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So the Patriots went up to Buffalo for their annual deliverance of anal, and as usual they left that horrible, Godless dump of a city with a huge smile on their face. The Bills won’t be walking for a few days though. There’s simply no way on earth a “rivalry” can be this one-sided. And since everyone knows the Patriots only win because they cheat, we do what we always do after a Pats win – tried to figure out how they cheated this week. But with all the Wikileaks emails being leaked all over the place, we got some added insight. It’s all starting to make sense now. Here’s the top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Bills, courtesy of Wikileaks.
10. Malcolm Butler makes bodies disappear
Good God. Did you see Robert Woods’ reaction when he caught that ball? He knew exactly what was gonna happen next. It’s like finding out that you know about a secret offshore account that Hillary Clinton has in someone else’s name. Next thing you know – POW – Malcolm Butler decapitates you.
9. Field goal was rigged
There’s no way that ball should’ve gone in. Steven Gostkowski has turned back into a pumpkin. Now all of a sudden he’s hitting 52 yard field goals. But not just regular 52 yard field goals. That ball was moving like Hillary’s poll numbers after she lied about having pneumonia. Then right when it looks like it’s toast – DOINK – the ball magically changes direction, hits the goalpost and slides its way through.
8. Stealing white guys
How come the Patriots are the only team in the NFL that seems to have a never ending supply of white guys who just plain burn their opponents? It’s bad enough that we’ve been graced with Welker, Gronk, Edleman, Woodhead, Amendildo, and now Hogan. And half these guys aren’t even good until they get here. Gee, I wonder why that is? Well according to recently released Wikileaks files every shifty white guy in the NFL has been working for Hillary and Belichick this entire time. They learn all their enemy’s secrets, pretend to suck there, skip town, and then give Belichick everything they learned.
7. Reggie Bush “pass”
Rex Ryan thought he was real slick on that one. “Let’s pitch the ball to Reggie Bush and then have him throw the ball. No one will suspect he’s throwing it because he’s a running back.” Except Donte Hightower clearly knew that play was coming. It was almost as if someone emailed him the play beforehand. Of course those emails have magically disappeared so we’ll never know for sure. But how else could someone outsmart a brilliant mind like Rex Ryan without getting a special email from Huma Abedin?
6. Illegal use of tag team
So the Patriots were already up two scores AND they got the ball to start the second half. For some reason they insisted on giving Amendildo a chance to run it back and he made them pay, nearly taking it all the way and setting up yet another Patriots touchdown. But if you look at the tape more closely you can see some poor schmuck from the Bills getting double teamed like the latest chick who suddenly remembers she was sexually harassed by Donald Trump. I’ve seen that move before. It’s basically what happened to the Bernie delegates at the DNC. Try to take down the Queen B and you’re gonna get roughed up by some guys in uniform. That’s just the way things work.
Somehow Gronk is already the Patriots all time touchdown reception leader. He’s only 27 years old. It was his 69th touchdown, which was so fitting because Gronk has the sense of humor of a 6th grader who just found out about what a 69 is. But the thing about 69 is, it’s supposed to be reciprocal. Both parties are supposed to get something out of it. This was not a 69 since Gronk was the only one who left satisfied. The Bills will have to satisfy themselves later on. Luckily for them someone threw something on the field that could come in handy for such a situation.
4. Matthew Slater got a phone call from Donna Brazile
So Wikileaks just confirmed that DNC chair Donna Brazile was feeding Hillary Clinton debate questions ahead of time back in March. And based on what we saw from Matthew Slater on this kickoff, Hillary wasn’t the only one being tipped off. The man went completely undetected and crushed Reggie Bush’s soul. Almost as if someone told him ahead of time which direction Bush would be running in.
3. PSI in Brady’s cleats
Now that the league is keeping an eye on the PSI in Brady’s balls, he’s clearly not very good. But a cheater is gonna cheat. It’s just what they do. Well, according to the latest batch of Wikileaks emails Brady is now pumping air pressure into his cleats. Based on this play it’s clear that it’s working. Non-cheating Brady would’ve got taken down five yards short of the first down.
“He killed us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this hot.” That sums it up right there. Rex Ryan is used to being facialized by #12. But not this badly, and not by this old of a man. If you touch TB12 right now you will get a third degree burn. That’s how hot he is. Well, according to Wikileaks Tom Brady recently funneled $20 million through his favorite third world dictator, which went directly to the Clinton Foundation. Now all of a sudden this 39 year old man is as hot as Rex has ever seen him. Gee, wonder how that happened?
1. Hillary threw the dildo
The dildo heard round the world was a magical dildo indeed. Notice that Hogan was going down right when the glorious fucktoy landed on the turf. Not coincidentally two plays later the Patriots found their way into the end zone when they couldn’t on the Hogan play. Clearly this was no ordinary dildo. Only someone whose husband has been nailing other chicks for decades could have a dildo this spectacular. Gee, I wonder who could’ve thrown that thing? Well, according to a recently released image from Wikileaks, we now have our answer:
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