LOL. Yea, they actually make us play this game. It’s almost not even fun. But they did beat the Dolphins this week, so maybe their nine fans will start some shit with us about cheating and we can actually have a reason to get into this game. Never forget that as a Patriots fan, God loves you more.

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20 Comment(s)
  • widerightyouloseagain
    October 19, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    What a loser of a team and city, as bad as it gets by far.

  • BobnMic
    September 21, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Pa·thet·ic (definition):
    1. arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness.
    “she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her”

    synonyms: pitiful, pitiable, piteous, moving, touching, poignant, plaintive, distressing, upsetting, heartbreaking, heart-rending, harrowing, wretched, forlorn
    “a pathetic groan”

    miserably inadequate.
    “his test scores in Chemistry were pathetic”

    synonyms: feeble, woeful, sorry, poor, pitiful, lamentable, deplorable, contemptible, inadequate, paltry, insufficient, unsatisfactory
    “a pathetic excuse”

    relating to the emotions.


  • Sam
    September 21, 2015 at 10:48 am

    bravo Turtleboy this article is well done and in great taste. #patsnation

    • mack4966
      September 21, 2015 at 12:04 pm

      Mike….I think I have detected a small problem here. You seem to be using an inordinate amount of words to say…..not much. Ease up a little. You will never get whatever your point is across by using words you have to look up. That is not impressive. should remember this… Football is a game, entertainment…. all of the drama, blogs, insults etc are just a part of it. It’s fun. Get it? No one really hates fans or teams, or cities. It’s just an emotional part of the whole drama… which, again, is fun.My best advice would be to relax…anjoy the season. Another season will follow this and then everyone can hate baseball teams> Find your sense of humor, Mike. We laugh a lot in New England. And, right now the laughs are pointed at Rex. I’ll bet even he would find that funny.. Well, maybe not so much

      • Mike
        September 21, 2015 at 12:22 pm

        Just because you’re not educated enough to understand the words, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be used.
        I’ve actually been saying a lot- whether or not you have been able to follow along (which you clearly have not) is no one’s issue but your own.

        I can laugh off anything, if it’s funny. This is not funny. It’s pathetic. Which is what I said way back at the beginning. It has nothing to do with a lacking sense of humor- in fact it’s the exact opposite of that. This site reaks of desperation and a futile attempt to be NE’s own sort of deadspin, with pointed “victims” but its terribly done. It’s misplaced arrogance, and its history extends far beyond this article, or Rex Ryan’s tenure. And your inconsistent and contradictory responses do you no favors.

        You have so badly missed my point, that you proved it for me- more and more with each response. So, congratulations?

  • Mike
    September 21, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Any reasonable Bills fans – which is most- i.e. the ones who you wouldn’t highlight on this site, because their opinions as posted online wouldn’t represent funny material- know that this game was lost squarely on the shoulders of Brady dominating their defense. We know the Patriots own us.

    Yet, that won’t nor should it stop us from rooting for the Bills, especially against a team which dominates them the way the Pats do. Your blog post is mostly dedicated to making fun of strangers who are guilty of nothing more than being passionate, dedicated fans. Similar to how Pats fans would have been viewed in generations past who still showed up to games despite the fact their team was, for the most part, a running joke for their first 30 + years of existence.

    How sad that is, really. The hypocrisy and irony behind your post is so glaring and examples of why so abundant, I don’t even know where to begin. But if anyone is truly pathetic, it’s you. Using the accomplishments of professional athletes (of which you have 0 influence on) to make yourself feel superior to a group of strangers, hundreds of miles away, because they happen to root for a different team? To call that a sad joke would be a true understatement.

    Finally- I notice from above commenters this is a Worcester based blog. Last I checked, Worcester is not exactly Montreal- or even Boston, for that matter. We know Buffalo isn’t the greatest- but it certainly has a lot to offer, and has improved dramatically in a short period of time, with the economic and social future of it only looking brighter. We are proud of what we have, our past rich with highs and lows, and work hard to create a better future for our community. You’d think someone from Worcester, a city which is far more similar to Buffalo than it is to many other cities, would acknowledge and appreciate that. Glass houses, as they say.

    • mack4966
      September 21, 2015 at 8:43 am

      Mike…the animosity shown to Buffalo has nothing to do with your team. Your new gasbag coach said a few weeks ago that he was building a “Bully Defense”…and they proved him right yesterday by drawing four unsportsmanlike penalties. One commenter noted that he thought the team was taking on Rex’s persona. His persona is to equate bluster, and anger with talent. Buffalo made a huge mistake hiring him…and, we are betting they will rectify that decision before the season ends. Other than that…good luck, Bills!

      • Mike
        September 21, 2015 at 9:18 am

        That is a ridiculous excuse. If the animosity was because of the coach, the blog post would be directed at bashing Rex. NOT at the fans. This is clearly directed at fans, as have many of his past posts. Rex Ryan was mentioned in 2 of the 10 on the list. So, please, don’t insult my intelligence by trying to convince me otherwise.

        • mack4966
          September 21, 2015 at 9:31 am

          Mike…. Perhaps you were a little Rexbrainwashed as well…..we can understand that. He is very persuasive. Just ask the Jets.

          • Mike
            September 21, 2015 at 9:55 am

            What does that have to do with anything I’ve written? When did I mention my opinion of Rex Ryan, and what even makes you think I support him and his coaching style?

            My opinion of Ryan is utterly irrelevant to my initial response to this blog post. Your asking if I am “brainwashed” does nothing to detract the points I made in my initial response, nor my rebuttal to your weakly crafted excuse of a response.

            You have refused to address the key points I made in response to this article, or properly rebuttal the fact that saying the animosity is directed towards a coach and not the fans- when the post clearly is directed at the fans, as have been countless blog posts on this site.

            My guess is, you are either a writer for this site or in the very least a strong enthusiast for it. In any case- your weak, peripheral excuse making on behalf of the post has only served to strengthen the resolve shown in my initial response.

            I await your response which will only further serve to prove me right.

          • mack4966
            September 21, 2015 at 10:39 am

            Animosity toward the fans? New England fans having been living with non stop animosity and insults since the Pats first Super Bowl. Winning, constant winning, apparently breeds contempt. So be it. We now believe succeeding in spite of all the irrational hatred builds character. I don’t believe that there is a general putdown of Bill’s fans. They are merely starving for a winner. As any loyal fan would. The real problem there, is that you have a coach starving for respect more than anything else.. But, he is incapable of earning it..He has demonstrated time and again his inability to coach. He is ruled by his emotions. Perhaps constant losing does that to a person. In any even we all love Buffalo… A great town, with lots of wonderful snow…which we love here. Buffalo’s problem is the coach. Get a new one….and, hurry!

          • Mike
            September 21, 2015 at 11:23 am

            You yet again prove my point,

            So because your fans receive hate for being successful, you find that a justifiable excuse for countless articles bashing and making fun of fans who, in and of themselves, are generally very likeable – as you have even said yourself? Again- this post and countless others before it on this site, as clicking on the “Buffalo Bills” tag easily shows, have been dedicated entirely to bashing the Bills and their fans. And because the Patriots have been “victims”, for lack of a better term, of hatred by the Bills and 30 other fan bases this justifies it? How? As I said before, that is the very definition of hypocrisy.

            And once again, you mention the coach- I get it, you don’t like the coach. Okay, so why then, do you not write articles bashing him? Your explanation of the coach being the root cause for multiple articles which take shots at the fan base is nonsensical at best.

            I’m not sure if it’s intentional or not- but the obtuseness which you show, and have continued to show throughout this entire discourse is astonishing. Thank you for proving me right so magnificently, time and time again.

  • WormtownorBust
    September 21, 2015 at 7:31 am

    That game was over after the first quarter.

  • Boston Girl
    September 20, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    What is it with everyone ranking on the Patriots?? They are a great team and they didn’t over-inflate the ball just so they could win!

  • Daryle
    September 20, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    At least no Bills fans lost their job today as a result of being at the game. Unlike the propietor of this site.

    Oh and I don’t work at a mill. IN fact few people in Buffalo do. It’s not 1950. A quick search on Google will inform you of the fact Buffalo is a city on the rise as noted by countless reputable national media outlets on a weekly basis.

    Have fun living in Worcester though (Worcester!)

    • BobnMic
      September 20, 2015 at 9:34 pm

      Hey Daryle – how’s your brother Daryle? And you other brother Daryle you fucking loser!

      • Daryle
        September 21, 2015 at 7:12 am

        Great come back! Really showing us undereducated Buffalo folk who the real witty ones are around here with informed, pointed responses!

        You still live in Worcester though. And still troll commenters on the site operated by a guy who lost his job because of his immature behavior at a stadium- and now obsesses over the team who plays there.

        Yeah , Id rather be me. But I mean, good luck with all of that

        • Wabbitt
          September 21, 2015 at 3:06 pm

          What’s that smell? Smells like butthurt.

          Yep. That’s definitely butthurt.

    • mack4966
      September 21, 2015 at 8:36 am

      Daryl…you are right, of course. Buffalo has a lot of great things. Unfornately a Football team is not one of them. Oh…and you don’t have a real coach either.

    • Steve
      September 23, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      Daryle. I love Buffalo. I love to visit and I’ve got lots of friends from there. It is a great town. The fans there are great. Hopefully someday they will have the football team they deserve.

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