Turtleboy Fixes Baseball Hall of Fame Voting With Top 10

hall of fame memes

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The Baseball Writers Association of America today had their one day where they get to feel important as the 2015 Hall of Fame voting results were announced. No Hall of Fame compares to the Baseball Hall of Fame. It’s all baseball really has going for it. Other than it’s just a boring game where dudes scratch their nuts and chew sunflower seeds for four hours. To get into the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown you need to get 75% of these slug rakes to vote for you. Each voter is allowed ten votes, but they don’t have to use them all. If a player doesn’t get in after 15 tries they’re dropped from the ballot for good. Here were the 2015 Baseball Hall of Fame voting results:

Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 11.45.34 PM Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 11.45.49 PM

Who the hell are these idiots who are voting for Darin Erstad, Aaron Boone, Troy Percival, and Flash Gordon? Seriously, I wanna see their WHOLE ballots. Because there were 49 freaking people who left Pedro off. Meanwhile some nudnik voted for Darin freaking Erstad.

There is no one in sports more egocentric than a Hall of Fame voter. All year long they toil away writing garbage for their dying newspaper in a dying industry. They watch as sports bloggers all over the country are surpassing them in revenue and page views. They’re mad because they went to journalism school and have classical training and then assholes like me start our own blog and everyone reads us instead.

But not on Hall of Fame day. Oh no. Turtleboy doesn’t get a vote for that. This is their time to shine and they’re gonna make a name for themselves. That’s all this is about. It’s a bunch of self righteous bullshit that makes them feel important for a day. Nothing more. Nothing less.

That’s the only way you can explain the bullshit results like this that you see every year. It’s obviously complicated now with steroids. Should they get in or not? The bottom line is we don’t know who did and who didn’t, so let’s just assume for the sake of argument that they all did it. We just have to raise the value of what a Hall of Famer is. Sorry Craig Biggio, your 3,000 hits with no power, and only a single 200 hit season, just ain’t gonna cut it.

hall of fame memes

Another thing that should matter is postseason performance. You play to win the game. Biggio and Bagwell never did shit.

Oh yea, and the fact that some people don’t vote for players like Johnson and Pedro on the “first ballot” is yet another example of how these writers just want our attention. They want us to ask them why they voted the way they did so we’ll click on their dumbass columns and read their dumbass reasoning. If a guy wasn’t good enough the first time around then how the hell can you rationalize voting for him the second time around? Why are Bonds and Clemens higher on this list then they were last year? Get out of my face BBWA.

Here’s the Turtleboy ballot that never was (in order that I would rank their priority):

1. Pedro Martinez

The fact that he didn’t get 100% of the vote is a joke and tells you everything you need to know about the BBWA. Clayton Kershaw couldn’t hold Pedro’s jockstrap from 99. On when you led the league in a category it’s bolded. Half of Pedro’s page is in bold. He led the Red Sox to a championship for the first time in 86 freaking years. If he’s not a Hall of Famer then they should burn that place to the ground. Somehow 49 self-righteous assholes decided he didn’t deserve it. Most importantly he did this:


2. Randy Johnson

Obviously. The only reason he even played baseball is because he couldn’t fit into a NASCAR racer. Another 15 idiots decided that 303 wins, 9 seasons of leading the league in strikeouts, 100 complete games, 37 shutouts, a world series, and the most demeaning legendary presence on the mound, didn’t quite qualify him for Cooperstown. This is why the BBWA is a joke.

randy johnson memes

3. Mike Piazza

How does this guy keep not getting in? When I was growing up catchers were supposed to be fat guys who played good defense but couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Then Mike Piazza came along and changed everything. The man hit over 400 home runs, batted .308 lifetime, and made it to a World Series. He’s the greatest hitting catcher OF ALL TIME. But yet somehow assholes like New York Daily News reporter Bill Maddon don’t vote for him. Probably so he could write articles like this entitled, “Why I DID NOT vote for Mike Piazza.” Hey everyone, look at what I wrote!! Pay attention to me today!! It’s my big day!!

mike piazza hall of fame

4. Curt Schilling

It’s an absolute joke that he can’t get more than 40% of the vote. The man is an absolute LEGEND. Period. He won TWO World Series and beat the mighty New York Yankees along the way in both of them. People forget how unstoppable the Yankees were. I thought they would never lose again until Schilling and Johnson gave them a country tag team back in ought one. I don’t care that he only has 216 wins and never won a Cy Young. He pitched 83 complete games and ALWAYS sacked up when you needed him to. He’s kind of like the Big Ben of MLB except without all the rape.

curt schilling memes

5. Roger Clemens

Did he do steroids? LOL, that’s a clown question bro. Obviously he did steroids. I don’t care and neither should you. Every year we cheer for David Ortiz. He did steroids (I don’t wanna hear about no proof either. If you don’t think Papi juices then you’re a McMuffin). We cheered for Manny too. Sorry, but steroids were more than just a part of the game – they were part of the American identity for a good 10 years there. And it was AWESOME. Baseball used to be fun to watch, and fantasy baseball used to be a million times better because of it. I don’t care if Roger’s stats are inflated because of roids. He DOMINATED forever and won World Series like it was going out of style.

roger clemens memes

6. Barry Bonds

I hate this man with every fiber of my body, but he is a legend. I have no idea when he started doing roids. He could’ve easily been doing them in Pittsburgh. Everyone thinks that only the obvious ones are juicers. He could’ve been doing SOME roids back in Pittsburgh when he was skinny and winning MVPS, and THEN saw what McGwire and Sosa did and said, “fuck it” I’m doing ALL the steroids now. The bottom line is that the man is the all time home run leader. I don’t care how much he cheated. He gets in.

barry bonds before and after steroids

7. John Smoltz

Another obvious won. No one in MLB history has ever won 200 games and saved another 150. He went back and forth between being a closer and a starter like it was going out of style. Oh yea, and he won a World Series. That matters. The only question is, will he be entering the Hall of Fame with a Red Sox jersey like he should?

john smoltz red sox

8. Edgar Martinez

Back when the designated hitters used to actually hit Edgar was the best of them all. This is something like his fifth time on the ballot and he’s not even coming close. That sucks because when I think DH he’s the first person I think of. You just know some asshole writer out there isn’t voting for him because he didn’t play the field. Because there’s nothing BBWA dooshnozzles like to do more than make up their own rules and follow them to a T. The man won two batting titles and more importantly gave hope to fat bastards like Allen Craig that they too could play MLB despite being incredibly out of shape.

edgar martinez

9. Mark McGwire

I would include Sammy Sosa too but I’m running out of spots. The reason he’s not higher is because he was a one trick pony freak show. Bonds at least tried to pretend like he wasn’t playing home run derby. McGwire held that bat like a tooth pick and you could see the juice just oozing out of his pores. The legendary 98 season literally brought MLB back from the grave. That’s gotta be worth something, but he’s not even gonna get close to getting in.

mark mcgwire steroids

10. Jeff Kent

The fact that Biggio is getting in over him is a joke. When I think back on the best second basemen growing up I think of Robbie Alomar and Jeff Kent. Then I take a dump. And THEN I remember Biggio. Second basemen weren’t supposed to hit, but Kent did anyway. And unlike Biggio he didn’t keep playing and playing until he he finally hit 3,000. He had over 100 RBI and 20 home runs in eight different seasons. He’s probably never gonna get in, and that in and of itself is a joke.

Close but no cigar: Biggio, Bagwell, Mussina.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • Billy
    January 7, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    Biggio deserved his vote in

  • Vanderbooger
    January 7, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Well, so much for all of the Cliff Floyd Leaf Rookie Cards that I have sitting up in the attic. I guess I have to hold out for the great Cliff Floyd rookie card fire of 2025 for those babies to have any value. Should have sold them to Jones’ Baseball Cards and More back in ’95.

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