We wanted to take this time to give a shoutout to all the Momma’s out there. No job on earth is more important than that of a mother. The reason we have little McMuffin children acting a fool is because they’re being raised by nundniks. But at the same time there are millions of awesome kids out there who are the products of amazing mothers. You people are the definition of selfless. Around here our slogan is “I Am Turtleboy” because Turtleboy is not a person, it’s a system of beliefs. Well today we’re going to honor the top five “I Am Mrs. Turtleboy” mothers, as well as the top five worst mothers from the past Turtleboy calendar year.
Top 6 I Am Mrs. Turtleboy’s
6. Lisa Jones
We’ve never written about Lisa Jones before, but she’s one hell of a local Mom. Her son is the Burncoat senior who wore the “I Am Turtleboy” shirt to school and shook hands with Clive McFarlane. Spanky whined to the principal (who he thought was named “Mike”) about it and the principal then called up Lisa Jones. She stood by her son, told him that she was well aware he was wearing that shirt, and supported his right to free speech.
After Clive had the audacity to bad mouth this kid, who will be going into the Air Force next year, she wrote him an epic, strongly worded tongue lashing smackdown of an email. The fact that her kid stands on the right side of social issues, believes in free speech, doesn’t care for Spanky McFarlane, and is serving his country next year, speaks volumes to the job that Lisa Jones has done as a Mother.
5. Jenn Green – Mom of a Winner
Jenn Green is a hockey mother from Ohio. We wrote about her a few months back when we saw how she was being disrespected on Twitter by a bunh of junior dooshnozzles. Ya see, her kid is a senior in high school, and after his school won an intense hockey game she tweeted this:
Which led to some idiot kid from the loser team tweeting this at her:
So she ended up giving him an epic Turtleboy boom-roasting
And like any classy Mom she ended up taking the high road with these morons
Until she just couldn’t take it anymore and she gave one of these losers swift Turtleboy justice
I love this woman. Her and I have been in touch since then and she’s been riding the turtle ever since we wrote about her story. I actually sent her three “I Am Turtleboy” shirts recently, and she promised me a picture of her and the kids wearing them. Best hockey Mom ever.
One of the most legendary and controversial Moms from Turtleboy lore. The critics say that Baltimore Mom shouldn’t be on this list because if she was a good Mom she never would’ve been put in the position where she needed to drag her idiot son out of the Baltimore riots. I beg to differ. Teenage boys are naturally inclined to be destructive and sneaky. Now imagine being a teenage boy in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in America. Nature vs. nurture like you read about. It’s not easy raising an idiot son in that type of environment, and a good Mom lays the smack down when she has to. My question is, why was she the only one?
3. Will Divorce for Gronk Mom
I don’t know if this woman is a mother, but she looks pretty motherly and she was just THAT amazing, so she had to be included:
Best. Sign. Ever.
2. Jeff Bauman Baby Momma
Erin Hurley is Jeff Bauman’s fiance. She was running in the marathon on April 15, 2013 while Jeff waited for her at the finish line. Then Timon showed up, left his backpack bomb, and Jeff quickly became the most famous Boston Marathon bombing survivor. A woman who wasn’t as strong might’ve broken up with Jeff, considering the amount of time and care he’s going to require for the rest of his life without legs. But not Erin Hurley. She stuck by her man because she loved him, accepted his proposal, and bore his child. Boston Strong is a catch phrase that has been played out by idiots who are proud of themselves for watching the carnage on television. But these two are the reason that catchphrase was created. This young mother is the REAL definition of Boston Strong.
1. Mom of 7 year old Worcester girl
Worcester had the shittiest winter in it’s history. And by shitty I mean tons of God’s cold white poop. Shoveling the two feet of snow that seemed to fall on us every other day was no easy task. But it didn’t stop this bad ass 7-year old girl from Worcester, who when asked by the local news why she wasn’t shoveling, had this to say:
“Because we have to finish our work.” You know who says something like that? The daughter of a really good mother. A Mom who has instilled her child values of hard work and civic responsibility. I have no idea who this young girl’s mother is, but if it’s you, then I tip my hat to you on a job well done. You are the reason that there are still decent children in the Worcester Public Schools. You are the ultimate Mrs. Turtleboy.
Top 6 Worst Turtleboy Moms
6. Apple Daddy
Yea, I know he’s technically a dude, but he’s just so much of a naniburger that we had to include him. If you’re new to Turtleboy Sports you might not be familiar with Apple Daddy. This man right here
writes a blog called the “Daddy Files.” Back in September he went apple picking at Tougas Apple farm in Northboro, and saw this harmless sign right here
and flipped out because he said it was insulting to Dads
which led to his legion of moron Mom and Dad followers harassing Tougas Apple farm and screwing up their Yelp reviews. Luckily Mrs. Turtleboy and I went to the farm, investigated it, and found out that it’s actually a really great local business run by quality individuals. Turns out Apple Daddy was the real bad guy here.
5. Webster Market Basket Drug Dealer Mom
Nicole Viestra is a real peach. Not only is she a really AWESOME Mom who thought it was noble to pay for the food her children ate by financing a heroin ring out of the Oxford Market Basket parking lot. But she’s also the oldest 30 year old woman in the history of the world.
Of course the real story here is that someone looked at this woman and said “I’d like to impregnate her and pay our rent with drug money.” Oh yea, and did I mention their kids were with them in the parking lot of the Market Basket when their drug ring was busted up? Did I mention they lived in a home filled with drugs and unregistered guns?
Strong Webster parenting right there Mom. Strong.
4. Southbridge Drug Dealer Mom
This woman right here
was running a heroin den out of her apartment
which also contained her six kids. The worst part is she and her idiot sperm donor roommate were already arrested for the same crime back in 2013, but still were allowed to keep their kids. This is why Southbridge can’t have nice things.
3. Busgate Moms
All the women involved in this are legends of bad parenting. But the woman holding the phone and taping it might be the worst of them all. Probably half of you reading this right now started riding the Turtle after reading this blog, and for good reason. The video was that insane:
Spanky McFarlane actually stood up for these savages when he finally came after Turtleboy. Their poor kids have the misfortune of being raised by animals who think it’s OK to encourage their kids to jump out of the emergency exit, yell profanties at the bus driver, and finally lay siege to the bus and kick the shit out of the driver. The funny part of course is that she put the video up, thinking the general public would empathize with her and turn on the bus driver. Luckily 97% of the people who saw it realized who the real nudniks were. These geniuses are part of the 3%.
2. Mom of 15 year old who got shot at the Quality Inn
The hippies didn’t like this one because it exposed the root causes of all of society’s problems – shitty Moms. A few months back a 15 year old Forest Grove student was shot multiple times at the Quality Inn on Lincoln Street. We found out who he was and were shocked when we saw that he was bragging about what a bad ass junior gangsta he was on Twitter and Facebook. Then it all made sense when we saw pictures of him flashing large amounts of cash, gang signs, and shooting imaginary guns at imaginary people.
This picture and the mother’s commentary spoke a thousand words.
Ebonics translation – he’s openly bragging about taking his drug money and buying clothes with it. That’s what “dirty money keep a nigga clean” means. Naturally Mom of the year didn’t focus on the fact that he’s a drug dealer. Instead she praised him for looking fly. Priorities people. Priorities. Her rants after the shooters ended up getting arrested were even better:
I’m shocked that this woman’s 15 year old kid ended up involved in gangs. Shocked.
1. Blackstone Killer Mom Erika Murray
Who else? This is a woman who killed three of her own children through starvation and malnutrition, whom she had given birth to at home so as to hide them from the rest of the world. Two of her surviving children (aged 6 months and 3) were found in an upstairs room, covered in feces and maggots, and severely stunted physically and mentally. The house in Blackstone was a legitimate biohazzard, and was eventually torn to the ground.
Naturally she had this to say a few months before her house of horrors was discovered:
The only debate left is whether or not she’s insane or just an evil person. But the fact that she has two other children (aged 10 and 13) who appeared to be normal, and of whom she showed her adoration for on Facebook, makes this one of the most bizarre, fucked up stories you will ever hear. It’s not every day you find someone who makes you say, “Those kids would’ve been better off raised by Casey Anthony,” but at least Casey Anthony was probably quick and swift with her poor daughter. Erika Murray made her kids suffer. She is the worst mother who has ever lived and it’s not even really close.
On that note, happy Mother’s Day everyone!!