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So if you’re a regular reader of Turtleboy Sports you know that they’re basically obsessed with our blog. When they beat us earlier this year it was the highlight of their miserable existence. Before I wrote the blog making fun of them for rushing the court early against a team that was no longer ranked afterwards, I didn’t even know people liked this team. I just figured they were some loser school from Buffalo that wore poop colored jerseys.
Well, it turned out that there are tens of thousands of these people. The blog I wrote on them got like a million hits in 24 hours. Most of them were just nudniks claiming to represent a catholic school that liked to call me a fa**ot liberal. Then a freshman smokeshow named Hannah Gordon did an expose for their school newspaper, because obviously Turtleboy Sports is by far the biggest thing to ever happen to their terrible school.
Well, we had our reporters in Brooklyn this weekend at the Atlantic Ten Tournament, and let me tell you, it was a Bonnie infestation like you’ve never seen before. Like a plague these infrahumans made the long trip from some cow town no one’s ever heard of near Buffalo, to the beautiful beatnik capital of America – Brooklyn. The Bonnies were seeded ninth in the tournament, beat Lasalle, and then pulled the huge upset of top seeded St. Louis on Friday.
So needless to say, these animals were FIRED UP for their inevitable loss in the semifinals against eventual champion St. Joe’s. Our reporters began their adventure by jogging over to the Barclay’s Center from their hotel. Of course when they entered the lobby, this is what they discovered.
Because why WOULDN’T two balding UMass super fans/TurtleBoy Sports reporters be crushing Bud Lights at noon the day after a devastating UMass loss to George Washington?
Our reporter finally got to the Barclay’s outside the Barclay’s Center an hour before the game, to meet some actual, real, live St. Bonaventure fans in their element. Obviously he couldn’t tell them he was a reporter for TurtleBoy Sports because if you’ve ever been to the zoo before, you know that you’re never supposed to feed the animals. Instead he masqueraded as an Atlantic 10 sports journalist and our cover was kept so that we could observe this beautiful creatures in their natural environment.
What he witnessed, and what you are about to see is very disturbing. Turtleboy Sports is a family blog, and thus we frown on this sort of behavior and language. However, sometimes reality is very, very ugly, and cannot be reported in any other manner. You’ve been warned.
Here’s the first people we encountered. Pay special attention to what the lovely lady does at the 6 second mark.
That young lady’s vocabulary contains the following words: “Fuck you,” “UMass sucks,” and “Yes, yes, yes, yes.” She’d fit in well at UMass. If you were wondering why she yelled “f*** you” at the six second mark, it was because a VCU fan was minding her own business and walking by her. I’m sure this lovely lady knew that the Bonnies were playing St. Joe’s that day and not VCU, and I’m sure she actually follows college basketball.
The reporter posed the question about the possibility of seven Atlantic Ten teams getting into the tournament. The young lady seemed pretty convinced the answer was “yes.” Probably should’ve asked her to name three other teams in the conference. Could’ve been some great video.
The ringleader was clearly the kid with the USA jacket.
I’m also 100% sure that everyone in this picture is a Buffalo Bills fans. People don’t believe me when I say that Bills fans are the most offensive people on earth. This is exhibit A. These young Buffalonians are in their infant stages of hooliganism. Wait until they become full grown adults. They truly develop into a sight to see.
Unfortunately the questions about TurtleBoy Sports were cut short with the arrival of Sister Margaret, who apparently is the President of the “University.” The interview thus was ended and replaced with chants of “Sister Margaret” and hugs.
It was loud as hell in the foyer of the Barclay’s Center. Every once in a while these wild beasts just started yelling, “Bonas!!!,” “Bonnas are back baby,” “Let’s go Bonas,” and “F*** VCU,” over and over again. Here’s what it sounded like at around 12:30, an hour before tip off.
That place was jam packed by 1:00 and the noise was deafening so we went outside where some fat bastard Bona fan seemed to be itching for a foight.
Turns out he was just running around like a bowling ball trying to knock down stray pins. Evidently this is the ritual of the Bona fan. Once he was done aimlessly running around while attempting to keep control of his triple XL poop colored hooded sweatshirt, we asked him his thoughts on the game. His answer was shocking.
That’s a clown question bro. Obviously St. Bonaventure is gonna kick the shit out of VCU. Wait, who are we playing again? One thing that is definitely without question, is that that fat bastard took a monster sized Bona dump in the Barclay’s Center at halftime.
Then we had the opportunity to talk to a gaggle of young maidens who liked to make liberal use of the “f” word. These girls clearly knew a lot about college basketball and wanted to talk some serious hoops. Just kidding. They just wanted to drink beer and yell a lot. God bless America.
That girl officially won the Atlantic Ten tournament by herself. Who’s gonna win the Atlantic Ten Tournament? “F***ing winning.” Best. Answer. Ever.
By far the most knowledgeable fans we found were these three bros. They actually had heard of UMass before, and seemed to know something about it besides “F*** TurtleBoy” and “F*** UMass.”
The two teams with the biggest fan bases in Brooklyn this weekend were EASILY St. Bonaventure and VCU. Our reporter saw less than 20 St. Joe’s fans go through the gates at Barclay’s. One fan shared the same sentiment that most of us feel when he said, “I didn’t even know St. Bonaventure had fans.”
Well they do, and they’re magnificent. VCU I understand the following for. They’re a giant school. But St. Bonaventure is still a mystery to me. They’re like half the size of Lowell High School and they perpetually suck at basketball. Their claim to fame is that they’ve had five of the most corrupt congressmen in American history as alumni.
Unfortunately for Turtleboy Sports they
lost to got their ass beat by St. Joe’s, thus preventing the wild spectacle that would’ve been a VCU/St. Bonaventure final. Nevertheless, they’ve left us all with some amazing visuals that you can only see if you make a personal visit up to Buffalo to see these savages. They truly are a once in a lifetime experience. Just make sure to leave the kids at home.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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