Top 11 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Ravens
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What a win that was on Monday night. Let’s be honest, up until this point the Patriots hadn’t beaten one single good team this entire season. Who’s the best team we beat? The Bills? The Texans? The Cardinals? The Landry Jones Steelers? Everyone and their mother thought the Ravens were gonna keep this game close. But obviously they forgot that Tom Brady is still the greatest quarterback on earth, and Bill Belichick is on a completely different level than John Harbaugh. Yes, the final score was somewhat close, but the only reason it came to that is because Cyrus Jones literally handed them 14 points by fumbling that punt, and then forcing Slater to return the next kickoff, which he was clearly ill prepared to do. Without that the game is a blowout. We scored when we wanted to and they couldn’t do shit on us the entire game.
But as you know, the Ravens don’t like losing to us with class. They are the kings of bitching and whining about the way in which we beat them every time they have the misfortune of playing us. And John Harbaugh has come up with a list of 11 ways in which the Patriots cheated to beat the Ravens. Here they are……
11. White guys aren’t supposed to run like that
Chris Hogan is a white guy. The Patriots aren’t afraid to use white guys as possession receivers (Welker, Edelman, Amendildo), because white guys aren’t very fast. But for Chris Hogan to be this wide open, and this white, something was obviously going on there:
Meanwhile the guy who is actually deceptively named “White” is a million times faster than his last name sounds.
#Whitegate
10. Dont’a Hightower beheaded a dude
It’s bad enough that Dont’a Hightower clogged the running lane and owned the line of scrimmage all night. He absolutely decapitated this angry looking bearded dude for no reason.
#Decapitategate
9. Kyle Van Noy pretending to blitz and then falling back into coverage
John Harbaugh REALY doesn’t like when the Patriots use deception. Fucks up his whole game plan. So when Kyle Van Noy pretended like he was gonna blitz, Joe Flacco was gonna throw for an easy dump off first down over the middle. Then at the last second Van Noy was like, “psych,” dropped back into coverage, and nearly got the INT.
#Psychgate
8. Malcolm Brown violating the safety space
What a brilliant play call this was. I mean, most coaches would probably throw when they’re pinned against the goal line. Not John Harbaugh though. He decided to run for some reason. Probably because he thought his Polish fullback would actually block. Unfortunately for him #44 got a Malcolm Brown facial and Dixon got dropped in the end zone for a safety, thus violating Baltimore’s safe space.
#Safetyspacegate
7. Legarrette Blount emasculated Eric Weddle
Is there any player in the NFL more overrated than Eric Weddle? Why do people think he’s good? All we do is destroy this guy. Never has that been more obvious than when Legarrette Blount made him his bitch last night:
But I mean, Eric Weddle is a pro-bowler, so how was it possible for Blount to emasculate him like this? Must be cheating.
#WeddleGate
6. Our fat guys are fucking shit up this year
Remember when the offensive line was our weakness? Turns out Donte Scarnechia is just that good of a coach. His magic sauce takes crap happy players like Marcus Cannon, Shaq Mason, and Dave Andrews and turns them into 320 pound cream machines.
Seriously, I realize Scarnechia is the greatest offensive line coach who ever lived, but you just don’t see a line get this much better in one year. I want that Scarnechia special sauce tested, because obviously something is in it that needs to be on the banned list.
#Fatguygate
5. Suggsgate
Anyone see Terrell Suggs last night? Because this 6 second Vine was the Suggs highlight reel compilation:
That’s about it. Sad face city. For a guy who talks a lot of shit he sure doesn’t back it up. We gave this dude the JJ Watt treatment.
#Suggsgate
4. Flea flickers will be illegal next year
The winter meetings for football are basically an excuse to get together and come up with a new rule that bans whatever play the Patriots just used to beat the Ravens. You can bet that the flea flicker is gonna be on Harbaugh’s banned list going into next year.
#Fleaflickergate
3. Tom Brady is a litterbug
Tom Brady missed Julian Edelman for a wide open touchdown last night, probably because he wasn’t used to balls that are fully inflated. After that he went to the sideline and took out his anger on a gatorade cup and the first teammate he could find walking by.
Someone test the air pressure of that cup. This is why Brady is still winning MVP’s at the age of 39. Because it’s easy to win when you don’t pick up after yourself.
#Littergate
2. Thirty nine year old men do not thread the needle like this
Tom Brady has thrown some amazing passes in his career, but that might be the greatest we’ve ever seen. No other quarterback in the NFL could do that. Not one. It was perfection. He is perfection. And 39 year old men simply are not able to thread the needle like that. He’s probably got a sewing kit attached to his fingers.
#Needlegate
1. Shea McClellin culturally appropriated Jamie Collins last night
Everyone remembers when Jamie Collins did this last year:
It was awesome. But as usual, in our racist country’s history, a white guy sees something a black guy does and copies him. Elvis did it. Vanilla Ice did it. Trump did it. This is commonly known as “cultural appropriation” and linebacker Shea McClellin did it too:
Come on bro. White guys named Shea simply do not have ups like that. It’s science.
#CulturalAppropriationGate
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1 Comment(s)
Great game guys. Got some Hatchimals for sale on Craigslist if you need them still.