We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Wormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Michael Gaffney, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, H-S Trading Firearms, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, HomeWarrantyReports.com, The Gun Parlor Range, 3B Auto, Pepe’s Restaurant, Firesafe Chimney Services, Attorney Anthony Salerno, North End Motor Sales, Mass Fury. 

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So I thought we could all agree about the shitty Dunkin Donuts blog yesterday, but I forgot we live in America in 2015 and it’s filled with morons who live for reasons to scream “racism” and “sexism.” Yes, somehow our rant about a shitty coffee led to those allegations…

Wait….what??? Turtleboy has gold encrusted hands because he doesn’t like shitty, cat-piss coffee? Turtleboy is the lazy one for not stirring it himself? What kind of anti-American bullshit is this?? Newsflash – I’m the customer, I’m not supposed to stir. They are. That’s why I paid $2.51 for a coffee that I could’ve brewed at home for fifteen cents on the dollar. I was willing to pay tenfold because I wanted to treat myself.  I’m not the lazy one – they are. When I go to a restaurant and order a cheeseburger they don’t hand me a burger with a piece of cheese on the side and point me towards the microwave.

I assumed everyone would just laugh at this guy and tell him calm down. But instead it the rallying cries for the shitty coffee got stronger:

Yea, no shit. That’s why you lost the Civil War and your lone contributions to America are Walmart and the Duggar family.

OK this needs to stop. Let me make myself perfectly clear – when you pay for something that you could easily make at home, you are paying an inflated price and that money goes towards the workers because you are too lazy to make it at home yourself. That’s the whole fucking point of going to Dunkin Donuts. Yes, I could go to the store, buy some bagels, cream cheese, cream, sugar, and coffee. But instead I went to Dunkins because I’m willing to pay more to have someone do that for me.

I shouldn’t have to ask to have my coffee stirred. Do you have to ask for your beer to be served cold when you go to the bar? No. It’s just common sense that it comes that way because it tastes better. This abortion of a coffee has become commonplace so we took a stand against it. It’s the fact that we’ve come to the point where we have to ask for the employees not to be lazy that we are taking a stand against. Bye Felicia.

Yea, that’s it. It’s all just a big conspiracy designed to make Dunkin Donuts employees look bad. The coffee was handed to Turtleboy all mixed together. Then we went home, waited for the particles to separate, staged this photo, and wrote an angry blog. You cracked the case!!!

Hey Josh, I don’t wanna shake the cup. Because it’s not my job to. It’s the fact that we as a society are making excuses for shitty service and saying, “It could be worse,” that service in this country sucks. We allowed it to get to this point because it’s not politically correct to say that minimum wage workers could be doing a better job.

And guess what? When I shake up a coffee my hands get wet and then they get sticky. Most of the time I do this I’m driving and my car doesn’t come equipped with a Goddamn sink, so then the steering wheel and the cupholder get all sticky and nasty too. Guess who’s not cleaning that up for me? The Dunkin Donuts employee.

Do you stand in front of a microwave, watch cheese melt, and say to yourself, “That’s so pretty”? Probably, because quite frankly you sound like a fucking weirdo who gets off on shaking coffees.

Only a matter of time until someone found a way to make a blog about coffee both sexist AND racist. What could possibly be racist or sexist about saying that the lone Puerto Rican woman who works at the DD we got this from is the person whose sweet, angelic voice you hope to hear when you order your coffee at the drive through? Have we reached the point where compliments are now offensive? What if we said that they were bad at making coffee? Would that have been acceptable to the PC police? This person is obviously some white washed southern belle who has never met someone from Eastern Europe but read about them on Facebook one time. Because anyone who actually knows people from Eastern Europe could tell you that they like their coffee a different way than most Americans. Once again, these are scientific facts.

Yup. There it is folks. Someone read a blog about shitty coffee and found a way to turn it into white privilege. Yea, it’s my job to carry Goddamn WET NAPS in my car because the woman at Dunkin Donuts was too lazy to do her job. Yea, that’s it. Who doesn’t carry a fresh supply of wet naps in their glove compartment? Next time I go to a restaurant I’m gonna bring a mop with me. After all, if my waitress spills my drink next to the table I’m gonna need to clean that up myself.

See, now we’ve reached the point where we are bending over backwards to come up with bullshit reasons that a shitty coffee served in a shitty manner is actually a good thing. Because when you’re a PC dooshnozzle you will defend anyone making minimum wage to the ends of the earth.

Who has the time to take a picture of a shitty coffee and blog about it? Turtleboy, that’s who. Because someone has to be the voice for the people. This lowered expectation muff has arbitrarily decided that because Dunkin Donuts is a chain they shouldn’t have to provide a quality product. And because so many people accept that Dunkin Donuts will continue to provide shitty service. People go to DD for one reason – coffee. If they can’t do that right then why are they in business?

And yes, I realize that there are people sick and starving in other countries in the world. So apparently because of that I’m just supposed to accept shitty things in life. Car dealership sold me a car that broke down right after I bought it? Oh well, people in Cameroon still have the plague. Imagine someone told Jonas Salk that he was using his white privilege when he was trying to develop the polio vaccine. Hey Jonas – there’s kids in Bolivia who don’t have running water, so why does it really matter if some white kids in America can’t walk? You can never try to improve life if your own country if somewhere in the world people have it worse than you. Please check your white privilege and stop trying to improve the quality of life for the most advanced country on earth.

Look, I realize this is in fact nit-picking. But nit-picking is what makes America great. We don’t get complacent around here. We have good things but we demand better things. Companies are always looking for ways to make products that take our relatively comfortable lives and make them even more comfortable. We didn’t get to where we are by looking at crappy products and saying “good enough.”

Take a lap hippies.

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Wormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Michael Gaffney, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, H-S Trading Firearms, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, HomeWarrantyReports.com, The Gun Parlor Range, 3B Auto, Pepe’s Restaurant, Firesafe Chimney Services, Attorney Anthony Salerno, North End Motor Sales, Mass Fury. 

Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.