Sports

Top 10 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Facialize The Steelers

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Everyone knows the Patriots can’t win games on their own. Literally the only reason they win is because of cheating like spygate and deflategate. It doesn’t matter that the Patriots record in the 7 years that came after spygate was better than the 7 years that preceded it. It doesn’t matter that they perform better with inflated balls than they do with deflated balls. None of that matters because the Patriots are cheaters. Here are the top 10 ways they cheated in tonight’s season opening win over the Steelers.

10. Patriots sent hookers to Darius Heyward-Bay’s hotel room last night.

Oldest trick in the book. Everyone knows Darius Heyward-Bay is one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game. That’s why the Raiders drafted him in the first round. And the Raiders never make dumb decisions. So how else can you explain the fact that despite being wide open in the end zone he elected to put his body out of bounds while catching what would’ve been the easiest touchdown ever? I’ll tell you how – Belichick sent a gaggle of Patriots hookers up to his hotel room last night and he was frazzled all day. Works every time. #HookerGate

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9. Legarette Blount purposely got Leveon Bell arrested. 

This is classic Patriots. Blount and Bell were teammates on the Steelers last year when they were pulled over and busted with weed, which for some reason cops still care about in Pennsylvania. Then Blount goes to the Patriots a month or two later and they both have to serve suspensions for the opening game. But Blount is a nobody and Bell might be the best running back in the NFL. You’re telling me this wasn’t orchestrated by Bill Belichick the whole time? You’re telling me that Blount didn’t purposely let the cops know about this bone ride, knowing that the Steelers would end up opening the season against the Patriots? #BlountRideGate

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8. Patriots put chicken bones in Steelers gatorade, causing them to choke every time they got to the red zone. 

The Steelers were clearly the better team, as can be seen by the fact that they had more total yards than the Patriots. Yet time and time again when they got to the red zone the Steelers suddenly forgot how to score. Hmmmmmm. You tell me why this happened. #ChokeGate

7. Patriots covertly forced the Steelers offsides at the goal line in 4th quarter. 

Pittsburgh had a chance to get within three points with plenty of time left in the fourth quarter. They had the ball at the one yard line and it was an easy 6 points. Then not one, but TWO of their offensive lineman false started. Gee, I wonder why that happened? Oh yea, because one of the Patriots spies in the stand was yelling “hike.” #HikeGate

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6. Banner ceremony was organized taunting. 

The biggest problem with the Patriots is they don’t know when enough is enough. They’re always running up the score on other teams when they don’t have to. They treat other teams like they’re grown adults playing a professional sport, instead of being nice and considering their feelings. The Steelers came here to play a football game and they had to sit there and watch yet another Patriots banner get raised right up in their domepiece. #BannerGate

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5. Julian Edelman illegally juked Steelers defenders out of their shoes. 

When a player pretends to go one way but then immediately goes the other way after fooling his defender, this is cheating. Edelman basically lies every time he catches the ball when he’s not honest about which way he plans on running. Just another Patriot player not cooperating. #Jukegate

4. Patriots never counted to 10 Mississippi before sacking Big Ben. 

Look, what’s fair is fair. The Steelers are a finesse team. Big Ben needs time for his receivers (the ones didn’t get busted for taking steroids in the offseason) to get open. The Patriots sacked him three times and had four tackles for losses. And they didn’t even yell at “blitz” either. #BlitzGate

3. Patriots illegally had the goal posts centered, making it impossible for Josh Scobee to hit field goals. 

The Steelers had a brilliant game plan for special teams coming in – pick up the Jacksonville Jaguars discarded scraps. The Patriots should’ve realized they were dealing with a guy who obviously can’t kick in a straight line and moved their goal posts accordingly. Instead they kept them centered, causing Scobee to shank two missed field goals wide right. #GoalpostGate

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2. Patriots did illegal rain dance before the game. 

Don’t you think it’s a coincidence that it’s been sunshine and heat waves for the last week or so, and then MAGICALLY the rain starts coming down on Patriots opening day? Yea, neither do I. #RainGate

1. Rob Gronkowski illegally lined up without anyone covering him entire game. 

The Steelers game plan coming seemed fool proof. Shut down Aaron Dobson and hope the Patriots forget they employ the greatest tight end in NFL history. When no one covers your star receiver it’s rude to keep throwing to him in the red zone. #GronkGate

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But seriously, they started the season exactly like we knew they would – a premeditated facializing. Like any other outcome was possible. Brady was angry tonight, like an old man sending back soup at a deli. At one point he threw 19 straight completions, because that’s what happens when you piss off the greatest quarterback to ever live.

Brace yourself for 10 straight days of Buffalo fans whining about cheating and Brady being a homosexual uggs salesman. Because when you beat a team 23 out of 25 times in your career, their fans have to come up with some reason to explain why they are your bitch. Bring on victim number two in the Patriots 2015 rape tour de NFL.

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26 Comment(s)
  • Wegotsixrings
    September 16, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    Brady Binch crying as usual. Oh…. I’m sorry… I failed to mention we got six rings and counting!!

  • Jackie
    September 13, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Tell the idiot coach! He is an idiot. Probably a friend of Goodell!

  • dawn winslow
    September 12, 2015 at 9:18 am

    I think the Patriots are cheaters and have been for many many years.They have good players as do the other teams. I am not a Patriot fan.Iwas when I was younger watching games with my dad.But now I am disgusted with them.Brady should have been held accountable for his actions.But he puts on that pretty boy smile and walks away with his hands clean.Thats wrong.Make the little cheater take a lie detector test.Why not give up his phone so text messages could be checked.If he wasnt Guilty why not give up the phone..

    • GoneWest
      September 12, 2015 at 10:36 am

      Because he obviously had nudes of Giselle. How do people STILL not get this?

    • Missie
      September 12, 2015 at 8:09 pm

      No Dawn he did not cheat. The Wells Report said he was completely cooperative and that they did NOT have evidence. Both Jastroski and McNally testified he did not direct him to do anything with the balls. He (Brady) was just furious after the October Jets game that the balls were like throwing rocks. He yelled at them and they were mad. But you didn’t see that because the NFL wouldn’t release the transcripts. They also said they did not need his cell phone just texts and emails which he provided. Did you see the embarrassing email exchange about Peyton Manning? No. The NFL decided to change the rules to make the Commissioner look better. Did you see all the times Judge Berman wrote “independent” in his brief because it wasn’t independent? Oh and by the way an equipment violation is the equivalent to a speeding ticket misdemeanor but the league turned it into literally a federal case costing millions of dollars.

      Tired of Patriot haters who lack information. Prejudiced and unable to fathom an unbelievably hard working, brilliant team and staff.

    • September 13, 2015 at 1:20 am

      Because if you read any thing that has been out there you would know jump on the hate bandwagon MR KNOW NOTHING RETARD try knowing the facts before you run your mouth the only thing tyne PATRIOTS are guilty of is taping a practice one time in 2007 ( before the first game before them was legal ) RETARD try knowing something before you post idiot. Shit ! ZERO ZILCH EVIDENCE BRADY DEFLATED OR HAD SOMEONE DEFLATED ANYTHING. AND ASK YOUR SELF WHY DID THE NFL WELLS REPORT GOODELL NEVER MENTION WHY ONLY 5 OF THE COLTS BALLS WAS CHECKED ????? HOW IS THIS FOR YOUR INFORMATION. 4 OF THE 5 BALLS WERE ALSO LOW ON AIR BY SAME AMOUNT THE PATRIOTS BALLS WERE. AMAZING ISN’T IT !!!! DON’T BELIEVE ME LOOK IT UP. ! SO BRADY IS SUPPOSE TO ADMIT TO SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO RIGHT ???? OH JUST TO ADD THIS TO FACTS THE MANUFACTURER OF THE FOOTBALLS SENT A MEMO TO THE NFL GOODELL TELLING THE NEW BALLS LEAK AIR PRESSURE. LOOK IT UP. ! OH AND LOOK AT SCIENTIFIC DATA BALLS GO FROM WARM TO COLD LEAK FASTER. SO ADMIT TO WHAT I ASK AGAIN ????

    • YNOTT
      September 14, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      Yea, his pretty mug is what convinced Judge Berman.

  • Joej
    September 12, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Funniest piece yet!

  • Rachel
    September 12, 2015 at 3:21 am

    Funny stuff….until I read the end. Rape tour? Come on. Remove that – it’s disgusting.

    • Sandy
      September 12, 2015 at 10:19 am

      I did not see the “Rape Tour” that you are talking about, but Ben Roethlisberger raped a woman then paid her millions not to press charges. That is more disgusting.

  • BobnMic
    September 12, 2015 at 1:02 am

    My above point was STOP BEING A LOSER PUSSY you fucking NFL coaches when the Pats beat you. We here in New England are the best and you are the rest so shut the fuck up. Fucking cry baby losers. “Oh I heard Patriots radio in my head phones.” Does that really mean that your coaching would have been superior to Belichick minus that glitch that was all in the hands of the NFL by the way? No moron so go to your corner. And shut the fuck up.

    On to Buffalo.

  • BobnMic
    September 12, 2015 at 12:53 am

    “League spokesman Michael Signora said in a statement after the game it was a “stadium power infrastructure issue, which was exacerbated by the inclement weather” that caused the interference that left Steelers coach Mike Tomlin seething after the Patriots’ 28-21 win.”

    Talk about being a fucking target regarding my New England Patriots. I know in sports that being a defending champion means that other teams will do their best to knock you off the top of the hill. That is inherent and every championship team in every sport knows this. But after all the interesting / frustrating summer crap with leaky fucking footballs, no evidence, and with no real emphasis or acknowledgement on the fact that the boys in Foxboro got “The Job Done” last season just blows me away.

    sorry for the double post. needed to get my football out there.

    Reply

  • BobnMic
    September 12, 2015 at 12:51 am

    “League spokesman Michael Signora said in a statement after the game it was a “stadium power infrastructure issue, which was exacerbated by the inclement weather” that caused the interference that left Steelers coach Mike Tomlin seething after the Patriots’ 28-21 win.”

    Talk about being a fucking target regarding my New England Patriots. I know in sports that being a defending champion means that other teams will do their best to knock you off the top of the hill. That is inherent and every championship team in every sport knows this. But after all the interesting / frustrating summer crap with leaky fucking footballs, no evidence, and with no real emphasis or acknowledgement on the fact that the boys in Foxboro got “The Job Done” last season just blows me away.

  • Juice Doane
    September 11, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    I love how you were able to resist watching an amazing pregame show, and not only enjoy Seinfeld, but incorporate one of George’s lines into your article. Well done sir, you just earned the respect of man you’ve never had to touch. Meet, never had to meet.

  • kell
    September 11, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    This whole thing is excellent – although your ‘facialize’ reference is sophomoric and childish – but whatever. lol
    GO PATRIOTS

  • Dat
    September 11, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Wifey says #6 needs a ring on that finger. ….

  • Football, you bet!
    September 11, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    The haters now have proof that Tom Brady was on the Grassy Knoll with a rifle on November 22, 1963…

  • Banana jones
    September 11, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    I doubt the pats cheated

  • Boo Boo Bobby Gibbs
    September 11, 2015 at 9:27 am

    The Pats didn’t throw to enough black receivers.

    #RacistGate

  • Maggie the Cat
    September 11, 2015 at 9:01 am

    I think the #1 reason they “cheated” is: The Patriots showed up to play! That’s just not fair, obviously.

  • mack4966
    September 11, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Actually the Paatriots were extremely clever with their cheating this time. The Steelers were totally on edge expecting cheating….but, it never came. The Pats had them looking over their shoulders all night, looking for a big cheating incident that never came. Took them right out of their game. Brilliant move by the Pats, for sure.

    • Janet
      September 11, 2015 at 3:02 pm

      So now the NFL will fine the Pats for cheating by not cheating. Sounds like NFL logic.

  • Nanny
    September 11, 2015 at 6:51 am

    I liked the Patriots BOHICA offense.

    Good one, wabbit.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    September 10, 2015 at 11:46 pm

    #RapeGate

    No, wait, that would be Rothlisberger…

    • M shields
      September 13, 2015 at 7:19 am

      was hilarious until the rape comment- rape is not funny

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