Sports

Top 13 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Chiefs And Win The AFC Championship

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The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl. Again. I almost forgot what it’s like for my team not to go to the Super Bowl every single year. Must suck, I wouldn’t know. Relive the last 30 minutes of the game with the Uncle Turtleboy play by play.

Yea, that was nice and all, but I think MSESPN has taught us all one important thing to remember – the Patriots cannot win without cheating. And after rewatching the game we found 13 ways in which the Patriots cheated to win the AFC Championship. Here they are.

 

13. FootballGate

Pat Mahomes was trying to drive his team down the field with three minutes to go. He had a second and ten and the pass rush was coming at him. Naturally he lobbed it up and threw it away to avoid the sack. Or so it seemed. Luckily the refs caught JC Jackson committing a cardinal sin – playing football. During a playoff game nonetheless!!

 

 

12. LubeGate

Poor bootleg Gronk (Travis Kelce) had a touchdown to redeem himself, but prior to that he had a bunch of big drops. Upon closer inspection it is clear that someone on the Patriots sideline (possibly the deflator) lubed the balls up during a timeout.

 

 

11. MolestGate

The Patriots were prepared to run out the clock at the end of the second quarter and take a 7-0 lead into the half. Then, for whatever reason, they let us walk down the field. Little used Phillip Dorsett ended up scoring a touchdown while being molested, which obviously gave him super human powers that he would not posses were he not in the process of being treated like a Boston alter boy on a CYC retreat.

 

 

10. PancakeGate

The offensive line was dominant, especially in the first half. Sony Michel was running through holes so large that even Main South ladies of the night would refer to as “gaping.” But that’s only because people like David Andrews were illegally turning Kansas City defenders into pancakes while paving holes for Michel and James White.

 

 

9. SorceryGate – Hogan

Chris Hogan has been a non-factor all season, then all of a sudden on third and 8 with the Patriots down by 4 in the 4th quarter he makes the catch of the year with one hand. Obviously a former lacrosse player is not capable of doing something like this without some sort of sorcery being used.

 

 

8. BeerGate

Last time the Patriots played Kansas City Tyreek Hill whined for a couple weeks afterwards because some schlub threw a beer in his face. It was clear from his 1 catch effort, and this negative 15 yard punt return, that he was still drunk and that Patriots fan was at fault.

 

 

7. GangbangGate

I haven’t seen a Patriots pash rush like that since Willie McGinest and Richard Seymour were murdering people back in ought three. It wasn’t just one guy either – it was all of them. However, this violates a little known NFL rule against gangbangs, as poor Pat Mahomes will be walking like Aaron Hernandez’ prison boyfriend for the next couple of weeks.

 

 

6. DevlinGate

Not only did James Devlin somehow catch a pass in stride for a critical first down in the 4th quarter, he also laid one of the most devestating blocks on 4th down that sprung Sony Michel for the go-ahead touchdown late in the 4th quarter. James Devlin was not in Andy Reid’s game plan, as he assumed that the use of a fullback is outdated. Belichick knew this and used him anyway.

 

 

5. Boo-Boo-Gate

Tre Flowers was bullying little Pat Mahomes all game long, and as you can see on this third and 18, Flowers gave him a boo-boo by using his hand to make contact with Mahomes’ shoulder pads.

 

 

4. HopeGate

Julian Edelman appeared to pull one of the all-time boners when he touched a punt that the Chiefs ended up returning for a touchdown. But of course the replay showed that was a lie. Nevertheless, this intentionally gave the Chiefs hope that they could win this game, when in fact the Patriots had no intention of allowing that to happen.

 

 

3. ThirdDownGate

The Patriots could’ve gotten first downs whenever they wanted. First down or second down would’ve done the trick. Instead they chose to wait for third down time and time again. This will no doubt prompt a new rule about the number of times you are allowed to convert on third day in one game.

 

 

2. GuruGate

Going into overtime Matthew Slater called heads so emphatically, and showed such little surprise when heads came up, that he must have some sort of supernatural powers that he uses to predict the outcome of a coin toss. He’s already banned from Foxwoods and Mohegan, and likely substituted a coin that has two heads, or manipulated it in some way to make sure that it could not come up as tails. This is the same team that previously won a Super Bowl in overtime after winning a coin toss. What are the odds?

 

 

1. CaucasianGate

The Patriots game winning drive featured huge plays by not one, not two, not three, but FOUR white dudes. Not only is this racist, it’s also illegal, as you’re not allowed to give the ball to more than three white guys on a single drive.

So there you have it. Can’t wait to see how they cheat to win the Super Bowl. We’ll be live-streaming it, probably on Facebook because it’s easier, so follow us if you don’t wanna hear Tony Romo tell you what’s going to happen right before it happens.

P.S. All day today from the butthurt patrol all I heard was how the Patriots won the game because, 1) Chris Jones had a ticky-tac penalty called on him against Brady, and 2) Dee Ford lined up offsides, giving the Patriots second life on the interception late in the 4th quarter. What all of these people are forgetting is how it goes both ways. Like how late in the 4th quarter Travis Kelce fumbled the ball, which would’ve put the game away for the Patriots, but JC Jackson got flagged on a ticky-tac call, just like Chris Jones did.

Or how later in the drive they got bailed out by another ticky-tac call on Jackson.

Works both ways. Shut up and win.

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9 Comment(s)
  • Throw that tablet Belichick!!!
    January 22, 2019 at 2:16 pm

    Gotta love being a friggin’ PATRIOT. In 17 years under Kraft, Belichick, and Brady (not counting the injury year), 9 Super Bowl appearances (5 titles), 16 AFC East titles. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and HA!

  • JoeMomma
    January 22, 2019 at 11:23 am

    Drew Brees won the coin toss Max, why isn’t he still playing?

  • Ernie Adams
    January 22, 2019 at 9:26 am

    If you ain’t cheat’n you ain’t try’n.

  • Jewgate
    January 22, 2019 at 12:34 am

    Always bet the Jew owner players don’t matter. This kike country especially since they Jewed our flag fuckin ovendwellers.

    • Not an anti Semite
      January 22, 2019 at 7:32 am

      Wwy is that you? Also are you the “ throw the Jew down the well” guy from the old barstool days? Crawl back under the bridge, troll.

    • Kim Un Jong
      January 22, 2019 at 11:05 pm

      “This kike country especially since they Jewed our flag fuckin ovendwellers.”
      LMAO WTF does that even mean??? What are you on??

  • John johnson
    January 21, 2019 at 11:09 pm

    Fuck max kellerman… I hate him. It’s all luck. 9 SB appearances all luck. And I love the punt return blunder everyone brings up…cause KC still scored 2 plays later. And, KC got away with just as much. It’s ridiculous. But all to be expected I guess too.. “hate us cause they ain’t us”

    • Pete Peeters
      January 22, 2019 at 3:33 pm

      Don’t feel bad John, reading comprehension isn’t always great here. I get what you were saying and agree, Max Kellerman is just a patriot hating troll. Hope Tom and team can win one more and silence these idiots who can’t stand all the Patriots success. I just don’t know how anyone can look at that guys career and not call him the GOAT. 9 sb appearances is just crazy.

  • Fuck That
    January 21, 2019 at 10:44 pm

    And fuck the Patriots too.

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