Obviously the Patriots can’t win on their own, so when you see a score like 30-6 over the Cowboys you know they must’ve cheated. Here’s the top 10 ways they did it.
I gotta say, that was the least satisfying 30-6 win I’ve ever seen. I mean, I’ll take it considering we literally didn’t start trying until the second half. In our first three games we marched those teams 300 feet into the woods, had them dig their own mass graves, and then beheaded them and put it on Al-Jazeera. But this game was more like watching a sick old man die. You knew what the outcome was gonna be, but it wasn’t nearly as fun as murdering in cold blood. Not that the game was ever in doubt, but we should’ve beaten this team by at least 70 points. We haven’t seen Brady tossed around like he was in the first half since Kansas City last year. So how does a team play like shit for that long and still win? Well, it’s the Patriots, so obviously they cheated. Here’s the Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Cowboys. (CBS/98.5 The Sports Hub will be following with a really bad rip off of this list at some point tomorrow and then claim they never saw this. They always do.)
10. Illegal home game for the Patriots.
Did you see that crowd? Patriots fans took over that stadium, which doesn’t make any sense because the Cowboys are supposedly America’s team. Ya got that? A team whose mascot is a minimum wage Mexican farmhand that was driven out of business by barbed wire and declining cattle prices, is America’s team. Not the team named after the biggest bunch of badasses who took down the greatest military empire the world has ever seen without ever leaving home. Obviously the Patriots somehow found a way to illegally buy out all those tickets and turn this into a ninth home game. #CrowdGate
9. Stephen Gostkowski is using anti-gravity balls.
All week I’ve been hearing Tony Masserotti tell me that Gostkowski is “good, not great.” Well today he didn’t just hit a 57 yard field goal, he NAILED the shit out of it. That would’ve been good from 70 yards and Microsoft Word couldn’t have centered it any better. Seriously, his kicks leave no doubt from the second they leave his foot. Balls aren’t meant to go that straight and stay in the air for that long. Probably because they’re Patriot-brand anti-gravity balls. Bob Kravitz’ unnamed league source told me. #GravityGate
8. Tom Brady quarterback sneak for touchdown.
This is his favorite move. Rush to the line and sneak it in. Why so sneaky Tom? Can’t take your time and give the defense a fair chance of stopping you first? You gotta “sneak” it in? Probably because you know they’ll stop you if you slow down and wait for them to get ready. #SneakGate
7. Gronk illegally tossing Cowboys players out the club.
He didn’t score but he was tossing Cowboys players around like they were Puritan women with an opinion. Newsflash – according to the rules the defense is supposed to do the tackling, not the offense. Gronk obviously thinks he’s captain bad ass and can tackle people and toss them out the club whenever he sees fit. You’re on offense, you’re not supposed to be the one doing the tackling. #OutTheClubGate
6. Too many white guys.
Look, this is is the NFL. You’re not supposed to have this much success with so many white guys. Gronk isn’t human, so it’s understandable that he dominates. But Edelman and Amendildo? No one can dominate this much with 5’8″ white guys. Not unless they’re cheating. Haven’t you seen Rudy? Guys like that are supposed to get in at the end of the last game when the score doesn’t matter, not score 58 yard touchdowns. #WhiteBoyGate
5. Tom Brady’s helmet covered his hair.
Greg Hardy only had one sack today. Probably because Tom Brady was wearing a helmet. Everyone knows that Greg Hardy can only take people down when he grabs them by the hair. Just ask all of his ex-girlfriends. #HelmetGate
4. Dion Lewis is lubed up with vaseline.
Rex Ryan still doesn’t know who this guy is. Seriously, Dion Lewis were as good as he is looking now, then why wasn’t he doing this in Philadelphia? Probably because he’s lubed up with vaseline. How else can you explain the fact that people were sliding off of him like the cheese on a greasy Worcester pizza? #LubeGate
3. Patriots ordered the hits on Tony Romo and Dez Bryant.
Everyone knows the Cowboys aren’t the same without Dez and Romo. Did you see Brandon Weeden today? That guy was a first round draft pick three years ago…..by Cleveland. Because….Cleveland. To say he sucks is the understatement of the century. All I can think of while watching him was how blatantly unfair it is that Tim Tebow can’t get a job. And he was throwing to an aging tight end, a below mediocre receiver (Williams) and a crappier version of the small white guys we employ (Beasley). But Romo and Dez WILL be coming back in a month. Gee, don’t you think it’s convenient that they are BOTH injured for the Patriots game? Obviously Belicheat and the Ernie Adams Mafia paid off the Giants and Eagles to take these guys out, because everyone knows you can’t beat the Patriots with this guy as your quarterback. #WeedenGate
2. Julian Edelman is a gypsy.
What the hell was this?
That is some gypsy shit if I’ve ever seen it before. This isn’t Barry freaking Sanders or Ladanian Tomlinson out there. It’s a 7th round draft pick quarterback from Kent State. He’s not supposed to be able to break the ankles of NFL players without even making contact with them. #GypsyGate
1. The Patriots have penises.
Everyone knows Greg Hardy is an All-Star when it comes to beating up women. He dominates that game like none other. But the Patriots all have penises, so guys like Tom Brady, Legarette Blount, and Dion Lewis just kept on getting up every time Hardy hit them. None of his ex-girlfriends ever got up when he hit them. It’s not fair. #PenisGate
So this is it. This is the week we’ve been looking forward to since Bob Kravitz made up Deflategate to get Twitter followers and con his kids into loving him nine months ago. Kravitz is already making up excuses:
Hey idiot, still think PSI matters? You gotta pretty sweet deal out of it. All of a sudden some loser midwestern Purdue beat guy got attention from people for the first time in his miserable, failed career as a journalist. In case you haven’t seen by now, ball pressure doesn’t matter. You knew that after we beat you 42-7, but you made Tom Brady destroy you and Roger Goodell in court, and now he’s angry. I’ll see you in Indy next week Bob-O. I’ll be the guy outside the stadium selling KY Jelly. You guys are gonna need it, because Brady is going to plow you like you’ve never been plowed before. You’ll feel a lot better on Monday if you lube up first.