The Turtleboy Sports revolution is making it’s annual pilgrimage on Friday to the Holy Grail of assholes – BUFFALO. We do it every, single year, and I literally get moist just thinking about it. Buffalo is a magical place where everyone is a miserable industrial worker who just wants to drown their sorrow in cheap beer on the weekends and call Patriots fans faggots. This is why we go to Buffalo. This is why fight.
Here are the Top 11 reasons it sucks to be a Bills fan.
11. By definition you are a miserable fuck and have no censor whatsoever.
One of the things I’m most looking forward to is to see who wins our annual Buffalo game. All the game involves is seeing who can get a Buffalo fan to call them a “faggot” first. It usually only takes about halfway through the first quarter. Once Gronk scores his second touchdown to make it 14-0 it’s usually the cue for the angry masses to unleash all the anger and frustration that’s been built up over the last 20 years of public humiliation. Like, you know how you’re not supposed to call people “gay” anymore because it’s not PC? Yea, people in Buffalo don’t give a shit about those kind of rules. I am personally looking forward to biting into my first Buffalo dick sandwich once we arrive at Ralph Wilson Stadium!!
10. The weather.
Do you like cold weather? Do you like getting pounded by snow? Does a weekend at the beach involve trying to wade through dead hookers in Lake Erie? If so, then you’ll love Buffalo.
9. Music City Miracle.
The Patriots have had some shitty years before, but at least the Hugh Millen Patriots never were on the wrong side of a legendary NFL play. And guess what? This was the LAST playoff game the Bills ever played in. Think about that. You lose in the most dramatic and unthinkable way possible, and then proceed to never make the playoffs ever again. Ever.
8. Optimism that blows up faster than Busgate.
Let’s look at what Buffalo fans were saying back in July and August:
Yea EJ Manuel will be just fine. Except for the fact that he’d be benched for Kyle fucking Orton by week five. Besides that he’ll be just fine.
7. Talking about Bills memories involves nothing but pain and misery.
6. You have to wear these dumb ass zebra pajamas.
I shit you not, at least 80% of Buffalo fans will be wearing these on Sunday. Not only do these people have to watch their team get steamrolled by Tom Brady and company year in and year out, but they do it looking like the poor kid whose Mom shops at Savers.
5. This is the biggest game in Buffalo in the last 15 years.
That is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. A 3-2 football team playing another 3-2 football team, and one of the teams will emerge as a 4-2 team. That’s as prime time as you get in Buffalo. Meanwhile out here we take a dump and the next thing you know there’s a duckboat parade. Can you imagine how fucking miserable you have to be to be looking forward to a regular season game in October and acting like it’s the God damn Super Bowl.
4. Wide Right.
As a Patriots fan I still can’t get over losing to the Giants in 07. I’ll never get over that. Then losing to them four years later sucked even more. That’s God damn child’s play in Buffalo. At least we had some time to grieve in between Super Bowl losses. These miserable souls got kicked in the balls four fucking years in a row. And it all started with a chip shot missed field goal from Scott fucking Norwood. I mean, it sucked to lose, but at least the Giants jammed the ball down our gullets on game winning drives. Imagine losing on an Adam Vinatieri miss? Kick in the balls city.
3. Patriots-Bills stats from the Brady era.
The Brady era started in 2001, and the Patriots-Bills stats from that era are almost not even believable. I mean, sure, sometimes teams are better than others. But these stats are nothing less than emasculating:
Wins: Patriots 22, Bills 2
Total points at Foxboro: Patriots 368, Bills 210
Total points at Buffal: Patriots 368, Bills 172
Ya got that? The Patriots don’t just beat the Bills, they facialize and demoralize them. And they do it even better when the Bills are at home. This is why we go to Buffalo every single year. To get really drunk, watch the Patriots creampie the Bills, and have a bunch of grizzled Buffalonians call us faggots.
2. Here is a list of your Bills quarterbacks from the Brady era and their records against us.
Alex Van Pelt 0-1
Rob Johnson 0-1
Drew Bledsoe 1-5
J.P. Losman 0-5
Kelly Holcomb 0-1
Trent Edwards 0-3
Brian Brohm 0-1
Ryan Fitzpatrick 1-5
E.J. Manuel 0-1
Thad Lewis 0-1
Ho-ly Shit. Is that the biggest bunch of losers outside of Cleveland that you’ve ever seen? At on point J.P Losman was actually someone’s idea of a franchise quarterback. That actually happened.
1. Tom Brady owns you.
There are rivalries, and then there is riding the turtle. Tom Brady is Turtleboy, and the Bills are the Turtle. He is in charge, and they are along for the ride. Brady’s career stats against the Bills are everything you thought they were: 100.1 QB rating, 65% completion rate, 5,817 yards, 54 TD’s. Oh yea, and he’s rushed for more yards (96) than he has against any other NFL team.
But that’s not even the worst part for Bills fans. The worst part is that he represents everything these blue collar ding dongs hate. He is ambiguously gay. He’s married to a Brazilian super model. He wears uggs. The “Brady is gay” rhetoric up there is taught in the public schools from a young age. So gay. So unbeatable.
I will give them credit though. Some the shit they come up with is pretty funny. I couldn’t stop laughing at this one:
And the rest…
Bring it on Buffalo!! Turtleboy Sports crew is rolling through tonight!!
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.