Sports

Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Jacksonville Jaguars

You don’t beat a team 51-17 without cheating. Here’s the 10 ways the Patriots used cheating to beat the Jaguars on Sunday. 

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Everyone knows the Patriots are dirty, dirty cheaters who can’t win on their own. Especially when a powerhouse like the Jacksonville Jaguars roll into town. So when you see a score like 51-17, and a record like 3-0, you know something’s up. As usual we have figured out how the Patriots cheated to win this game before the rest of the Internet jumps on it. Remember where you heard it first. Here’s the Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Jacksonville Jaguars…

10. Stephen Gostkowski isn’t human. 

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The Pats kicker set a record today for most consecutive point-after-tries without a miss. He’s made 400 something in a row. That’s pretty good. A little TOO good if you ask Turtleboy. Normal human beings fuck up once in a while. But there’s nothing normal about Gostkowski. Obviously he’s not a human being. I once saw him taking a dump in Buffalo, and it smelt so good afterwards. Trust me, there’s no way this guy has parents. #GostkowskiGate

 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars were forced to play with JV players. 

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Black Bortles? T.J. Yeldon? Toby Gerhart? Marquise Lee? Those guys were only relevant when they were slave labor for the NCAA. But they’re certainly not real NFL players. I don’t know where the real team was, but more than likely Belichick made sure their families won’t be seeing them for a long, long time. #JaguarsGate

 

 

8. Danny Amendola gave away Brady’s 400th touchdown pass. 

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Gee, I wonder why that is? Probably because it was deflated. Amendildo knew damn well that ball would be going straight to Canton, but not before it was properly checked by multiple gauges to see if it’s within one standard deviation of the PSI mean. He knew the only reason he caught that ball was because McNally and company were letting air out of it before the game started. That’s why he gave it away. You don’t fuck up like that on accident when you play for Bill Belichick. #AmendildoGate

 

 

7. The Patriots never punted. 

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In football you’re supposed to punt. It’s a rule. But not the Patriots. Oh no, rules don’t apply to them. They just hold onto the ball until they score instead. Obviously this is cheating. #PuntGate

 

 

6. Gronk blocks. 

 

5. Picking on Mark Brunell.

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Sadly, Mark Brunell is probably the most accomplished player in Jaguars history. He also cries when he thinks that quarterbacks use slightly deflated footballs. A lot. Can you imagine how much the Patriots made him cry today? What about his feelings? The Patriots knew the butthurt would be flowing through his veins today, yet they persisted on ripping his heart out and having Gronk spike it all over his face. #BrunellGate

 

 

4. Obama.

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I got no proof here or anything like that, but there’s a really good chance Obama is involved in a conspiracy to make sure the Patriots always win. Thanks Obama. #ObamaGate

 

 

3. The Patriots paid off the Dolphins to beat Jacksonville last week.

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The Jaguars aren’t a real NFL team, so how did they beat Miami last week? Oh yea, because the Patriots obviously paid the Dolphins to lose on purpose. Consequently they came to believe that they were better than they actually were, setting them for the facializing display of domination we witnessed this afternoon. #DolphinsGate

 

 

2. The Patriots stopped the Jaguars fake punt.

The fake punt has only been tried in Madden, but never real life. If a team like Jacksonville were to try a fake punt, there’s no way in hell it could possibly be stopped. So how did Matthew Slater know this was coming? Hmmmmmm. Spygate ring a bell? There’s a million and one ways the Patriots could’ve cheated to sniff this one out, but the bottom line is you can’t possibly stop a Jaguars fake punt attempt if you don’t already know it’s coming. #FakePuntGate

 

 

1. The Pope.

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Everyone was going wild for the Pope this week. Everyone except for Brady and Belichick, because they’re going to hell anyway and they think they’re bigger than the Pope. Don’t you think it’s a coincidence his holiness came to America during Jaguars week? Just like the 31 other teams, the Jags were on Pope-watch all week long. Meanwhile the Patriots are heathens and sinners so they took full advantage of this distraction and spent the week game planning while everyone else was watching CNN. And who do you think brought the Pope here this week to be such a distraction? I’ll give you a hint, he wears a hood, he has no soul, and his favorite movie is My Cousin Vinnie#PopeGate

So the NFL is FORCING the Patriots to take a bye week next week. You can call it a bye, but we call it a forced furlough. It’s simply unfair how much better the Pats are than the rest of the league at this point. Up next in the Patriots rape tour de NFL is the Dallas Cowboys. Coincidentally Tony Romo and Dez Bryant will not be playing in that game. Gee, I wonder who caused that? At this point it’s basically impossible for the Patriots not to go 16-0 and end up back in the Super Bowl. Imagine that? Imagine after all this bullshit we respond with the greatest season of Brady’s career, an MVP, and a 19-0 Super Bowl championship? I can’t imagine it playing out any other way.

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9 Comment(s)
  • Rob
    September 29, 2015 at 11:46 am

    If you’re going to have memes on the page, the least you can do is not cut off half the text. #FAIL

  • J
    September 28, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    David Garrard was better than Brunell

  • PatsFan
    September 28, 2015 at 9:38 am

    @Wheelwright: Learn to recognize satire, you genius, you.

    @Turtleboy: Funny article. Thanks to your video, Gronk blocks, I noticed the awesome play by Julian Edelman. You might change it to “Receivers block” and point out that move, as well. He also takes out two potential tacklers, but he does it much more cleverly.

  • Reader #47
    September 28, 2015 at 8:57 am

    I still found this article amusing.

  • Yes
    September 28, 2015 at 8:56 am

    My name is turtleboy and every time I talk about something sports related on a blog titled sports I look like a moron who knows nothing about sports, doing a terrible imitation of Drew Magary’s deadspin articles.

    Oh and I live in Worcester which is the butthole of New England and it always has bloody diarrhea.

    Stick with what your good at.

  • Wheelwright
    September 28, 2015 at 3:16 am

    I was at the game yesterday. The reason they won was because the Pats are good and the Jagooffs aren’t. Pure and simple.

    When do I get my voice back?

  • Joej
    September 27, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Meh, sort of a recycled piece and not as funny as the first one.

    • SUL
      September 28, 2015 at 4:38 am

      I agree, was funny the first time now your just reaching

    • tomy
      September 28, 2015 at 8:10 am

      Agreed, mehhhh on to the next clickbait

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