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If you have a Facebook page, then you’re probably already sick of hearing about this topic, but obviously we had to chime in. What’s the deal with gay marriage? People really still care that two dudes wanna marry each other? This is a thing still? This is worth fighting over? I really don’t get it. Here’s Turtleboy’s rational thoughts on gay marriage after the Supreme Court officially made junior smokeshow-on-junior smokeshow marriage legal in all 50 states today.
- Gay marriage doesn’t affect anyone except for the people getting married. It doesn’t cheapen your heterosexual marriage one bit. You know who cheapens heterosexual marriage? The Kardashians. Once you frauds start picketing the next sham Hollywood marriage, then I can start taking you seriously.
- Everyone should want AT LEAST one gay couple in their neighborhood – preferably next door. Show me a gay couple’s lawn that is unkempt. Show me a gay couple’s bushes that aren’t freshly manicured. Show me a neighborhood where a gay couple has brought down your property value. You can’t. There is no more valuable commodity if you are trying to sell your home, than a friendly gay couple next door.
- Gay couples aren’t the bogey man. For the most part they are actually hilarious. I dare you to watch an episode of Modern Family and still think gay marriage is a bad thing.
- I wanted to puke watching President Obama today. Actually scratch that. I wanted to puke watching morons drool over President Flip-Flop was today. Newsflash – there has never been a more spineless politician than Obama. This is a man who STEADFASTLY spoke against gay marriage time and time again. But now that Macklemore won a couple Grammy’s he’s pretending like he’s been all aboard this whole time. Any gay person who is applauding the President for lighting the White House up like a rainbow is a moron. This is a guy who purposely fucked you over for years, only to change his mind at the last minute once he licked his thumb and put it in the air to see which way the political consensus was going.
- To be on the Supreme Court you have to be really fucking smart. But even the smartest people in the world view the world and the constitution through different lenses. Yet every person on my Facebook roster today was magically a constitutional scholar, who felt they could critique either the four dissenters or five majority write ups that they do after these things. But for the record, conservative justice Antonin Scalia gave one of the awesomest dissents I’ve ever seen, solely because he incorporated the word “hippies” into it:
- If straight people have to get married then gay people should have to get married too. Don’t you think I’d like to live a fabulous life where I get to go to cool art festivals and never have to settle down?
Turtleboy offered a simple solution to gay marriage a long time ago that no one listened to. The government shouldn’t be recognizing ANY marriages – straight or gay. Marriage is a religious institution. Muslims, Christians, Jews. They all recognize marriage as some sort of spiritual event.
So why is the government getting into the marriage business? Is the government an officially sanctioned religion? I thought we separated church and state in America. It’s one of the main reasons I like living in America.
Is the government going to start recognizing first communions? How about bat mitzvahs? How about stoning of adulterers? I mean, if we’re recognizing religious rites of passage, why stop at marriage?
The simple solution is of course that the government shouldn’t be calling ANYTHING a marriage. The state certainly has an interest in joining together consensual adults who wish to join into a legal partnership that gives them full legal rights, including the right to adopt, and be the legal beneficiary after your partner has died.
So Turtleboy’s solution is to stop recognizing marriages of all kinds, and start recognizing civil unions only. Gay and straight. You wanna get married? Go to church. You wanna enter a legal partnership with the person of your choice? Go to City Hall. Boom. Problem solved.