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So not long ago you may recall that this sign caused quite the stir with some stay-at-home nudnik dad with a blog:

Obviously this sign is harmless. Obviously. But when you’re a professional jagoff who gets his jollies from trying to ruin a family business, and you’re followed by other losers from around the country, you can do quite a bit of damage if you want to. So believe it or not, this fucking guy right here

was able to get his legion of genius friends to go on the Tougas Farm Yelp page and low rate the shit out of it.

Now I don’t pretend to be an apple fan at all. I think they’re pretty low on the fruit totem pole. My whole life my Ma Dukes put an apple in my lunch every day, and every day I traded it to some sucker who didn’t wanna eat his Ring Dings. See, that’s the problem when you grow up and your parents love you. They make you eat fruit. Thank God for the kids with Ring Dings whose parents didn’t care about their teeth.

I’m a plum guy all the way. If you don’t think plums are the best fruit ever made you’re insane. They’re sour, they’re easy to eat, and they’re delicious. Pears are a distant second. Then strawberries.

But none of that really matters, because the people who run Tougas Farm certainly don’t deserve to have their rating so low on Yelp because of one asshole who couldn’t get over that sign. The worst part about it was that Old Zebra Pants Jam-Jam Magoo has never been to Tougas Farm in Northboro either. And neither have the hundreds of his fellow idiots in thought from around the country.

That’s where we came in. Today, Mrs. Turtleboy and I took the good folks at Tougas Farm up on their offer to try their apples. They read the original blog about Apple Daddy and were convinced that they could change my world view of this particular fruit. I have a connection there, and I told her from the jump that most likely I wasn’t gonna like them. She insisted this would change my thought. Let’s find out.

So we got there and instantly it was a million times better than the Big E. Like, for one thing the pigs were a million times cooler. The Big E only had delicious pink pigs. This place had freak oreo pigs like this guy:

Delicious.

Oh yea, and just like the Big E, you got to stare at sheep’s butts:

But unlike the Big E this was free. You didn’t have to pay $15 to look at the asses of livestock. Anyway, the first thing I obviously wanted to see was the infamous sign. They’ve taken it down because they obviously don’t wanna deal with the bullshit. But luckily they still had it rolled up somewhere:

Stop the fight!!! My eyes can barely stand the looks of this OFFENSIVE SIGN!!! Turtleboy Junior is now asking me why I need to be accompanied by an adult. Think about Turtleboy Junior!!!

So we got a tour of the place on a state of the art wagon

As you can imagine, there was a whole bunch of apples there.

Cool.

Anyway, the good folks at Tougas Farm threw together a basket of apples for Mrs. Turtleboy and I. Once I got home I watched Notre Dame kick the shit out of Stanford. But after that I did the Tougas Farm challenge, and sampled six different kinds of apples. First of all, I had no idea that apples even came in flavors. I thought they were all just apples. Mrs. Turtelboy can’t believe I didn’t know that and wondered out loud why I don’t know shit that apparently everyone else knows. Is anyone with me, or is this common knowledge?

First up was Topaz Tart:

This was a better apple than I’m used to. It was nice and sour. My only beef with it was my biggest beef with all apples – the outer layer. And no, I’m not gonna peel the skin off the apple LIKE A SAVAGE. Is an apple a watermelon or is it a real fruit? Real fruits can be eaten as you find them. I give this apple a B-.

Next was an apple that people apparently rave about. Something called “Crimson Crisp.”

See that? This is EXACTLY the apple I grew up hating. Notice how I can’t even get one solid bite out of it because the skin was too tough to bite through. That is why the plum is the superior fruit. With a plum the skin is pretty much a part of the fruit. You bite into the skin of a plum and you’re already eating the plum itself. It wasn’t TERRIBLE though. I give this apple a C.

Next up was an apple that changed my views on apples forever – the Honeycrisp:

This apple will forever change the way I look at apples. It was borderline orgasmic. Such a gentle, soft, delicious fruit. I literally have never tasted an apple like this before and never even knew they existed. A+.

Up next was the Empire apple:

I hate when you bite into an apple and your teeth have to do so much work. That’s my beef with this apple. I feel like my mouth is getting a workout. D+.

Up next was an Asian apple called “Mutsu.”

At first I was fooled by this one. Everyone knows that green apple is the most delicious flavor of choice for dum-dums and pretty much every candy ever invented. As such the green apple SHOULD be the superior apple. That’s why this apple was a letdown. Too big. It was hard to get a good angle for the chomp. And surprisingly it didn’t have the flavor the other apples had. Which is surprising, because every other Asian food I’ve ever had has been full of flavor. I give it a C-.

Finally we had the “Jonagold.”

If you go to Tougas Farm, I would recommend not buying any of these particular apples. It didn’t taste as flavorless as the Green Asian Monster, but man was it not fun to eat it. Some of you people might like the feeling you get when you eat a fruit that makes your mouth tingle. But I’m not like you psychopaths. I just wanna enjoy my fruit. This apple was by far the hardest to eat. I think I still have apple skin in my teeth. I don’t wanna have to floss after I eat an apple. Here’s the problem I have with apples like this. Notice how the skin is almost protruding from the apple. Like it’s a completely separate but equal entity of the fruit:

These apples are the reasons I ate Ring Dings my whole life. D- apple.

So yea, if you go to Tougas Farm, load up on the Honeycrisp. It is the alpha male of the apple family. And luckily we saved the best for last – the apple donuts:

I dare you to eat just one of these bad boys. I am hiding these in a special place where Mrs. Turtleboy can’t find them. They’re all mine.

Anyway, all in all this is what I learned today:

1) There are different kinds of apples. Some of them are just like the apples I traded to my welfare friends. But others are magical apples that for whatever reason I have never had the honor of tasting before. Buy those apples and not the other ones and you will enjoy apples.

2) Apple picking is actually a good place to bring youngens like Turtleboy Junior because you get free shit. Free shit is the best. Yes, the apples cost money. But they have a killer jungle gym and free goats to look at. Compare that to the Big E where you pay money, get no apples, play on no jungle gym, and look at goats that cost you $15 to stare at.

3) The Daddy Files blogger is a giant dooshnozzle for trying to ruin this family business. They didn’t do anything wrong and they took down the sign that he never actually saw in person when he started whining about it. Instead of calling on his legion of nudniks to stop giving these people bad reviews, he writes a blog bitching about feminist pajamas.

But that’s why we exist. To expose readers to the truth through hot investigative journalism takes.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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