Follow @TurtleboyNews on Twitter by clicking here. 

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here. 

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Smiles Forever, the newest Turtleboy Sports page and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information.

I really didn’t think there was any more to add to the story of the mythical Meth Monkey, but…

I need to start out this blog by giving major props to all the Turtleboys and Turtlegals who have been doing this for years. This is my first time journeying down a rabbit hole filled with this kind of depravity and frankly I’m beginning to question my own sanity. Evidently in my first story with Turtleboy Sports I had only scratched the nicotine stained surface. What a shitshow. Really. I think this Skeletor stunt double ruined my life.

From what I’ve gathered about Krystal With-A-K Kenny, this chick could make a killing by becoming a life coach for people who want that “rode hard and put away wet” lifestyle without having to put in the years of failure. She could teach the average Joe to go from a standard 9 to 5 with a nice house and 401-K to performing “favors” for deviants behind Dollar Tree for half a bag all day every day in exactly 2.5 hours. The first clue that her lengthy arrest record was only the beginning was this:

Thanks Shirley!!

I have to say, I never thought I would ever be perusing a prostitution website. I mean, I’ve only been married for 12 years and Mr. Turtleboy Tryout and I are still wicked into each other so if I ever did envision this happening, it wouldn’t be until like, 4 years from now. In any event, this place is fucking saaaaaad. Like, Wednesday at Good Time sad (shout out to my Slummerville peeps, may I never see half of y’all again!)

Lo and behold, I found myself a hoe!

The worst part of this is the fact that that link leads you to one of the many pages Krystal Meth has, which is about a billion. Girl must make a new one every time she’s fresh out the joint. This particular account has some of the most ratchet postings I’ve ever seen and to be honest, I’m pretty proud that I found it all on my own. I almost believed that, much in the way of Jerry Springer, TBS hired these people as actors to behave in such a way. This is my first observation of a level 12 Narcan queen in the wild, untamed lands of Facebook. I’m devastated. I have in no way, shape or form ever lived a sheltered life. I know many a ratchet skag , however the queefbeasts I know at least have the decency to pretend to be normal on the book and exercise some restraint. Case in point, I have never seen anything like this rolling through my feed:

A post showing proof that her label of “rat” is an unfair assessment of her upstanding hoodrat person. How many people have claimed to not be a snitch? How many of those people have sought out to provide documentation that they aren’t a snitch? Taking it to a whole new level.

Also, I never thought anything could overshadow being an online prostitute, but fully admit that I was wrong. I have never been so confused as I was when I saw this.

At first glance, that’s heart wrenching. No little baby should have to go through this. As a mother of two, I immediately felt like a bucket of smashed assholes for putting this bitch on blast. Upon further inspection I realized, as I’m sure many other TBS bloggers have, that my first instinct was correct in that this thundercunt fully deserved every word of it. Apparently, nothing she said was true.

Of course, once I read that Jacqueline Reason had “numerous incarcerations” had relapsed and I’m assuming lost custody of her children, her credibility went right out the window. I did note that waaaay back, just about half past forever ago, Krystal tagged herself holding a baby with Jacqueline’s apparent husband in Portland, Maine. I also noted that Momma Meth Muppet asked Krazy Krystal who’s baby it was so at this point it’s anyone’s guess. I have literally, in all honesty never been so confused in my entire life. Then again, Krystal seems to be a never ending chasm of confusion. For instance, how the hell do you rationalize having photos of your other child (that you also don’t appear to have custody of, thank God) all over your page that is linked to a site on which you sell your body presumably for drugs? Yup, not only are her Johns able to see her children, she must friend them as well considering this series of unfortunate comments.

He’s chomping at the bit to get a piece of that sloppy slobber from the stench trench wench herself. Boy is thiiirrrrsty:

Super subtle, guy. Way to play it cool. At least he’ll make it “worth your wild”. Unbelievable. She has a gaggle of men all flock to whatever bug eyed, pinpointed pupil picture she posts of herself who all seem to be on the lookout for a discount by feeding her compliments like their Suboxone.

She’s also prone to Internet fights with other ratchets, which is the ratchet way. Why deal with confrontation in private like a civilized person when you can engage in airing your grievances for both your kids and johns to see?

Wow.

I will never be the same again. I have witnessed first hand what it’s like to truly take in all that is wrong with this world completely unfiltered. I have looked into the toothless mouth of evil. I need to take a shower until the hot water runs out.

Psssst… North Shore Turtlebabe, what migraine medication do you use?