Sports

Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Jets

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Wormtown BreweryUnion TavernScavone PlumbingMichael GaffneyBennie’s CafeCraftech RestorationJJM InsuranceSmokestack Urban BarbecueAttorney Michael ErlichH-S Trading FirearmsSmitty’s TavernJulio’s LiquorsHomeWarrantyReports.comThe Gun Parlor Range3B AutoPepe’s RestaurantFiresafe Chimney ServicesAttorney Anthony SalernoNorth End Motor Sales

Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

 

I really hate Jets games. They’re the worst. It’s always unnecessarily close. That team is a million times better without Rex Ryan, but they’re still the Jets, and we should’ve won by 40. We probably would’ve too but apparently it was drop balls that hit you directly in the hands day at Gillette today. Either way, when we needed to start trying in the 4th quarter we did. It didn’t matter that they had the best defense in football coming into the game. It didn’t matter that they had Darelle Revis in their secondary. When we needed to throw for two fourth quarter touchdowns we did it at will. BUT, everyone knows by now the Patriots couldn’t have possibly won a legitimate football game without some sort of cheating, and we’ve figured out the Top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Jets this week…..

10. Gronk doesn’t hate cancer enough

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 11.41.03 PM

Are you kidding me Gronk? Didn’t you hear that it’s breast cancer awareness month? Everyone knows the NFL is 100% behind women’s issues, which is why you will wear the shade of pink they told you to wear in October and ONLY in October. If you wear it next month you’re fined. Nonetheless, clearly his lighter shade of pink gave him superhuman powers which allowed him to catch 11 catches for 108 yards and a touchdown. It also means he doesn’t hate cancer enough. #PinkGate

 

9. Danny Amendola ate a red mushroom

Hey, does this spike look familiar?

Oh yea, that’s the Gronk spike. Amendildo is half Gronk’s size but he made another INSANE catch today, and he spiked the ball like only Gronk himself can. So how does a 5’8″ 165 pound receiver magically possess the powers of a 6’8″ 265 pound monster? Remember Super Mario brothers? How does little Mario become big Mario? He eats a red mushroom. That’s the only way to explain the way Amendildo is playing right now. #MushroomGate

 

8. Julian Edelman grab-assing

Edelman didn’t have his greatest game of the season today. Probably because he was too busy playing grab-ass all day with the Jets. Should’ve been a 20 yard penalty and a loss of a first round draft pick for grab-assing on the offense. Hey Julian, you can’t touch this bro!!! #GrabAssGate

 

7. Gypsy Gronk cab

It’s a rule that if you are going to take people for a ride then you need to have your medallion. But apparently Gronk thinks he’s Goddamn Uber, because he took some Stanley from the Jets for an illegal gypsy cab ride today. #GypsyCabGate

 

6. Tom Brady knows the rulebook TOO well

Everyone fucks up once in a while. Sometimes your wide receiver hikes the ball to your backup free safety in a botched fake punt. Other times you have too many men on the field. And even the greatest quarterbacks use an illegal formation from time to time. But not Tom Brady, somehow he knows every single rule that has ever existed. Unfortunately Gronk and Amendildo don’t know them all, which is why Brady had to yell at them to stop being dumbasses when they were lined up wrong in the third quarter:

And guess what happened right after Brady started yelling those cheatcodes at his teammates? This:

Hmmmm, don’t you think that ballboy looked a little TOO excited there? Probably because he was relaying cheat codes to Brady. Do I have proof of this? No. Doesn’t matter. Until Brady hands over his cell phone so we can see naked pictures of his wife we have to assume this whole play was a conspiracy.  #TooSmartGate

 

5. Julian Edelman played with an illegal concussion

You can’t get hit that hard and get up like that. It’s just not possible. Edelman is a cheater because he’s too tough. Everyone knows that he cheated in the Super Bowl when he played with an illegal concussion, and as the New York Post’s Bart Hubbach has confirmed, he did the same thing again today after that hit:

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 11.31.31 PM

#ConcussionGate

 

4. Patriots refused to run the ball

12063590_10206685998700488_3775970010548341489_n

Guess who was the Patriots leading rusher today. That would be Tom Brady with a whopping 15 yards. As a matter of fact they only ran it 9 times and threw it 54. What do you think this is? Recess football? This is the NFL, and you’re supposed to run the ball at least half the time. Didn’t they hear that the Jets front 7 is the best in football? The Patriots purposely avoided them and threw all over them instead. Cheaters. #RushGate

 

3. Brandon LaFell is supposed to be on the Jets

We’ve seen the Patriots cheat before, but we’ve never actually seen them take a player directly from the Jets and put him into a Patriots uniform. At least until today. The quality and quantity of Brandon LaFell’s epic, historical drops today were just so Jets it hurt. Patriots don’t drop balls like that. Jets do. #LaFellGate

 

2. Plane banner

Want more proof the Patriots are dirty, dirty cheaters? Look to the skies above Gillette Stadium today:

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 11.05.12 PM

Hmmmm….the Clintons, the Patriots, and OJ. What do all three of those have in common? Oh yea, they’re all cheaters who have murdered half of America and gotten away with it. And this banner confirms it. At least with Vince Foster and Nicole Brown they found the bodies. Where’s Brady’s cell phone at? Oh yea, destroyed. #MurderGate

 

1. Santa Gronk

We finally figured out the REAL reason the Patriots win all the time – Santa Gronk:

Are you kidding me? How can you beat a stadium full of people like that? Having Santa Gronk and his posse of savages is blatantly unfair. That beard is hardly regulation, and the amount of grizzledness surpasses anything that is allowable in a civilized league. You can’t possibly lose with a guy like that yelling obscenities at your team for 60 minutes. #SantaGronkGate

Up next in the Patriots pummel tour de NFL are the Dolphins. They’re coming off a two game winning streak so they’re probably thinking they’re good again. Time to bring them back down to reality. Get the lube ready.

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages. 

Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Comment(s)
  • Clive Mc'turtle
    October 27, 2015 at 9:19 am

    That Lafell meme might be the greatest thing ever

    • Clive Mc'turtle
      October 27, 2015 at 9:20 am

      meme-gif whatever

  • Gronkmonster
    October 26, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    News flash Bart…when concussed you dont jump back up on your feet and walk in strait lines and act coherently right after you dumb ass….When you actually scramble your brain you cant even get your eyes strait

  • RSoxGuy
    October 26, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    And guess what happened right after Brady started yelling those cheatcodes at his teammates? This: At the story line screen, press: A, B, A, C, A, B, B.

    Ohh and Bart crying about concussion policy? Thats why at every NFL game there is a Medical Offcial up in the box watching for situations or symptoms of concussions. When he sees that, he buzzes the Head Official and that player has to be seen by the trainers. He immediately comes off the field regardless of what the player says. Dont like it? take it up with the (MO) Med Official you fucking crybaby. This isnt some pussy sport like soccer.

    Ohh and I love the Pats, think they are going to the SB but 16-0? naw.

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
Who Did A Better Job Of Cheating: Jason Kidd or Mike Tomlin?
Cleveland Browns Backup QB Is Best Kept Freak Show In NFL
Priceless Fan Reactions to Alabama-Auburn Game As BCS Fails Again In It’s Final Season