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As you’ve seen from the last couple of weeks, the Patriots might be the worst team in the NFL. When they don’t cheat they lose to crapbag teams like the Eagles. That’s how you know there was no way in hell they could win a game by three touchdowns on the road against the Texans. They must have cheated. Here’s the top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Texans.
10. #72 was clearly throwing the game.
There’s throwing the game, and then there’s what this fat bastard did last night. The Nazis march into Paris was harder than anything Rob Ninkovich and Jabaal Sheard had to do last night. This fat bastard just let them go unabated to Brian Hoyer as they pleased. But he is in the NFL, so he can’t be THAT bad. Clearly he was being paid off by the Kraft family. #72Gate
9. Belichick stole their varsity jackets
Remember these things?
The Texans were like, 14-2 that year, or something ridiculous like that. Clearly these jackets gave them powers that the Patriots could only dream about. Not coincidentally they’re gone now and the Texans suck again. Meanwhile Belichick pawned them and used the profits to pay for Malcolm Butler’s salary. #VarsityJacketGate
8. Dominique Easley illegal spanking
There is tackling the quarterback, and then there is spanking. Tackling is OK, spanking is not. Did you see how hard he smacked that ass? Hoyer is gonna be sore for days now!! #SpankGate
7. Gronk oozing illegal juices
Gronk was supposed to be a decoy out there last night. It’s why the Texans so wisely elected to put a fat linebacker on him in single coverage. Because as we all know, putting a fat linebacker on Gronk in single coverage is the most effective way to slow down the greatest tight end to ever play the game. Linebackers like Merciluss don’t just fall down like that for no reason. If you look closely you can see that Gronk is oozing his Gronkjuice behind him, forcing his defender to fall flat on his face. #GronkJuiceGate
6. Leonard Johnson illegal dancing
Most of us were watching this guy last night and saying, “who the hell is that guy? Is that Tebucky Jones?” No, his name is Leonard Johnson, and his secret weapon is his sick dance moves, which are definitely illegal. Defending the ball is one thing, but these dance moves are just plain savage, and are outlawed in 41 states, including Texas. #DanceGate
5. Blount stop drop and roll
When you go down, you’re down. Leave it to the Patriots to find some obscure rule about your knee not touching the ground. As you can see, some of the Patriots even stopped moving once it appeared that Blount was down by contact. But they knew. It was all a big act orchestrated by Belicheat and the Patriots of course got a first down out of it. #StopDropAndRollGate
4. Bullying JJ Watt
All I heard about this week was how J.J. Watt was gonna eat this terrible Patriots offensive line for lunch. And he likely would’ve, if it weren’t for the fact that Belichick coached his line to illegally bully J.J. all game long. When you play a star player like J.J. Watt you’re supposed to let him make big plays. It’s what every other has the courtesy to do for Gronkwoski week after week. Of course Belichick and the Cheatriots can’t show that same respect and courtesy. #PrayForJJGate
3. Bill O’Brien is clearly a Patriots spy
We only play the Texans once every three years. Don’t you think it’s more than a coincidence that Bill O’Brien left Penn State the same year the Texans had the Patriots scheduled? Oh yea, and the Texans just so happened to go for it on 4th and 4 when they had an easy field goal with 9 minutes left in the third quarter. Hey Bill O’Brien, make it more obvious that you were taking orders from Belicheat. You can’t.
The Patriots had lost two straight games and then all of a sudden they come out of nowhere and massacred the Texans on the road – on the same week that Hooters opens up in Shrewsbury. Obviously the fine perky women at Hooters gave the Patriots super powers when they made their way down Route 9 for a team building activity. #HootersGate
1. Belichick called the cops on the Leicester Christmas Lights
The Patriots needed something to get themselves all sorts of fired up after two straight losses, which is why Bill Belichick called the cops on the Leicester Christmas Tree lights this weekend. The Patriots were all excited about doing a team building activity at this world famous house once they got back from Houston. But then they heard that some “mystery neighbor” called the cops and got the display shut down. Obviously they got pissed off and angry and took it out on poor J.J. Watt and Brian Hoyer. If you don’t think Bill Belichick has the Leicester Police Department on speed dial, then you don’t know Bill Belichick. He will do anything to win. He is an insatiable cheater. #LeicesterChristmasLightsGate
The Patriots will accept home field advantage in the playoffs, since the Bengals and Broncos decided to hand it to us yesterday. But we don’t really need it. Turtleboy wouldn’t even care if they rested Gronk and Edelman and went 10-6 or 11-5. Doesn’t matter. As long as those two guys are back and 100% the opponent and venue are irrelevant. There is a 0.0% chance a healthy Patriots team is losing to AJ McCarron or Brock Osweiller. The only teams that have any shot against us are the Steelers and Chiefs because they have quarterbacks who have actually won meaningful games before. But even then, with our defense, it’s a wrap. We haven’t seen a defense like this since ought four.
Next up is the Titans, which most people with common sense would agree shouldn’t even be played. It’s the weekend before Christmas and we are making these poor men travel hear from Nashville for a public execution. We all know how this one is gonna end up. Obviously. Meanwhile it’s the last shopping weekend before Christmas and this is gonna create traffic all over Route 1 and the Wrentham Outlets. Can’t we just agree that the Titans can take their loss and focus on getting the #1 pick and we can avoid injury and rest up for the playoffs?
The bottom line is that God tested us the last two weeks. He wanted to make sure that we would still believe in this team that he has bestowed upon us, and we didn’t let Him down. Just another reason why God will always us more.
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