Top 5 Jr. Massholes From Last Night’s Amazing Kids Patriots Fan Video

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So Turtleboy Jr. was being a royal pain in the ass last night and he wouldn’t go to bed. Consequently I missed this video that everyone has been buzzing about that the NFL showed right before the game started. And for that I may never forgive TBJ, because it’s probably the greatest two minute video ever made. Just a bunch of kids reminding the rest of the world that they are God’s chosen people and everyone else is gonna die in a flood:

Here’s Turtleboy’s five favorite kids:

5. “Deflategate was a setup.” (bottom left)

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 2.56.09 PM

This girl has life all figured out. Everyone knows the Patriots didn’t cheat or deflate any balls, but it takes a brilliant child to understand that Deflategate was a gigantic setup orchestrated by Bob Kravitz, Chris Mortensen, Roger Goodell, Ryan Grigson, Mike Kensil, John Harbaugh, and many more people suffering from Patriots induced butthurt. Guarantee she could’ve explained the whole thing if they gave her more time.

4. Admit it, you guys love to hate us boy. (on the right)

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 2.56.45 PM

That kid can ride the turtle any day of the week. Such confidence and bravado. He gets it. Both of these kids get it. They understand that they are amongst the chosen people. They understand that other team’s fans think about us 24/7 because we own their brains. Without us, they’d have nothing to talk about. 

3. “Dude, he’s married to Giselle.” (middle)

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 2.54.44 PM

So I guess they let the BD kids make a couple clips too. This is the group that the 6th grade teachers crossed their fingers and hoped didn’t end up on their roster this year. And the kid in the middle is the mouth of the group. I mean, he’s wearing a chain!!! He gets it though – Tom Brady is amazing because he has a hotter wife than everyone else. Plus he started the sentence off with “dude.’ A+ masshole in the making right there.

2. “He could play with anyone, he could pay with high schoolers and still win.” (on the right)

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 3.20.17 PM

Tom Brady is so nasty that he could beat Nashoba Regional. Wow. Just wow. I love the facial reactions of his buddies before he says this:

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 2.54.44 PM

and then after:

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 3.20.17 PM

Guarantee this kid’s nickname is Rocks. You can tell his buddies are used to one-liners like this and they usually give each other the look and start cracking up whenever Rocks says something amazing like this. I feel like they didn’t edit that part out because at the end of the day the NFL wants to make New England fans look like the GED express. The kid on the right is clearly the muscle of this group. I mean, he’s got a freaking mustache and they’re in 6th grade.

1. “Tom Brady is my entire life.”

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 2.54.14 PM

Look at that look in her eyes. She’s not kidding. What else is there to say? Without Tom Brady there’s no reason to live. It’s crazy to think that the only quarterback she has ever seen on this team is Tom Brady. Imagine what it’s like to not live through Drew Bledsoe. Hey, at least she appreciates it, because it ain’t always like this kid. Actually it’s never like this. Ever. Only Tom Brady has ever done what he has done. Bledsoe was a pro-bowler and I couldn’t even begin to imagine watching a quarterback like him again. Chances are whoever comes after Brady will probably be worse than Bledsoe was so enjoy every sweet, glorious moment #12 is back there dominating life.

Seriously though, these kids are what life is all about. They are winners. They are special. And God loves them more. God bless you sweet, winning children.

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