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Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Dolphins

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Another week, another Patriots facializing victory on their burn everything to the ground tour de NFL. I mean, that 36-7 pounding of the Dolphins wasn’t even remotely entertaining. At no point in the game was the end result every in doubt. And the best part was the Patriots never let up until it was over. Because we’re not just beating teams this year, we’re kidnapping your family and throwing them off a building while you’re tied to a chair. Obviously this unprecedented level of winning doesn’t happen without cheating though. Here are the Top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Dolphins.

10. Ndomukong Suh wasn’t allowed to step on Tom Brady’s face.

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Everyone knows that Ndomukong Suh can’t really get going in a game until he’s been given the chance to step on a star quarterback’s face while they’re down on the ground. And since the Patriots were double teaming Suh all night – ILLEGALY – he wasn’t able to get in his face stomping groove. #SuhGate

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9. Matthew Slater is not human

This man should be dead by now. Seriously, two weeks ago he had a freak knee injury that any normal human being would be out for the season for. But because he plays for the Patriots, who cheat for a living, he’s miraculously cured and out there destroying everyone on special teams again. #SlaterGate

 

8. Fake Dolphins fan. 

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This shot came from a Dolphins third and long play. It made sense that Patriots fans were standing because by doing so they hoped it would generate enough noise to disrupt the Dolphins ability to convert. But why is the Dolphins fan yelling too? No one is this dumb. Plus, the guy is wearing a helmet, which he likely had to wear on the school bus growing up. Obviously we can conclude that this fat bastard is an imposter. He kicked the shit out of a real Dolphins fan outside the stadium and stole his helmet, game ticket, and jersey. #HelmetFanGate

 

7. Brady using illegal fake snap count

Cameron Wake is a Pro-Bowler, and historically he pressures Brady better than most. So Brady obviously had to cheat and use a fake snap count to get him to jump offsides on third and long. Coincidentally the Patriots just so happened to convert on a much shorter third down play after that. Using a fake snap count is dishonest and done purposely to fool your opponents, and it’s cheating. #FakeWakeGate

 

6. Jonathan Martin was a Patriots spy. 

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Ryan Tannehill kind of reminds me of Drew Bledsoe. They look alike and they both like to just stand there and get sacked. The difference is that Tannehill’s backup ins’t the greatest player in NFL history. Anyway, the Dolphins offensive line was a disgrace to humanity. Don’t you think it’s a coincidence that one of their only good players – Richie Incognito – is no longer on this team? Gee, I wonder why that is? Oh yea, because Jonathan Martin wasn’t really a victim of bullying. He was placed in Miami by Bill Belichick and told to make the whole “bullying” scandal up so that Incognito wouldn’t be there anymore. Because everyone knows grown men don’t get bullied. The results spoke for themselves. #JonathanMartinGate

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5. Patriots defensive backs pretending to be Dolphins receivers

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There are interceptions, and then there is what happened to Ryan Tannehill on Thursday night. I mean, defensive backs are at least supposed to work for it if they intercept an NFL quarterback. I know Tannehill isn’t great, but he doesn’t suck THAT much. Obviously mediocre players like Deron Harmon and Logan Ryan were dressing up as Dolphins receivers, which is why he threw the ball directly to them. #FakeDolphinsGate

 

4. Patriots are all on Cialis

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It hit me while I was watching the one of the countless Cialis commercials during the game – the Patriots are all on Cialis. Doesn’t it make sense? They’re sponsored by them, so obviously they must be taking it before every game. After all, Cialis makes you perform for long periods of time, and the Patriots just keep pounding you, and pounding you for four quarters. Tom Brady is a lot of things, but a two pump chump is not one of them. Consequently they never need a break and the people they’re pounding always wake up sore the next day. Cameron Wake and Ryan Tannehill weren’t even able to walk on Friday morning. Looks like the moment is always right in Foxboro. #CialisGate

 

3. Belichick roofied Ryan Tannehill.

This play right here will go down with the butt fumble and fake punt:

Why does shit like this ALWAYS happen to whoever the Patriots are playing? These are professionals after all. I’ll tell you why – Belichick roofied Tannehill’s gatorade. Look at his face before the ball is hiked in this GIF. That right there is the face of a man who just had a Belichick-coolata and is about to be violated.

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#RoofieGate

 

2. Patriots Children

These kids have never seen a losing Patriots team. Ever. Don’t you think that’s a little….STRANGE?? Yea, so do most of us fans who don’t live in New England. That’s because these kids are all Patriots children of the corn. They’ve obviously cast some sort of spell on Tom Brady and made it impossible for him to ever lose. Quarterbacks are not supposed to get better when they’re 38. TB12 has 20 touchdowns, and 1 interception this year, which didn’t really count because Julian Edelman gave it away. And it’s all because of these possessed Patriots children. #ChildrenOfTheCornGate

 

1. Kindergarden Gronk

We found out a lot with this uncovered footage of Kindergarten Gronk:

There it is folks. That’s how Gronk got to be so good – he stole candy from other kids when he was in Kindergarten. With sweatpants and high tops like that he was unstoppable. #KindergartenGronkGate

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2 Comment(s)
  • Spankster
    November 2, 2015 at 7:43 am

    The REAL reason for that safety was that Belichek had the Patriots Cheerleaders bend over and distract him. After staring at those skinny bleached blonde bimbos from Miami all this time. He went nuts when he saw some REAL women

  • Dan
    November 2, 2015 at 12:22 am

    Haha! I think this is your best yet. Also after seeing Gronk on Stephen Colbert taking all the Halloween candy disguised as Master Chief from Halo, I expect Goodell to be hitting up Ted Wells on speed dial any minute now.

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