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Turtleboy Does Gay Marriage

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If you have a Facebook page, then you’re probably already sick of hearing about this topic, but obviously we had to chime in. What’s the deal with gay marriage? People really still care that two dudes wanna marry each other? This is a thing still? This is worth fighting over? I really don’t get it. Here’s Turtleboy’s rational thoughts on gay marriage after the Supreme Court officially made junior smokeshow-on-junior smokeshow marriage legal in all 50 states today.

  • Gay marriage doesn’t affect anyone except for the people getting married. It doesn’t cheapen your heterosexual marriage one bit. You know who cheapens heterosexual marriage? The Kardashians. Once you frauds start picketing the next sham Hollywood marriage, then I can start taking you seriously.
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  • Everyone should want AT LEAST one gay couple in their neighborhood – preferably next door. Show me a gay couple’s lawn that is unkempt. Show me a gay couple’s bushes that aren’t freshly manicured. Show me a neighborhood where a gay couple has brought down your property value. You can’t. There is no more valuable commodity if you are trying to sell your home, than a friendly gay couple next door.


  • Gay couples aren’t the bogey man. For the most part they are actually hilarious. I dare you to watch an episode of Modern Family and still think gay marriage is a bad thing.


  • I wanted to puke watching President Obama today. Actually scratch that. I wanted to puke watching morons drool over President Flip-Flop was today. Newsflash – there has never been a more spineless politician than Obama. This is a man who STEADFASTLY spoke against gay marriage time and time again. But now that Macklemore won a couple Grammy’s he’s pretending like he’s been all aboard this whole time. Any gay person who is applauding the President for lighting the White House up like a rainbow is a moron. This is a guy who purposely fucked you over for years, only to change his mind at the last minute once he licked his thumb and put it in the air to see which way the political consensus was going.


  • To be on the Supreme Court you have to be really fucking smart. But even the smartest people in the world view the world and the constitution through different lenses. Yet every person on my Facebook roster today was magically a constitutional scholar, who felt they could critique either the four dissenters or five majority write ups that they do after these things. But for the record, conservative justice Antonin Scalia gave one of the awesomest dissents I’ve ever seen, solely because he incorporated the word “hippies” into it:


  • If straight people have to get married then gay people should have to get married too. Don’t you think I’d like to live a fabulous life where I get to go to cool art festivals and never have to settle down?

Turtleboy offered a simple solution to gay marriage a long time ago that no one listened to. The government shouldn’t be recognizing ANY marriages – straight or gay. Marriage is a religious institution. Muslims, Christians, Jews. They all recognize marriage as some sort of spiritual event.

So why is the government getting into the marriage business? Is the government an officially sanctioned religion? I thought we separated church and state in America. It’s one of the main reasons I like living in America.

Is the government going to start recognizing first communions? How about bat mitzvahs? How about stoning of adulterers? I mean, if we’re recognizing religious rites of passage, why stop at marriage?

The simple solution is of course that the government shouldn’t be calling ANYTHING a marriage. The state certainly has an interest in joining together consensual adults who wish to join into a legal partnership that gives them full legal rights, including the right to adopt, and be the legal beneficiary after your partner has died.

So Turtleboy’s solution is to stop recognizing marriages of all kinds, and start recognizing civil unions only. Gay and straight. You wanna get married? Go to church. You wanna enter a legal partnership with the person of your choice? Go to City Hall. Boom. Problem solved.

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26 Comment(s)
  • Maggie the Cat
    June 28, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I don’t really care if gays get married or not, but I do care that there are so many baby daddies and baby mommas out there who choose not to give their children the dignity of belonging to a real, state-sanctioned (through a marriage license) family.

    Of course, if I was planning to go to law school I’d be happy about the increase in business for divorce lawyers, because gay people will probably turn out just like straight people in terms of marriage failures.

    • Finnish Goalie
      June 28, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      “Let ’em be as miserable as the rest of us”

      Wakka wakka!

  • Finnish Goalie
    June 28, 2015 at 8:58 am

    14th Amendment and Judicial Review.

    • clives doorag top convertable
      June 28, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      tell that to all the small businesses that have been bankrupt with lawsuits and boycotts by these nutbags after they were refused service.

      • Finnish Goalie
        June 28, 2015 at 7:37 pm

        So if a small business in the South can be closed by a boycott, that means the vast majority of the people in said community do not hold with their stance, yes?

        In the same way that the boycott’s of TB sponsors seem to be failing.

        • clives doorag top convertable
          June 29, 2015 at 8:47 pm

          most small businesses do not have the resources to fight groups like the SPLC and ACLU in court. That’s whats happening and that’s what will happen to anyone who gets in their way.

  • Wheelwright
    June 28, 2015 at 7:11 am

    The main issue here is that we aren’t a democracy but a Representative Republic, a collection of “United States”. As such what the Supreme Court has done essentially shoves that all up our asses, pun intended. The fisters are rejoicing, There are laws that regulate interstate commerce, such as banning tariffs when selling products from one State to another and recognizing each other’s drivers licenses (but not concealed carry permits you pus infected fuck heads!) but when it comes to something of a religious nature people get confused and the Constitution gets aborted. Each State gets to set its own Laws. Here the morons say that if the mentally retarded can get legally married in all 57 States. That doesn’t mean that the Churches, and synagogues have to marry them though. They can refuse and many will. This will battle out in the Courts for decades to cum. Pun intended.

    Not sure what the attraction of sticking one’s dick up another guy’s mud whistle is but our government is sure full of them now and while they make up only 2% of the population but about 80% of Hollywood they sure won this round.

    Sad day for America.

    • Finnish Goalie
      June 28, 2015 at 8:57 am

      “That doesn’t mean that the Churches, and synagogues have to marry them though.”

      And they don’t have to now.

      No Catholic Church has such marriages on their itinerary anytime soon, or the Orthodox one down the street for that matter.

    • TurtleBoySpurts
      June 28, 2015 at 1:39 pm

      “Not sure what the attraction of sticking one’s dick up another guy’s mud whistle is but…”

      But you obviously give it far more thought than most any gay man ever does. 😉

  • clives doorag top convertable
    June 27, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    A slippery slope indeed..In the 80’s, nobody in their right mind would have believed that there would ever be gay marriage. Today, nobody in their right mind would believe you could marry your sister, your dog or a child..but why not now? are one group of deviants allowed to have rights and the others not? The whole goal of the progressive agenda is to destroy norms and replace them with perversion. To destroy self reliance, family values, and religion and replace them with the government deity. Its how they get chaos, chaos is how they get power. Turn out the lights America..a new dark age is among us

    • TurtleBoySpurts
      June 28, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      Thanks for the reminder that the religious fundamentalists that truly pose the greatest danger to this country call themselves Christians and live among us. They should be opposed at every turn with the same fervor with which we oppose all who would force their religion upon us.

      • clives doorag top convertable
        June 28, 2015 at 2:08 pm

        Religious fundamentalist’s? by that I am sure you mean Global warmers, Isis, Wicca, etc no?

    • Dude
      June 29, 2015 at 9:20 am

      ” Today, nobody in their right mind would believe you could marry your sister, your dog or a child..but why not now?”

      Well, dogs (and other animals) cannot sign a legal contract, both due to not being a legal person and lack of opposible thumbs. So, no, you will not see that. Children can get married, if they are of a certian age and have a parent/guardian sign off on it (between 14 and 17 depending on the state). Younger than that, you run in to the “cannot sign into a contract under informed concent” problem you do with animals, so you won’t see that happen. With marrying a sibling, you will have the proper informed concent, but due to the genetic problems that will rise with inter-breeding, it will never happen.

      So, maybe I missed something. What is the legal reason someone cannot marry someone of any gender they happen to be attracted to?

      • clives doorag top convertable
        June 29, 2015 at 8:44 pm


        • Dude
          June 30, 2015 at 11:08 am

          Which part are you having trouble with? Maybe I can dumb it down a little for you.

  • Leo
    June 27, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    Totally agreed with the Turtleboy solution here; show me the part of the US Constitution that authorizes the government to define marriage. Let people form civil unions and call them what they like.

    (And in response to some of the religious leaders’ arguments about how polygamy is next… so what? If everyone involved is a consenting adult, it’s their decision to make and not mine.)

  • JoeMomma
    June 27, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    I don’t mind that New York Jets fans can finally get married.

    • BobnMic
      June 28, 2015 at 9:25 pm

      Good one JM

      • BobnMic
        June 28, 2015 at 9:58 pm

        Marriage is an “Institution.” They put crazy people in Institutions don’t they? I mean I’ve been married for several plus years and so I am Insane. If you ask me a normal question about anything I will ramble on about the virtue of rubber and how bouncy the potential of that product is.

  • Chris From Georgia
    June 27, 2015 at 11:16 am

    It’s obvious TB hasn’t really thought this through. The ramifications of the decision are very far reaching and unfortunately no good will come of it. The biggest concern is freedom to practice one faith. Already we have seen examples of small businesses that have been ruined simply because they chose not provide services for an activity that their faith considers sinful.

    • John
      June 28, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Faith has as little place in business as it does in government. If you refuse to serve someone in your business because you don’t like them, you deserve to lose the business.

    • Dude
      June 29, 2015 at 9:10 am

      “The biggest concern is freedom to practice one faith. Already we have seen examples of small businesses that have been ruined simply because they chose not provide services for an activity that their faith considers sinful.”

      They are free to discriminate but shouldn’t be held responsible for thier actions? Seems kind of straight forward that if you refuse service to a group of people you will loose revenue. If that group is big enough, you may loose enough to see your business fail. So, those business owners have a choice to make (because living in America is all about making choices and standing up to the consequences of your desicions, good or bad):

      1) Stay the current business model and fail.
      2) Grow up, stop hating people based on who makes thier pants tingle and sell them things.

  • June 27, 2015 at 9:18 am

    The “Facebook” aspect of this is what kills me. What I want to know is how many people who are posting shit about this today ever actually lifted a finger to support the gay marriage cause?

  • Sarah
    June 27, 2015 at 6:10 am

    According to research, the majority of gays cohabitant – meaning they have little or no intent of getting married, they just want to fuck and move on – just like heteros. Procreation? Isn’t that why marriage was invented in the first place?

    In any case gay marriage will help put more people on social security and other federal gov. programs. Think that thru if yo can.

    BTW, gays have a higher separation rate than heteros. Can’t call it divorce if gay marriage was illegal in half the country. Gay men have a higher infidelity rate than heteros. Wonder why?

    In any case, with all the biased research out there it hard to know what the facts are.

    BTW are you gay TB?

    • Fist
      June 27, 2015 at 7:39 am

      It’s their right to cheat, fuck and divorce their way through marriage. There’s absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t be given a fair chance at it too.

  • Lampidol
    June 27, 2015 at 1:25 am

    Love the post, but the United States is so far from being an example of separation of church and state it’s laughable. There are many countries in the EU who have an actual separation. (As in you would be commiting political suicide in France if you talked about God’s grace during speeches.

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