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I can honestly say that yesterday’s win is the most disappointing Patriots win I’ve ever seen. I wanted to watch a public execution that was so cold-blooded it would make ISIS tip their turbans in respect. I wanted it to go viral on Al-Jazeera. But instead we just took another seven point win and left town. It’s hard to be a Patriots fan sometimes.
Anyway, we all know the Patriots couldn’t have possibly won this game on their own. After all, there were a million morons in the crowd with deflated football hats that could’ve told you the Patriots only routinely beat the shit out of them because of poorly measured and recorded PSI that Tom Brady may or may not have been generally aware about. Thus the fact that the Patriots came into Indy and won again has to be the result of cheating. Here are the Top 10 ways the Patriots cheated to beat the Colts.
11. Patriots not respecting two hand touch.
The Colts are infamous for making the league change the rules after losing to the Patriots. Apparently the Pats didn’t get the memo – we’re playing two hand touch in Indy. Come on Julian, you know that wasn’t pitter-patter. That was a legit two hand touch and you kept running. #TwoHandTouchGate
10. Chandler Jones emasculated Anthony Castanzo.
Anthony Castanzo is the Colts best lineman and he was routinely emasculated by Chandler Jones all game. I mean, you’re not supposed to have 2.5 sacks when you’re going against one of the greatest linemen to ever play the game. There is winning, and then there is what Chandler Jones did last night. Cruel and unusual punishment. It goes without saying that he was cheating. We don’t know what he did yet, but we’ll get back to you on that one. #EmasculateGate
9. Jamie Collins illegal use of the Matrix.
I’ve never seen anything like that extra point block before. Coincidence? I don’t think so. You’re supposed to go THROUGH the Colts line, like Chandler Jones, not over them. Clearly Jamie Collins met up with Keanu Reeves at some point during the week and acquired the ability to perfectly anticipate the snap count and hover in the air. #MatrixGate
8. No refunds on the deflated football hats.
Colts fans have been duped into thinking they lost in the AFC Championship game because Tom Brady deflated the footballs. They even went out and bought these really cool hats. Turns out the whole thing was a lie and Brady could throw for 312 yards and three touchdowns with an unshaken Dunkin Donuts iced coffee if he wanted to. Now what are these fans supposed to do with these hats? Wear them to the AFC Championship game they won’t be at this year? Word is they’re not offering refunds on these falsely advertised hats. Seems like a Patriots orchestrated conspiracy to steal money from Colts fans. #RefundGate
7. Beating up on the elderly.
Andre Johnson was wicked awesome back when Turtleboy Jr. was just one of a billion potential Turtleboy’s from deep in my loins. But now AJ is just an old guy who’s out there to sell tickets. The Patriots put Logan Ryan, one of the worst players in the league, on him all game. Apparently Belichick didn’t remind him that he is to respect his elders, because he was taking Andre’s lunch money all game. #ElderlyGate
6. Chuck Pagano’s fresh tan.
Did you see how tan this guy was last night. Gee, I wonder how that happened. Obviously he met up with John Boehner for a tanning session, and Ernie Adams, Belichick, and the rest of the prize patrol locked them in the tanning bed – Final Destination style – to destroy their brain cells. How else can you explain some of these Chuck Pagano quotes on the sidelines?
“Hey, it’s second and four and we’ve got momentum. Let’s do a dive play with Ahmad Bradshaw.”
“Hey Andrew Luck is doing great with these dink and dunks to Donte Moncrief and T.Y. Hilton. Let’s chuck it deep this time. That never fails!!”
“Our ingenious fake punt play can only work against a poorly coached team that will be caught off guard. Wanna wait to use it against the Jaguars? Nah, let’s use it against the Patriots.”
5. Danny Amendola made Colt Anderson feel special.
Danny Amendola was killing the Colts all night long, particularly on third down. He had just converted on a 3rd and 22 and was basically unstoppable. Then Colt Anderson (yes, for some reason the Colts signed a guy named Colt) made a routine open field tackle on a 5’8 150 pound white guy on 3rd and 10. Chris Collinsworth called it a “special” play. Because apparently when you’re the Colts it’s special when you stop the Patriots on 3rd and 10. Not coincidentally Colt Anderson took the ill-fated fake punt snap shortly after that, presumably because Danny Amendola made him feel so special that he thought could run through three defenders without any blockers. You’re telling me Amendola didn’t do that on purpose? Thanks for making me feel special Amendildo!!! #SpecialGate
4. Julian Edelman played with 9 fingers.
You need 10 fingers to play football. It’s in the rulebook somewhere. Julian Edelman played with 9. #FingerGate
3. Patriots gave them hope.
First they let the Colts score on their first possession. Then Julian Edelman intentionally let a strike from Brady bounce off of his chest and into the arms of Mike Adams who ran it in for the touchdown. If you’re gonna destroy the Colts, just get it over with. This is like a lioness toying with her kill before devouring it. Banner is going up tomorrow. #HopeGate
2. Too handsome.
Seriously, it’s kind of ridiculous how much better looking we are than the rest of the league. You’re not supposed to have this many attractive men on one team. Obviously this gives them some sort of super human powers that ugly bastards like Andrew Luck will never possess. #HandsomeGate
1. What the fuck?
What the f………? That’s what the Patriots were supposed to say when they saw a safety line up behind a wide receiver on a punt play. The Patriots were SUPPOSED to call timeout in that situation. But instead they just stood there and awkwardly waited to see what would happen. This was not how the play was drawn up in practice and poor Colt Anderson freaked out and took the snap from Griff Whalen. How did the Patriots know that they should tackle Colt Anderson if he hiked that ball? How did they resist the urge to say, “what the fuck?” and call a timeout? Oh yea, because they obviously spied on the Colts all week in practice and knew this one was coming. #WhatTheFuckGate
Anyway, that officiating last night was a joke. They couldn’t make it more obvious that they were trying to hand that game to the Colts. How bout that BS Devon McCourty pass interference call that gave the Colts the ball on the goal line? How about that nonsense penalty on the Scott Chandler touchdown? How bout the bullshit blocking penalty on the 50 yard Amendola return? What a joke. Oh well, we overcame it and we still beat them without having to sweat. Onto the Jets – the fakes 4-1 football team to ever exist. Same time next week.
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