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The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl. Again. I almost forgot what it’s like for my team not to go to the Super Bowl every single year. Must suck, I wouldn’t know. Relive the last 30 minutes of the game with the Uncle Turtleboy play by play.
Yea, that was nice and all, but I think MSESPN has taught us all one important thing to remember – the Patriots cannot win without cheating. And after rewatching the game we found 13 ways in which the Patriots cheated to win the AFC Championship. Here they are.
Pat Mahomes was trying to drive his team down the field with three minutes to go. He had a second and ten and the pass rush was coming at him. Naturally he lobbed it up and threw it away to avoid the sack. Or so it seemed. Luckily the refs caught JC Jackson committing a cardinal sin – playing football. During a playoff game nonetheless!!
Poor bootleg Gronk (Travis Kelce) had a touchdown to redeem himself, but prior to that he had a bunch of big drops. Upon closer inspection it is clear that someone on the Patriots sideline (possibly the deflator) lubed the balls up during a timeout.
The Patriots were prepared to run out the clock at the end of the second quarter and take a 7-0 lead into the half. Then, for whatever reason, they let us walk down the field. Little used Phillip Dorsett ended up scoring a touchdown while being molested, which obviously gave him super human powers that he would not posses were he not in the process of being treated like a Boston alter boy on a CYC retreat.
The offensive line was dominant, especially in the first half. Sony Michel was running through holes so large that even Main South ladies of the night would refer to as “gaping.” But that’s only because people like David Andrews were illegally turning Kansas City defenders into pancakes while paving holes for Michel and James White.
9. SorceryGate – Hogan
Chris Hogan has been a non-factor all season, then all of a sudden on third and 8 with the Patriots down by 4 in the 4th quarter he makes the catch of the year with one hand. Obviously a former lacrosse player is not capable of doing something like this without some sort of sorcery being used.
Last time the Patriots played Kansas City Tyreek Hill whined for a couple weeks afterwards because some schlub threw a beer in his face. It was clear from his 1 catch effort, and this negative 15 yard punt return, that he was still drunk and that Patriots fan was at fault.
I haven’t seen a Patriots pash rush like that since Willie McGinest and Richard Seymour were murdering people back in ought three. It wasn’t just one guy either – it was all of them. However, this violates a little known NFL rule against gangbangs, as poor Pat Mahomes will be walking like Aaron Hernandez’ prison boyfriend for the next couple of weeks.
Not only did James Devlin somehow catch a pass in stride for a critical first down in the 4th quarter, he also laid one of the most devestating blocks on 4th down that sprung Sony Michel for the go-ahead touchdown late in the 4th quarter. James Devlin was not in Andy Reid’s game plan, as he assumed that the use of a fullback is outdated. Belichick knew this and used him anyway.
Tre Flowers was bullying little Pat Mahomes all game long, and as you can see on this third and 18, Flowers gave him a boo-boo by using his hand to make contact with Mahomes’ shoulder pads.
Julian Edelman appeared to pull one of the all-time boners when he touched a punt that the Chiefs ended up returning for a touchdown. But of course the replay showed that was a lie. Nevertheless, this intentionally gave the Chiefs hope that they could win this game, when in fact the Patriots had no intention of allowing that to happen.
The Patriots could’ve gotten first downs whenever they wanted. First down or second down would’ve done the trick. Instead they chose to wait for third down time and time again. This will no doubt prompt a new rule about the number of times you are allowed to convert on third day in one game.
Going into overtime Matthew Slater called heads so emphatically, and showed such little surprise when heads came up, that he must have some sort of supernatural powers that he uses to predict the outcome of a coin toss. He’s already banned from Foxwoods and Mohegan, and likely substituted a coin that has two heads, or manipulated it in some way to make sure that it could not come up as tails. This is the same team that previously won a Super Bowl in overtime after winning a coin toss. What are the odds?
The Patriots game winning drive featured huge plays by not one, not two, not three, but FOUR white dudes. Not only is this racist, it’s also illegal, as you’re not allowed to give the ball to more than three white guys on a single drive.
So there you have it. Can’t wait to see how they cheat to win the Super Bowl. We’ll be live-streaming it, probably on Facebook because it’s easier, so follow us if you don’t wanna hear Tony Romo tell you what’s going to happen right before it happens.
P.S. All day today from the butthurt patrol all I heard was how the Patriots won the game because, 1) Chris Jones had a ticky-tac penalty called on him against Brady, and 2) Dee Ford lined up offsides, giving the Patriots second life on the interception late in the 4th quarter. What all of these people are forgetting is how it goes both ways. Like how late in the 4th quarter Travis Kelce fumbled the ball, which would’ve put the game away for the Patriots, but JC Jackson got flagged on a ticky-tac call, just like Chris Jones did.
Or how later in the drive they got bailed out by another ticky-tac call on Jackson.
Works both ways. Shut up and win.