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So the Patriots clinched a first round bye this weekend after they throttled the Titans and the Broncos blew a huge lead against the Steelers. More than likely they were paying off the Steelers to cheat in that game, but we can’t prove that. However, we CAN prove that they cheated to beat the Titans, because you just don’t beat a quality opponent like Tennessee if you’re not up to something. Here’s the Top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Titans:
10. Brandon LaFell wearing glue on his gloves
As we’ve seen all season, Brandon LaFell is a drop machine. Yet here is getting ANNIHILATED with a helmet to helmet shot, and he magically hangs onto the ball. Who checked his gloves before the game? Oh yea, nobody. #GlovesGate
9. Jamie Collins illegal shoe tackle
Antonio Andrews was clearly gonna break through the hole and get a first down here. Every other team in the league tackles using their helmets or trying to break people’s knees. Not the Patriots though. Oh no, they grab your shoe when you’re not looking. #ShoeGate
8. Jabaal Sheard illegal use of karate
Jabaal Sheard is some nobody from the Cleveland Browns who magically has seven sacks this year and is a force to be reckoned with. You think it’s a coincidence that these players come here and suddenly they’re good? Nope. Because Belichick just teaches them how to do dirty things when the refs aren’t looking, like this karate kick to the dome piece. #KarateGate
7. Gronk played
Gronk had no reason to play this game. The Patriots could’ve won with Turtleboy Jr. playing tight end. Yet here they are unleashing this superhuman beast in the first quarter. It’s completely uncivilized and unsportsmanlike to even have him dress for this game. #NoFairGate
6. Amendola was throwing marbles
The Patriots punt return team didn’t even bother blocking any of those guys. Don’t you think it was weird that there were three guys right there, and not one of them could make a tackle? Why would the Patriots choose to not block them. Oh yea, because Amendildo had his bag of marbles that you can clearly see him throw at the feet of that poor schlub. #MarblesGate
5. Plowing without a permit
All of a sudden some random Hawaiian dude shows up on the Patriots and he’s plowing over everyone. Since he’s probably never seen snow before he obviously doesn’t realize that you need a permit to plow in New England, and obviously he doesn’t have one. #PlowGate
4. Jamie Collins never yelled blitz
What the shady move that Collins pulls here:
See how he pretends like he’s not gonna blitz? It’s because he already used his blitz for that set of downs, and Antonio Andrews assumed he’d be counting Mississippi’s like a normal non-cheating football player. But instead he pulled the ol’ switcheroo and blitzed even though he was out of them. Naturally THIS was the play that knocked Marcus Mariotta out of the game. This is what the Patriots do – they cheat and they injure your only player worth talking about. #BlitzGate
3. James White picking on fat guys
James White can’t weigh more than 160 pounds. It’s one thing if he’s gonna beat someone his own size, but he’s clearly picking on that fat guy #90, who was absolutely emasculated on this play. #FatGate
2. Bullseye guy in the crowd
Stephen Gostkowski has been WAY too good this year. He’s not only nailing almost every kick, but they couldn’t be more dead center. On Sunday we found out why. There’s a guy behind the goal posts using an illegal target that Gostkowski is using to line up his kicks. Obviously Belichick put that guy there, just like he did during Spygate. #BullseyeGate
1. When the league realigned 15 years ago, Belichick purposely set up a schedule rotation that guaranteed we would play the two worst divisions in NFL history during the same season
The Patriots had the luxury of playing the NCF East and the AFC South this year. I don’t know if there’s ever been a year in which two divisions were this craptacular at the same time. There’s a chance all 8 teams could have losing records when it’s all said and done. But yet just a couple years ago both those divisions were pretty decent. Gee, don’t you think it’s a coincidence that they all of a sudden started to suck the moment they played the Patriots? Well, our source Chris Mortenson just sent us a message that confirms that Belichick purposely set up the schedule when the league realigned 15 years ago, so that the Patriots would get to play all these suckbag teams in 2015 when they are at their worst. Don’t think for a second that he’s not capable of that. Because when it comes to cheating, the Patriots are capable of anything. #Schedulegate
Here’s the question – do we even bother trying against the Jets? What’s the point? We could forfeit both these last two games and still get the 1st or 2nd seeds. If we get the second seed, who cares? The Bengals home field advantage would be irrelevant, since they’re the Bengals, and choking in the playoffs is what they do best. The bottom line is that no one is beating a healthy 2015 Patriots team. It’s impossible. So why risk an injury in a game that doesn’t matter?
The fact that these are the types of questions we have to ponder is evidence of our Patriots privilege. Because God only bestows such first world problems on the people he loves the most. That’s us. God loves us more and will guide us to our fifth Super Bowl in Super Bowl 50.
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