Social Justice Warriors

Turtleboy Is Racist And Sexist For Wanting His Dunkin Donuts Coffee To Not Be Shitty

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So I thought we could all agree about the shitty Dunkin Donuts blog yesterday, but I forgot we live in America in 2015 and it’s filled with morons who live for reasons to scream “racism” and “sexism.” Yes, somehow our rant about a shitty coffee led to those allegations…

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Wait….what??? Turtleboy has gold encrusted hands because he doesn’t like shitty, cat-piss coffee? Turtleboy is the lazy one for not stirring it himself? What kind of anti-American bullshit is this?? Newsflash – I’m the customer, I’m not supposed to stir. They are. That’s why I paid $2.51 for a coffee that I could’ve brewed at home for fifteen cents on the dollar. I was willing to pay tenfold because I wanted to treat myself.  I’m not the lazy one – they are. When I go to a restaurant and order a cheeseburger they don’t hand me a burger with a piece of cheese on the side and point me towards the microwave.

I assumed everyone would just laugh at this guy and tell him calm down. But instead it the rallying cries for the shitty coffee got stronger:

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Yea, no shit. That’s why you lost the Civil War and your lone contributions to America are Walmart and the Duggar family.

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OK this needs to stop. Let me make myself perfectly clear – when you pay for something that you could easily make at home, you are paying an inflated price and that money goes towards the workers because you are too lazy to make it at home yourself. That’s the whole fucking point of going to Dunkin Donuts. Yes, I could go to the store, buy some bagels, cream cheese, cream, sugar, and coffee. But instead I went to Dunkins because I’m willing to pay more to have someone do that for me.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.27.46 PM

I shouldn’t have to ask to have my coffee stirred. Do you have to ask for your beer to be served cold when you go to the bar? No. It’s just common sense that it comes that way because it tastes better. This abortion of a coffee has become commonplace so we took a stand against it. It’s the fact that we’ve come to the point where we have to ask for the employees not to be lazy that we are taking a stand against. Bye Felicia.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.23.41 PMScreen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.24.01 PM

Yea, that’s it. It’s all just a big conspiracy designed to make Dunkin Donuts employees look bad. The coffee was handed to Turtleboy all mixed together. Then we went home, waited for the particles to separate, staged this photo, and wrote an angry blog. You cracked the case!!!

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.25.59 PM

Hey Josh, I don’t wanna shake the cup. Because it’s not my job to. It’s the fact that we as a society are making excuses for shitty service and saying, “It could be worse,” that service in this country sucks. We allowed it to get to this point because it’s not politically correct to say that minimum wage workers could be doing a better job.

And guess what? When I shake up a coffee my hands get wet and then they get sticky. Most of the time I do this I’m driving and my car doesn’t come equipped with a Goddamn sink, so then the steering wheel and the cupholder get all sticky and nasty too. Guess who’s not cleaning that up for me? The Dunkin Donuts employee.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.35.11 PM

Do you stand in front of a microwave, watch cheese melt, and say to yourself, “That’s so pretty”? Probably, because quite frankly you sound like a fucking weirdo who gets off on shaking coffees.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.26.15 PM

m79sb

Only a matter of time until someone found a way to make a blog about coffee both sexist AND racist. What could possibly be racist or sexist about saying that the lone Puerto Rican woman who works at the DD we got this from is the person whose sweet, angelic voice you hope to hear when you order your coffee at the drive through? Have we reached the point where compliments are now offensive? What if we said that they were bad at making coffee? Would that have been acceptable to the PC police? This person is obviously some white washed southern belle who has never met someone from Eastern Europe but read about them on Facebook one time. Because anyone who actually knows people from Eastern Europe could tell you that they like their coffee a different way than most Americans. Once again, these are scientific facts.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.30.06 PM

Yup. There it is folks. Someone read a blog about shitty coffee and found a way to turn it into white privilege. Yea, it’s my job to carry Goddamn WET NAPS in my car because the woman at Dunkin Donuts was too lazy to do her job. Yea, that’s it. Who doesn’t carry a fresh supply of wet naps in their glove compartment? Next time I go to a restaurant I’m gonna bring a mop with me. After all, if my waitress spills my drink next to the table I’m gonna need to clean that up myself.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.29.25 PM

See, now we’ve reached the point where we are bending over backwards to come up with bullshit reasons that a shitty coffee served in a shitty manner is actually a good thing. Because when you’re a PC dooshnozzle you will defend anyone making minimum wage to the ends of the earth.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 1.35.49 PM

Who has the time to take a picture of a shitty coffee and blog about it? Turtleboy, that’s who. Because someone has to be the voice for the people. This lowered expectation muff has arbitrarily decided that because Dunkin Donuts is a chain they shouldn’t have to provide a quality product. And because so many people accept that Dunkin Donuts will continue to provide shitty service. People go to DD for one reason – coffee. If they can’t do that right then why are they in business?

And yes, I realize that there are people sick and starving in other countries in the world. So apparently because of that I’m just supposed to accept shitty things in life. Car dealership sold me a car that broke down right after I bought it? Oh well, people in Cameroon still have the plague. Imagine someone told Jonas Salk that he was using his white privilege when he was trying to develop the polio vaccine. Hey Jonas – there’s kids in Bolivia who don’t have running water, so why does it really matter if some white kids in America can’t walk? You can never try to improve life if your own country if somewhere in the world people have it worse than you. Please check your white privilege and stop trying to improve the quality of life for the most advanced country on earth.

Look, I realize this is in fact nit-picking. But nit-picking is what makes America great. We don’t get complacent around here. We have good things but we demand better things. Companies are always looking for ways to make products that take our relatively comfortable lives and make them even more comfortable. We didn’t get to where we are by looking at crappy products and saying “good enough.”

Take a lap hippies.

 

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50 Comment(s)
  • REALLIBERAL
    October 19, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    So funny. Did this go viral? It’s really good.

  • BobnMic
    October 19, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Welcome to today’s young workforce. Ain’t it promising?

  • typical white person
    October 19, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    I usually make coffee at home. I have noticed that it does not matter whether I put the coffee in the cup first or the milk (or cream). If you pour the milk into the coffee, it sinks to the bottom and gives the coffee a cool layered look. If you pour the coffee on top of the milk, the coffee will rise, creating the same cool layered look. It has to do with specific gravity, to which someone alluded in their comments. You may have to stir your coffee several times in the course of drinking it to keep it from layering. Just sayin…

    • mousy
      October 19, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      LOL!

      They’re calling that a “Macchiato” now and charging extra.

  • loyalreader
    October 19, 2015 at 10:37 am

    First of all, that beverage pictured is not a coffee. It is a disgusting, chilled, overly-sweet, low-class pacifier for fat, infantilized, brain-dead losers. My beef is that when I want to order a real coffee (and get in and out fast), I am invariably standing behind some moron who is describing , in great detail, (to a sullen, fat, minority chick) all of the ingredients and quantities he wants added to his kindergarten sweetie-mix. Oftentimes this same customer races back in, moments later, to scream that some ingredient in this nauseating admixture wasn’t properly prepared. It is not a coffee. It is the end of civilization.

    • GoneWest
      October 19, 2015 at 7:16 pm

      You probably cold brew you hipster

  • PP
    October 19, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Well … based on the background in the picture and the writers preferred DD shops we can ID at least one of the Turtleboy Bloggers. Getting sloppy gents …. clean it up if you want to stay undercover.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      October 20, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      You can ID someone based on a wood counter top and white paneling? What are you, an FBI profiler?

  • Frogshit
    October 19, 2015 at 7:12 am

    You ain’t gonna’ believe this shit! I went into the one in Auburn yesterday and ordered a bagel. The girl was on her phone, texting. So I went behind the counter, toasted and buttered the thing myself, and went on my merry way! I axed her to mail me her $21.00 check at the end of the week. She said she’s have to talk to her Bae?

    • mousy
      October 19, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      I’ve been to that one. I believe it.

    • Dawhoda
      March 10, 2016 at 9:00 pm

      Stop lying your pussy ass did no such thing!

  • Publius
    October 19, 2015 at 6:56 am

    TB points out what low expectations some have. Guess what, stir the coffee and who knows you might even get promoted or develop decent work habits.

    • Finnish Goalie
      October 19, 2015 at 7:39 am

      Coffee rotation engineer.

  • RJ
    October 19, 2015 at 6:16 am

    Yeah, I’m going to go raise and slaughter my own steer, grow and mill my own wheat, grow cucumbers and brine them, grow onions, raise another cow for milk, turn it into cheese, then I’m going to go and make myself a cheeseburger, THEN I’m STILL going to go to McDonalds and pay them for it because I’m not lazy.

  • Steen
    October 18, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    You work at DD or any other coffee shop, you have one job. Make a good coffee.

  • Gronkmonster
    October 18, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    Dannielle sounds a little personally offended…Tip jar run a little low this week ?? Stir the dam coffee and you will be able to buy 5 packs of newports next week

  • coffeemate
    October 18, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    Of you’re one of those…large ice french vanilla xx, 4 pumps liquid FV, 6 sweet n lows, 10 milks…in a hot cup….go kill yourself!!

  • coffeemate
    October 18, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    *stands* with

    • Dawhoda
      October 31, 2015 at 2:44 am

      Expect that shit be stirred! Lol come on now you live in Mr not the gutter well close to it but

  • coffeemate
    October 18, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    I stans with you on this one TB. My guy and I buy (yup you guessed already cuz I am your typical worc chic) 2 XL HOT REGS…2XS a day! I guess we treat ourselves pretty well. Haha All in all we pay $11 per day (rounded figure w out mentioning the extra coffee I might have while at work). I expect that shit be stirred!! I give D&D great business!! I even buy by the pound if on sale!! It’s part of the beverage and service. You stir up the ingredients that I ordered for my coffee. Every coffee is different right? Black is self explainatory, cream only (A few pumps and get away w out stirring) but anything else…stir that shit!! When friends come over for coffee…I make it how they prefer it…and I stir! It’s the right thing to do. Just do it lol

    • Dawhoda
      March 13, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      You you sound like an imbecile that is a wallaby the most likely has a black boyfriend because that’s all she can get

  • Sab
    October 18, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    #Blackcoffeematters!

    • The Philistine
      October 18, 2015 at 7:06 pm

      The cream diluted purity.

      • Wabbitt
        wabbitt
        October 18, 2015 at 10:22 pm

        The cream uses its white privilege to enforce its will on the proud black coffee.

  • BlackandWhite
    October 18, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Now Dunkin’s will make people pay more to “stir”
    All these employees will be replaced with automated machines soon anyways. Problem solved on all levels.

  • Patricia
    October 18, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    I stopped getting iced coffee at DD for this very reason. I totally agree with TB. If I really want an a iced coffee, I go to Cumbie’s.

  • Dannielle
    October 18, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Holy shit… “Turtleboy” has got to be one of the most idiotic, judgemental morons I’ve ever come across. I wish I could pick this article apart piece by piece, but I have things to do unlike this idiot who has time to bitch about his coffee not being fucking stirred. Good lord, America is seriously full of such awful people. I can’t even believe this is real, but sadly it is. Get a life people and find something worthwhile to do with your time.

    • Finnish Goalie
      October 18, 2015 at 6:35 pm

      But you got time to reply and post more than once.

      Welcome, enjoy the refreshments and please return to our little forum.

    • GoneWest
      October 19, 2015 at 6:24 am

      20 bucks says Dannielle is single, or dating someone of color for fear of being labeled a racist.

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Frank Lee
      October 19, 2015 at 1:22 pm

      “Turtleboy” has got to be one of the most idiotic, judgemental morons I’ve ever come across.

      Judgmental is as judgmental does eh Danielle?

  • Rosko98.5
    October 18, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    Hey Turtle, if you want quality coffee, come out to Southie man, we’ve got PS Deli and Sidewalk Cafe here. Where they make badass hangover removing breakfast sandwiches, they have every kind of hot and iced coffee possible, they come in “the bucket” and the girls behind the counter have those restaurant towels SPECIFICALLY TO SHAKE YOUR COFFEE WITH!!! PS Deli is so good, they opened a second store recently in Dot. Sidewalk is always line out the door on nice Sunday’s in the summer! #FriendsDontLetFriendsDrinkDunkin

  • Q-Ball
    October 18, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    I refuse to lower the bar for fear of offending someone.

  • ItsAllABadDream
    October 18, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    Yes of course most people prefer their coffee isn’t stirred because it’s “esthetically pleasing”. First off, spell aesthetically correctly. Second, that’s a BS statement. Is that person really saying the policy of Dunks is to create an artistic cup of coffee that is nice to look at and then give it to someone who is driving a car so they can stare at the beautiful coffee instead of watching the road? Talk about white privilege – “I don’t care if there are brown people suffering in the world, I want my pretty cup of coffee even if it means I hit another car!!!” But Tobie doesn’t seem to mind that. Tobie is clearly a racist.

    I get more disgusted every day by what my country is becoming.

    • Dannielle
      October 18, 2015 at 6:10 pm

      Hahahahaha. God, your comment only seals the fact that you’re a fucking moron.

      • Wabbitt
        wabbitt
        October 19, 2015 at 11:11 am

        You really shouldn’t talk about yourself like that.

  • Biff
    October 18, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Oh man the haters just dropped fluid dynamics on your ass. Separation ftw

  • Giggle Space
    October 18, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    Stirring/shaking iced coffee in a car with cloth interior? Ummm hello? This is grab and go.. not grab, sit, stir and block the drive thru..
    Or better yet, how long before a law is passed making stirring while driving a crime? Stirring takes two hands texting only one.
    I have bern there and done that at Dunkins, a napkun over the top a quick flip and shake.. done. Just easier done in the production side of the drive thru window.
    And iced coffee will not separate if left alone. The melted ice will water down the top, but that’s about it.

  • but seriously
    October 18, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    Please don’t tell me southern hospitality is about doing things for yourself when, you know, slavery

    • The Philistine
      October 18, 2015 at 10:06 pm

      No kidding, up here we just let the Irish do it.

  • Ugh
    October 18, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    I’m so
    Tired of people using the “people only make minimum wage working there” excuse. So because they’re not making more money they can do a crappy job and we should excuse it despite the fact we are paying for a service?

    • Finnish Goalie
      October 18, 2015 at 4:59 pm

      Starting rates are $11, at least at some of the ‘burb ones I’ve gone into.

      • GoneWest
        October 19, 2015 at 6:20 am

        I went into one in Wrentham the other day and they were hiring; starting wage was $13 an hour.

        • Finnish Goalie
          October 19, 2015 at 7:42 am

          For that pay, yes, I’d expect a coffee mixed when I get it. However, I have always noticed you get better service if you take the time to stand in line at the counter instead of drive-thru.

    • Dawhoda
      October 31, 2015 at 2:35 am

      Ha this IS turtle boys comment. Either that or another whiny little dude crying about his cream not evenly distributed enough to his liking. Wow man up already or start drinking tea

    • Dawhoda
      March 13, 2016 at 7:25 pm

      stop crying

  • Fire
    October 18, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    I hate 99% of people that walk the face of this earth. People love being offended. Smh

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    October 18, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    Racist against eastern Europeans.

    Who are white.

    Mind = blown.

    • Skeptical
      October 19, 2015 at 10:32 am

      Correction: The Whitest, aside from Irishmen.

  • Biff
    October 18, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    TDIL: Puerto Rico is in Eastern Europe

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