Sports WTF

Top 11 Reasons It Sucks To Be From Buffalo – Turtleboy Crew Heads To Bills-Patriots Battle For First Place

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The Turtleboy Sports revolution is making it’s annual pilgrimage on Friday to the Holy Grail of assholes – BUFFALO. We do it every, single year, and I literally get moist just thinking about it. Buffalo is a magical place where everyone is a miserable industrial worker who just wants to drown their sorrow in cheap beer on the weekends and call Patriots fans faggots. This is why we go to Buffalo. This is why fight.

Here are the Top 11 reasons it sucks to be a Bills fan.

11. By definition you are a miserable fuck and have no censor whatsoever. 

One of the things I’m most looking forward to is to see who wins our annual Buffalo game. All the game involves is seeing who can get a Buffalo fan to call them a “faggot” first. It usually only takes about halfway through the first quarter. Once Gronk scores his second touchdown to make it 14-0 it’s usually the cue for the angry masses to unleash all the anger and frustration that’s been built up over the last 20 years of public humiliation. Like, you know how you’re not supposed to call people “gay” anymore because it’s not PC? Yea, people in Buffalo don’t give a shit about those kind of rules. I am personally looking forward to biting into my first Buffalo dick sandwich once we arrive at Ralph Wilson Stadium!!

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10. The weather.

Do you like cold weather? Do you like getting pounded by snow? Does a weekend at the beach involve trying to wade through dead hookers in Lake Erie? If so, then you’ll love Buffalo.

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9. Music City Miracle.

The Patriots have had some shitty years before, but at least the Hugh Millen Patriots never were on the wrong side of a legendary NFL play. And guess what? This was the LAST playoff game the Bills ever played in. Think about that. You lose in the most dramatic and unthinkable way possible, and then proceed to never make the playoffs ever again. Ever.

 

8. Optimism that blows up faster than Busgate. 

Let’s look at what Buffalo fans were saying back in July and August:

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Yea EJ Manuel will be just fine. Except for the fact that he’d be benched for Kyle fucking Orton by week five. Besides that he’ll be just fine.

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7. Talking about Bills memories involves nothing but pain and misery. 

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6. You have to wear these dumb ass zebra pajamas. 

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I shit you not, at least 80% of Buffalo fans will be wearing these on Sunday. Not only do these people have to watch their team get steamrolled by Tom Brady and company year in and year out, but they do it looking like the poor kid whose Mom shops at Savers.

 

5. This is the biggest game in Buffalo in the last 15 years.

That is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. A 3-2 football team playing another 3-2 football team, and one of the teams will emerge as a 4-2 team. That’s as prime time as you get in Buffalo. Meanwhile out here we take a dump and the next thing you know there’s a duckboat parade. Can you imagine how fucking miserable you have to be to be looking forward to a regular season game in October and acting like it’s the God damn Super Bowl.

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4. Wide Right.

As a Patriots fan I still can’t get over losing to the Giants in 07. I’ll never get over that. Then losing to them four years later sucked even more. That’s God damn child’s play in Buffalo. At least we had some time to grieve in between Super Bowl losses. These miserable souls got kicked in the balls four fucking years in a row. And it all started with a chip shot missed field goal from Scott fucking Norwood. I mean, it sucked to lose, but at least the Giants jammed the ball down our gullets on game winning drives. Imagine losing on an Adam Vinatieri miss? Kick in the balls city.

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3. Patriots-Bills stats from the Brady era.

The Brady era started in 2001, and the Patriots-Bills stats from that era are almost not even believable. I mean, sure, sometimes teams are better than others. But these stats are nothing less than emasculating:

Wins: Patriots 22, Bills 2

Total points at Foxboro: Patriots 368, Bills 210

Total points at Buffal: Patriots 368, Bills 172

Ya got that? The Patriots don’t just beat the Bills, they facialize and demoralize them. And they do it even better when the Bills are at home. This is why we go to Buffalo every single year. To get really drunk, watch the Patriots creampie the Bills, and have a bunch of grizzled Buffalonians call us faggots.

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2. Here is a list of your Bills quarterbacks from the Brady era and their records against us. 

Alex Van Pelt 0-1

Rob Johnson 0-1

Drew Bledsoe 1-5

J.P. Losman 0-5

Kelly Holcomb 0-1

Trent Edwards 0-3

Brian Brohm 0-1

Ryan Fitzpatrick 1-5

E.J. Manuel 0-1

Thad Lewis 0-1

Ho-ly Shit. Is that the biggest bunch of losers outside of Cleveland that you’ve ever seen? At on point J.P Losman was actually someone’s idea of a franchise quarterback. That actually happened.

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1. Tom Brady owns you.

There are rivalries, and then there is riding the turtle. Tom Brady is Turtleboy, and the Bills are the Turtle. He is in charge, and they are along for the ride. Brady’s career stats against the Bills are everything you thought they were: 100.1 QB rating, 65% completion rate, 5,817 yards, 54 TD’s. Oh yea, and he’s rushed for more yards (96) than he has against any other NFL team.

But that’s not even the worst part for Bills fans. The worst part is that he represents everything these blue collar ding dongs hate. He is ambiguously gay. He’s married to a Brazilian super model. He wears uggs. The “Brady is gay” rhetoric up there is taught in the public schools from a young age. So gay. So unbeatable.

I will give them credit though. Some the shit they come up with is pretty funny. I couldn’t stop laughing at this one:

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Brilliant.

And the rest…

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Bring it on Buffalo!! Turtleboy Sports crew is rolling through tonight!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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17 Comment(s)
  • Norwood
    June 2, 2019 at 3:02 pm

    A 47-yard field goal on grass from the right hash is no “chip shot”, especially considering that the game clearly was fixed in favor of the Giants. Go soak your head.

  • They're Zubaz, not zebra pants #anytruefootballfanwouldknowthis
    October 14, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Google zubaz moron… every team has them.

  • Steve
    October 10, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    I’m a die hard Bills fan. Born and raised in WNY. I will say the points about some of our fans is spot on. While it’s always fun to talk shit about your rival, the childish “Tom Brady is Gay” (would it matter if he was?) paints all Bills fans in a horrible light. Sadly, many of those comments come from full grown men. No wonder people around the country think WNYers are behind the times idiots. I will say most of us aren’t like that. Brady has OWNED us throughout his career. I’m hoping for a win, but agree that many of my fellow fans are idiots. Oh, by the way, the weather jokes are tired.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    October 10, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    You hear that? It’s the sound of jimmies rustling all over upstate New York.

    For shame, Turtleboy! How day you point out what animals those people are! Especially being from Worcester! Because there’s not a single nice, WASPy area of Worcester.

    • Jack
      October 10, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      Yeah clearly there’s not a single waspy area of Buffalo either. Way to prove Nuckys point for him, you moron.

      • Wabbitt
        wabbitt
        October 11, 2014 at 2:50 am

        Yes… let the jimmies rustle through you…

        You want to cast aspersions upon my sexuality and demand that’s I dine on the phallus of an animal. SAY IT! Do not turn your back on what you truly are!

  • October 10, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    I like his blogs. They’re entertaining. I don’t agree with EVERYTHING –ANYONE– says… but I do enjoy some of the blasts that come out of Turtleboy Sports. I moved to Worcester back in 2008 from Rochester, NY… Lake George/Saratoga are my homelands. But Yankee fans talk the same shit as Sox fans… and Pats fans talk the same shit as Bills fans. Boston fans are pretty fucking brutal… We’ve all heard the shit that’s screamed at Fenway, and you don’t even have to be in the bleachers to hear it loud and clear. It comes from all sections. I’ve been to a Bills/Pats game in Foxborough (game where Fitz threw the pick to, I believe, McCourty or Talib to end the game in the endzone… should’ve won that one)…. but the Foxboro fans tore into me all game with faggot talk cuz I was proudly wearing my Steve Tasker jersey with work buddies decked out in their Pats gear. It’s just not a one-way street… Boston fans aren’t fucking angels either. I’m a fan of both cities… I know first hand what the perspectives and points of view are; and have experienced it on both sides

  • Nucky Thompson
    October 10, 2014 at 11:36 am

    My question is… New Englanders have always had “A-Rod Sucks/Jeter Swallows” t-shirts and memes, and everything else of the like bashing the Yankees with the same “You’re a faggot,” talk… How is it any different???
    …………………………..
    It isn’t. He’s just a hypocrite who’s points are easily proven wrong 99% of the time.

    Go Bills- I too am a Buffalo fan who has spent considerable time in NE. I travel various parts of CT, NH & MA for work monthly.

  • October 10, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I got a question… First off- I’m a Bills fan that now lives in MA. Let it be known, I was raised by a Pats fan– in NY– right before the epic Norwood miss. The Frank Reich comeback against the Oilers is what turned me into a Bills fan for life; that, and thinking my dad was a Bills fan, even though he was a closet Pats fan because the Pats sucked at the time. I, however, am not a bandwagon jumper. Lifelong Sox fan… Celtics fan… but I have 2 Buffalo teams in the Bills and Sabres. Yes… its painful. Yes… they lost 4 straight superbowls… etc etc. But I’m a diehard. Just like I am with the Sox, and was for 23 years before they won a WS. My question is… New Englanders have always had “A-Rod Sucks/Jeter Swallows” t-shirts and memes, and everything else of the like bashing the Yankees with the same “You’re a faggot,” talk… How is it any different???

    • Finnish goalie
      October 10, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      How widespread is the wearing of that type of gear in Buffalo? Is it more widespread?

      You can always tell ahead of time that a small level of “fans” around here would buy that garbage, but it’s a small percentage.

      The T-Shirts they attempt to sell outside the Garden, I really couldn’t see anyone buying those and actually think of wearing them. And then when you do actually see someone, yes, you can say, “that figures”

  • Nucky Thompson
    October 10, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Yeah Buffalo fans are so abrasive, Buffalo fans are the worst. The 70’s zuba pants couldn’t possibly be worn out of sarcasm and irony- obviously everyone is serious about them!! Oh wait.

    Maybe- just maybe when you are not only wearing an opponents jersey but also simultaneously taunting- maybe that’s when fans get abrasive. Check out the video- it’s not just Buffalo’s problem. But hey, say what you will. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWitYRJRhSA

    Oh yeah, and- you’re from Worcester- which gives you 0 right to talk trash on where anyone else lives. Like, ever. Being from Worcester and trying to fool the world that you’re from “the Boston area” and thus a nice area- that’s like people from Trenton trying to say they grew up somewhere nice because they’re from “the New York City area”.

    I love Buffalo, I’ve got a masters degree and a great job- not a factory worker, and I love the Bills despite the fact they’ve shit on my open heart for years. But hey- keep on going with the stereotypes about our city that expired 20 years ago, and ignore the fact that’s in an economic and social revival that’s only just now getting underway.

    Oh yeah and- I was called a faggot for wearing a Yanks jersey in a Boston bar every night when I was there for 4 nights last summer. But- that must have been the one person in all of NE who “doesn’t know it’s not ok to use gay slurs these days”.

    All this said- the things you say about the Bills themselves kicking us in the balls- you’re spot on.

    • Finnish goalie
      October 10, 2014 at 12:58 pm

      Sorry about Sally, Nuck.

  • Woodiculous
    October 10, 2014 at 5:33 am

    Numbers don’t lie, unless of course you are in Buffalo, where its way too cold to do math. That’s the only reason I can think of that dummy Bills fans would actually believe that the Bills have a whisp of a chance to beat the Patriots this Sunday.

  • October 9, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    You know, it’s really cold up in Buffalo, they should get some UGG boots… just sayin’

  • patsgirl
    October 9, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    Can’t wait to see the Bills blow yet another game this weekend.

    • Joey G
      October 10, 2014 at 8:09 am

      Why don’t you come along and hang with Turtleboy, Lennie, Dan’s friend, a knucklehead from Revere, and me this weekend? We can find the Buffalo version of Betty’s!

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