Everyone knows the Patriots can’t win games on their own. Literally the only reason they win is because of cheating like spygate and deflategate. It doesn’t matter that the Patriots record in the 7 years that came after spygate was better than the 7 years that preceded it. It doesn’t matter that they perform better with inflated balls than they do with deflated balls. None of that matters because the Patriots are cheaters. Here are the top 10 ways they cheated in tonight’s season opening win over the Steelers.
10. Patriots sent hookers to Darius Heyward-Bay’s hotel room last night.
Oldest trick in the book. Everyone knows Darius Heyward-Bay is one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game. That’s why the Raiders drafted him in the first round. And the Raiders never make dumb decisions. So how else can you explain the fact that despite being wide open in the end zone he elected to put his body out of bounds while catching what would’ve been the easiest touchdown ever? I’ll tell you how – Belichick sent a gaggle of Patriots hookers up to his hotel room last night and he was frazzled all day. Works every time. #HookerGate
9. Legarette Blount purposely got Leveon Bell arrested.
This is classic Patriots. Blount and Bell were teammates on the Steelers last year when they were pulled over and busted with weed, which for some reason cops still care about in Pennsylvania. Then Blount goes to the Patriots a month or two later and they both have to serve suspensions for the opening game. But Blount is a nobody and Bell might be the best running back in the NFL. You’re telling me this wasn’t orchestrated by Bill Belichick the whole time? You’re telling me that Blount didn’t purposely let the cops know about this bone ride, knowing that the Steelers would end up opening the season against the Patriots? #BlountRideGate
8. Patriots put chicken bones in Steelers gatorade, causing them to choke every time they got to the red zone.
The Steelers were clearly the better team, as can be seen by the fact that they had more total yards than the Patriots. Yet time and time again when they got to the red zone the Steelers suddenly forgot how to score. Hmmmmmm. You tell me why this happened. #ChokeGate
7. Patriots covertly forced the Steelers offsides at the goal line in 4th quarter.
Pittsburgh had a chance to get within three points with plenty of time left in the fourth quarter. They had the ball at the one yard line and it was an easy 6 points. Then not one, but TWO of their offensive lineman false started. Gee, I wonder why that happened? Oh yea, because one of the Patriots spies in the stand was yelling “hike.” #HikeGate
6. Banner ceremony was organized taunting.
The biggest problem with the Patriots is they don’t know when enough is enough. They’re always running up the score on other teams when they don’t have to. They treat other teams like they’re grown adults playing a professional sport, instead of being nice and considering their feelings. The Steelers came here to play a football game and they had to sit there and watch yet another Patriots banner get raised right up in their domepiece. #BannerGate
5. Julian Edelman illegally juked Steelers defenders out of their shoes.
When a player pretends to go one way but then immediately goes the other way after fooling his defender, this is cheating. Edelman basically lies every time he catches the ball when he’s not honest about which way he plans on running. Just another Patriot player not cooperating. #Jukegate
4. Patriots never counted to 10 Mississippi before sacking Big Ben.
Look, what’s fair is fair. The Steelers are a finesse team. Big Ben needs time for his receivers (the ones didn’t get busted for taking steroids in the offseason) to get open. The Patriots sacked him three times and had four tackles for losses. And they didn’t even yell at “blitz” either. #BlitzGate
3. Patriots illegally had the goal posts centered, making it impossible for Josh Scobee to hit field goals.
The Steelers had a brilliant game plan for special teams coming in – pick up the Jacksonville Jaguars discarded scraps. The Patriots should’ve realized they were dealing with a guy who obviously can’t kick in a straight line and moved their goal posts accordingly. Instead they kept them centered, causing Scobee to shank two missed field goals wide right. #GoalpostGate
2. Patriots did illegal rain dance before the game.
Don’t you think it’s a coincidence that it’s been sunshine and heat waves for the last week or so, and then MAGICALLY the rain starts coming down on Patriots opening day? Yea, neither do I. #RainGate
1. Rob Gronkowski illegally lined up without anyone covering him entire game.
The Steelers game plan coming seemed fool proof. Shut down Aaron Dobson and hope the Patriots forget they employ the greatest tight end in NFL history. When no one covers your star receiver it’s rude to keep throwing to him in the red zone. #GronkGate
But seriously, they started the season exactly like we knew they would – a premeditated facializing. Like any other outcome was possible. Brady was angry tonight, like an old man sending back soup at a deli. At one point he threw 19 straight completions, because that’s what happens when you piss off the greatest quarterback to ever live.
Brace yourself for 10 straight days of Buffalo fans whining about cheating and Brady being a homosexual uggs salesman. Because when you beat a team 23 out of 25 times in your career, their fans have to come up with some reason to explain why they are your bitch. Bring on victim number two in the Patriots 2015 rape tour de NFL.