Turtleboy Tryout

Merrimack Meth Monkeys Get Busted With Drugs After Wisely Setting Off Fire Alarm In Hotel Room

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Nestled between Maine and Massachusetts is an often overlooked cesspool of opiate related debauchery known as New Hampshire, and on February 7th, this stale fart swooped in like a breath of fresh air. Krystal “With-A-K” Kenny was arrested on an outstanding warrant for methamphetamine.

She looks like a nice girl, not Galinda The Good Witch nice but not like…

Well, I stand corrected.

Moving on, our little Krystal Meth Muppet here is no stranger to the law. Two months prior to her most recent snag by the po-po, she and her favorite flying monkey were unjustly arrested all because of a misunderstanding involving fire alarms, dirty motels, a mega- buffet of drugs and a little dog too (I presume).

At just before 1 a.m. on Christmas Day, firefighters and police were called to the Woodspring Suites hotel on Executive Park Drive for an alarm activation. When they arrived, they went to the room where the alarm activated and spoke with Gates.

“While speaking with MFD and MPD personnel, they noticed a Ziplock baggie with methamphetamine on the floor at Gates’ feet,” Sgt. Cassell of the Merrimack Police Department. “He was arrested without incident.”

Kenny was also in the room and allegedly carrying a wallet with fentanyl patches and a baggie with brown powder consistent with heroin-fentanyl. She also reportedly had more than $1,500 in cash. Kenny was also arrested.O

Police then filed for a search warrant and received it. After searching the hotel room, officers allegedly found 29 grams of methamphetamine and $2,000 in cash in another purse that Kenny was reportedly in possession of at the time officers arrived at the scene. Also allegedly found in the room were a scale, clean baggies, ledgers, and quantities of meth, heroin, and Suboxone.”

Merry Christmas! Some people celebrate with a tree, maybe a couple gifts and Christmas carols. These two set off fire alarms at the local Cum Drop Inn and snort their snowmen. To each their own, I guess.

Let’s take a look at Krystal’s side piece, Charles “Manson-meth-monster” Gates. I’m gonna warn you in advance, dude looks like a hot glue Christmas ornament project gone terribly awry that someone tried cleaning up with Brillo Pads, and when that failed to remedy this attack on Baby Jesus himself just said “fuck it” and threw red glitter and/or herpes at it.

If there’s an Amish death metal band out there, someone who still owns postage stamps should write and let them know that we located their front man. They must be worried sick.

Chuck E. Sleaze has had his fair share of run-in with the law as well. Totally not his fault though, he has a disease that causes you to commit felony check fraud and forget your ID at the crime scene

A city man, accused of writing four company checks to himself while his boss was out of the country, could enter no plea Thursday in Circuit Court-Manchester District Division to four felony forgery charges.

Charles Gates, 29, of 602 Front St., is accused of writing four checks on the Semper Fi Power Supply company account, totaling more than Court documents show Gates cashed two of the checks at WalMart on Keller Street and cashed one at Joseph Brothers Market, 196 Lake Ave. But when he tried to cash a second check at Joseph Brothers, which had been notified the first check was a forgery, he left the store, leaving behind both the check and his ID.

More than anything, I’m surprised that he can be referred to as a “former employee”. Someone actually took a look at that mug and thought to themselves “Totes trustworthy, definitely hired” and gave him a checkbook. Poor guy though, seems like his Bathsalt Bae didn’t stick with him. She had to move on to greener pastures, she’s got so much to offer. How in the world could she settle especially when she’s a solid 8… in Lawrence?

She’s simply too hot to handle. Cannot be held down. She’s all about the glamour…

……shots taken while posing outside of her Roach Motel du jour.

She has class, style, grace and standards.

She has a certain lifestyle to maintain amongst at least six people who share her ideals.

She appreciates the finer things in life, like kanji tattoos that she gets from the finest prison tattoo artist in her swanky Bunghole For Bank Bungalow.

Translated into English her ink reads “You must possess this much meth to ride this ride”.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn those gloves are the first pieces of latex to touch her body in decades as it appears she squatted out some employee of the month trophies who are college aged and by the looks of it, pretty normal. Glad that apple fell far, far from the tree because evidently these are Krystal’s roots.

Meet Mom Kathy who obviously passed down her Jim Hensen-esque good looks to her crotchfruit

I will never not have Meth Muppets on my mind for the rest of ever.

Mana Mana..

Doo do do do do…

The moral of this story is that if you’re going to do a shitfuckton of ALL the drugs, rob people to feed your disgusting habits and just be an awful person all around make sure you save your appetite for your well deserved shame sammich.

And never trust a Krystal “With-a-K”.

And lastly, to wash your lady parts daily.  No idea what this means exactly, but I want nothing to do with it:

30 Comment(s)
  • JM
    July 29, 2018 at 11:10 am

    The writer forgot her wonderful sister Kayla Kenny she’s a winner too, oded w drugs on table and kids there , rather be a prostitute for drugs then to fight for her kids . Has oded numerous times been in and out of jail they all need a house to fall on them!!!

    • Kevin
      December 20, 2020 at 6:37 am

      Jesus this is the first girl i bagged moving to NH .. she is a screamer but she was still kinda innocent then.. lol but hate to say it’s a family thing here.. first time in my life where I seen the whole fam smoking rock at dinner table! Shit coming from Mass you figure this wouldn’t shock me.. lol hey it was a good time behind closed doors with this one.. Now you should do one on her whole fam esp sister Kayla.. lol

  • panzer9811
    March 26, 2018 at 7:03 pm

    What the Hell is up with those ginormous varicose-veined man feet? Yikes!

  • Bleh
    March 26, 2018 at 2:39 pm

    Omg that guys face! Vom.

  • Rick Shaw
    Rick Shaw
    March 26, 2018 at 12:58 pm

    She looks like she’s been beat in the face with a bag of nickles or maybe she’s the victim of a curb sandwich. Her man looks like someone stomped on his face with golf cleats. I have a great idea. We can find some uninhabited island in Maine and round up as many of these parasite meth heads as possible and stick them on the island. We can then for a price sell tickets to people and provide them with guns so they can hunt these sub-humans.

    • TortugaNino
      March 26, 2018 at 1:17 pm

      you must be new here…

    • panzer9811
      March 26, 2018 at 6:56 pm

      Nooooooo! Leave Maine alone!
      Jesus Christ man, how about an island off the coast of fuckin’ Greenland, where they will survive approximately 18 hours if not bagged?
      Or how about a simple walk “out back”———- sell tickets to that hunt…….I’ll buy one.

  • HateTheNameKrystal
    March 26, 2018 at 9:02 am

    Never… ever… name your daughter “Krystal.” Does anyone know a Krystal who isn’t one of the following:

    An unwed mother
    High school dropout
    Seriously overweight
    A tattoo canvas
    Just FN ugly

    Now… imagine if you live in one of the great low income ‘burbs like Spencer, the Brookfields, , Oakham, etc… and you name your daughter Krystal?

  • Kanacke Hasser
    March 25, 2018 at 11:00 am

    We’ll see what happens when ICE is finally allowed to go into Lawrence and exterminate the MS-13.

    By the way, remember about 4 years ago when those “unaccompanied minors” traveled 3,500 miles and showed up on our borders and the moonbats whined until we admitted them? It kind of coincided with the spike in opioid problems, didn’t it?

    Democrats are what is wrong with America. Every other issue is a result of their policies.

  • Fuck Stick
    March 25, 2018 at 8:49 am

    A quick google search and you can learn that she is from Rochester NH, not Merrimack. Which is important info because Rochester is the Fitchburg of NH. And she is only 34 years old, looks rough for 34. I think turtle tryout should tone down the trying to be funny and cartoon portrayals and dig deeper into the character instead of reprinting the same shit from another website. By the way, the story is 3 months old. Just my .02

  • Lily White
    March 24, 2018 at 9:20 pm

    Hire this Turtle Rider. Great article. Very funny.

    • Nicastro
      July 14, 2019 at 4:16 pm

      If people must know, Krystal went to school in Farmington, NH, and has been on the wrong path since 1999. Hung out with drug addicts, married and divorced him, been in and out of rehab. Her sister, Kayla, made national as a mom of 3 who overdosed next to her 3 children. Not shit talking, but laying out facts. We never saw eye to eye in school or after. Such a disappointment.

      • Triscuit
        August 5, 2019 at 7:01 pm

        Is her sister still doing drugs? Her husband is saying she has been sober. He has a kid and mother is trying to keep the kid away from all of this.

  • Real_Finn
    March 24, 2018 at 9:19 pm

    Great job Turtle Tryout!


  • K
    March 24, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    How can the mother be categorized by a photo?

  • MrSmiley
    March 24, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    One chance to kill it with fire and faaaillled. Ding dings need to slow their role to the flophouse motels.

  • BostonBobby
    March 24, 2018 at 7:44 pm

    Omg…. That first pic of Krystal… gulp…..terrifying.

    I’m out…(insert sound of car door slamming and screeching tires)

  • DummyRummy
    March 24, 2018 at 6:40 pm

    It’s a little disheartening when you see people like this whose entire miserable fates were probably already sealed at the moment of birth. The statistical odds that she’d turn out to be a normal, upstanding human being with a meat bag like that for a mother were about 1 in 10,000,000.

  • Man with The Yellow Hat
    March 24, 2018 at 6:07 pm

    Turtle Tryout? More like Turtle trying-too-hard out.

  • Shirley Leung
    March 24, 2018 at 5:35 pm

    She’s on backpage….

  • Tageman
    March 24, 2018 at 4:24 pm

    Growth industry for the future… tattoo removal
    when you realize the body God made cannot be improved with a dirty needle in someplace like Salem Nh
    and BTW when you age your skin gets tighter right???
    or does it sag..especially if drugs are doing a number
    on your skin

    • vicxh
      March 24, 2018 at 5:24 pm

      Sorry bro – they will either OD or get shot or shanked before getting old

  • Will Crusher
    March 24, 2018 at 4:01 pm

    My brother: “Her mom looks like Emperor Palpatine with a white trash wig.”

    • Savage Squaw Bitch
      March 26, 2018 at 1:23 pm

      Nailed it.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Kevin's 9 iron
    March 24, 2018 at 3:20 pm

    Just so im straight. It’s merrimack for meth, lawrence for fentanil,and lowell for heroin? What do they all have in common?

    • GingyKidd
      March 25, 2018 at 1:31 am

      And Fitchburg for them all!

  • 2wEntEe
    March 24, 2018 at 3:18 pm

    Whoever wrote this article must have a personal grievance with Krystal. Seemed to be way more talking smack than news reporting.

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Kevin's 9 iron
      March 24, 2018 at 3:25 pm

      Palesse. The meth muppet deserves what she got.

    • Light One Up
      March 25, 2018 at 8:10 am

      See, “K-rystal” represents all of the Krystals. So it’s not a personal grievance with her, it’s with ALL of the trash in ALL of the communities we are surrounded by. These people are dragging down the public school system, causing police and fire dept budgets to skyrocket, and are a drain on organizations that could otherwise be helping those who need it like the disable, the elderly, or our veterans. Time to take out the trash.

      • 2wEntEe
        March 27, 2018 at 1:52 pm

        You’re missing my point.
        I’m critiquing the efforts of this Turtle tryout.
        Turtleboy Sports is a news source… And they just so happen to do some funny shit talking to convey their point.

        This turtle tryouter does a bit more shit talking than is necessary. Its less of a news story and more of a shit talking dialogue.

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