I’m still not exactly sure what the hell happened to the New England Patriots today. Just an absolutely EMASCULATING second half. That was an offensive line that only a mother could love. My question is, where are all the Patriots fraud fans who were talking about what a genius Belichick was for getting rid of Logan Mankins for a pack of sour starburst and a draft pick that he’ll trade for two crappier draft picks? Because all I heard after that trade was how smart him and Kraft were for green lighting that genius move. The Dolphins linemen should send them a thank you card for throwing that rag-tag group of fat bastards out there to try to block them.
And please, spare me with the “Logan Mankins gave up 11 sacks last year” argument. Where the hell were all you people with that stat before the trade? Shouldn’t I have heard all you yahoos calling up talk radio demanding that we get rid of our overpriced guard who can’t protect the quarterback? Nope. Because not ONE of you thought for a second that it was in our best interests to get rid of him. We were supposed to blow our load this season. Win at all costs. Cut no corners. But then at the last second we decided we were good enough to win it all so we might as well save a couple bucks.
Because Bob Kraft’s girlfriends new set of boobs aren’t gonna pay for themselves.
But at the end of the day I’m not freaking out over this. The line can’t possibly be any worse than they were today and Cameron Wake is a pretty special player. Tom Brady can’t possibly be any worse either. His overthrow to Julian Edelman was Sanchez-esque. We’re the Patriots. We’ll be fine.
The last time we lost our first game we were all whining about letting a star player (Lawyer Milloy) go so that Bob Kraft could buy a new yacht. The last time we lost our first game it was to an inferior AFC East team. The last time we lost our first game we ended up winning the Super Bowl. No biggie.
Anyway, we watched the game with a bunch of Worcester boobs from a remote location in Tatnuck. And luckily for society, Worcester legend and Turtleboy Sports regular Jimmy “JL” Latino was there to give us hot takes throughout the entire game. If you’re new to Turtleboy Sports, JL is our official NFL insider and provides scorching hot, facializing takes on all things Patriots.
From day one JL has claimed the Pats will go 13-3. But he insists that one of the losses will come when we travel to Buffalo on Columbus Day weekend:
The Bills are going 10-6? I want what JL is smoking.
OK that explains it.
The thing about JL is that sometimes his opinions are so strong, and his takes so hot, that sometimes he can’t control himself. After explaining that Turtleboy Sports ain’t shit without him, he went on to give his thoughts on Vernon Hill Bus-Gate 2014:
“I love Worcester. But I think Worcester is the biggest piece of shit town I’ve ever lived in.” Strong JL. Strong. Sure Jimmy’s only lived in Worcester, but don’t ever let that get in the way of a good bus-gate rant my man. Gotta love the message he sent to the parents in that whole fiasco – “Get a Job.” Be careful though Jimmy. According to some commenters that makes you a “classist.”
At halftime things were looking good. Pats were up 20-10 and the one touchdown we did give up was a gift from a bad punt snap. JL had some explaining to do as to why he thought we would only win by four. And the only way to conduct a Turtleboy Sports interview involves a sleeveless balding local boob who is stuffing his face with Shaw’s brand hot dogs while asking JL questions.
Obviously we had to find out the answer to many questions that are on the minds of Patriots fans. Can the Patriots beat the Bills even if Tom Brady continues to get Buffalo prostitutes? Even though Tom Brady is your favorite player, would you hook up with Giselle while they were still married?
That’s actually a great question. Would you disrespect Tom Brady and accept Giselle if she threw herself at you? One the one hand she’s hot. On the other hand she’s married to the most important man in my life. It’s obviously worth talking about because this is something that could definitely happen to any of us on any given day. I don’t know if I could go through with it. First of all, Mrs. Turtleboy likely would frown upon that. But more importantly I don’t think I could do that to Tom Brady. He’s just done so much for me over the years that I can’t do him like that. JL doesn’t have this self control. Obviously he’s a Garopollo guy.
JL didn’t care too much for the dipshit sideline reporter either:
After the game JL went off on a rant about why he hates UMass and likes BC. Not surprisingly, just like all BC fuck boi’s, JL was wearing boat shoes:
Finally in the exit interview we got JL’s thoughts on the abortion that was the Patriots opening day. And we got JL’s thoughts on the internet rumors that Cameron Wake sent a prostitute to Tom Brady’s hotel room last night:
Of course the interview and the intellectual conversation about Michael Vick’s prostitute orgy was interrupted by some fat Worcester bastard that wanted to stuff some chips down his gullet.
So what do you think Pats fans? Is the season over? Is this the real version of the 2014 Patriots, or some unloved foster child version of them? I definitely say the latter. Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.