Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Houston Texans

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The Patriots game last night against the Texans was a pick em’. Supposed to be too close to call. Ended up being cold blooded murder, as usual. Only the Patriots could take a third string quarterback and emasculate an undefeated team like that. Of course we all know that the Patriots cannot possibly win like that on their own. They must’ve cheated. Turns out they did. Here’s the top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Texans.

10. Jamie Collins is not a human being.

You can be big and strong, you can be athletic, you can have great hands, or you can have great instincts. But you can’t possibly have all of those at the same time like Jamie Collins does. The man is not human. #Freakgate


9. Patriots ran the option. 

Can’t remember the last time I saw an NFL team run the option. What is this, the Big 10? I mean, he’s pretending like he’s gonna pitch the ball, and then at the last minute he’s like, “nah, I’m running it fool.” Bunch of liars over there in New England using plays that will probably be outlawed at this time next year. That’s what they usually do at the winter meetings – make new rules to stop the Patriots. #Optiongate


8. The Texans were repeatedly bullied and abused by a punter. 

Somehow the Patriots won by 27 points AND they outpunted the Texans. Do you realize how hard that is? If you’re punting for more yardage than the other team, it means you’re not getting first downs. But in this case it’s because Josh Allen the punter literally ripped their souls out. The Goddamn punter!! He pinned them inside their own 20 yard line SIX freaking times!! Consequently they crossed midfield almost never. Hard to win a game when you’re being bullied by the punter. #PunterGate


7. Everyone always does their job. 

When you’re running a workplace and you have 53 employees, someone is bound to fuck up once in a while. Not in New England though. Somehow everyone ALWAYS does their job. Just look at this play right here:

Look at those blocks:

Every 5’8″ white guy in a Patriots uniform executed their blocks perfectly.




That whole was so gaping you’d think the Patriots were giving birth. Legarette Blount came out of that like it was a Goddamn C-Section. There’s no way that a team can have that high a success rate of job efficiency if they’re not cheating. #DoYourJobGate


6. Nate Ebner is a rugby player. 

Does this team not have enough advantages as it is? Their defense is disgusting, they can put anyone in at quarterback and dominate, and their coaching has no parallel in all of sports. Now their special teams can’t be stopped either because they have Olympic rugby players using their rugby skills to knock balls loose and grab them in scrums. #RugbyGate



5. Phil Simms proved that the Patriots were cheating. 

Bill Belichick agreed before the game that he’d let Jacoby Brissett pass a lot. By doing so he increased the chances that he’d get hurt, or fumble, or throw a costly interception. That was the deal. Instead he passed for about 100 yards and still won the game by 27. Phil Simms even gave it away right here when he announced that it would be a passing play, but it turned out to be a running play:

Freaking Belichick. Making deals with the leauge and then going back on them to make Phil Simms look like an idiot. #SimmsGate



4. The Texans were in on it. 

Mike Vrabel, Romeo Crenel, Bill O’Brien, Vince Wilfork – you can’t trust a team with that many former Patriots on it. We tried not to massacre this team. There was one drive where they stopped us twice on third down at the goal line, but then this kept happening:

I mean, he’s not even trying to hide it there. It was like they wanted us to score touchdowns. The fix was in and the message was clear – Brissett is gonna fuck up a lot, so make sure you blatantly interfere with receivers in order to keep drives going. #AlumniGate


3. James Develin showed no mercy. 

So Houston’s starting linebacker is name Witney Mercilus. And he was begging for mercy all game, but we didn’t give him any. At one James Develin did this to him despite the fact that he was waiving a white flag:

First down Patriots!! Come on man, he said mercy. You’re supposed to respect that and not pancake the guy into the ground. #MercyGate



2. Patriots used a black quarterback. 

Normally one thing about the Patriots that other teams know going into a game is that Tom Brady can’t run. He’s an old, tall, slow white guy, who happens to have a cannon for an arm. He is what he is. But now the Patriots have opened this whole new can of worms with an athletic black quarterback. Can Tom Brady juke like this?

No. As a matter of fact no white quarterbacks in the NFL can do that. Honestly wouldn’t surprise me if Roger Goodell was in on this too. He suspends Brady for the first four games so they can increase Garoppolo’s trade value, and then make him take a dive so the black guy can get in and win a game week 3 on short rest because the Texans don’t have time to prepare for an athletic QB like this. Then Brady comes back and they’re 4-0 and he punishes the rest of the league for not supporting him more. It all makes sense now. #BlackQBGate


1. Hillary Clinton made JJ Watt disappear. 

Anyone seen this guy?


He’s allegedly the best player in the NFL? I’m told that if he played tight end he’d be better than Gronk. Not sure if the rumors are true because every time we play this crapbag organization I never see him. I know who Cameron Wake is because that guy kills us. Never heard of JJ Watt before. That’s because for four quarters last night the Patriots made #99 their bitch:

There’s only one explanation as to why this guy disappears every time he plays the Patriots – JJ Watt has something on Hill-dawg. This is what happens to you when you have dirt on Hillary Clinton – you vanish and no one ever sees you again.


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4 Comment(s)
  • Georgewashington
    September 26, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    This is all pure gold.

  • PatriotsFan
    September 23, 2016 at 5:20 pm

    That was game was 100% coaching. The players did their job as instructed. Watching this with jaw down to knee.

  • Spankster
    September 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    Phil Simms doesn’t need ANYBODY to make him look like an idiot. He does fine by himself

    • WormtownorBust
      September 23, 2016 at 5:05 pm

      I’m still trying to decide won is worse: Simms or Collinsworth.

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