Turtleboy Sports NFL Power Rankings Week 13

NFL memes

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Ever since the Buffalo fiasco we’ve had to reassemble our staff and get some new contributors in here. We haven’t had the chance to do our Turtleboy Sports NFL Power Rankings since back in October, but alas we give you the long awaited return. We had three of our four sports writers this week (Myself, Arvil Russetstone, and Lenny Russel), and yesterday’s Thanksgiving games were included. Here’s how our list came out, and look how much better our’s is than ESPN’s.

1. Patriots

2. Packers

3. Cardinals

4. Eagles

T5. Broncos

T5. Seahawks 

7. Colts

8. Cowboys

9. Chiefs

10. Ravens

11. Lions

12. 49ers

13. Dolphins

14. Bengals

15. Chargers

16. Browns

17. Steelers

18. Bills

19. Texans

20. Rams


22. Bears

23. Falcons


25. Panthers

26. Giants

27. Redskins

28. Bucs

29. Titans

30. Raiders

31. Jets

32. Jaguars

Here’s why my poll was perfect and the other two voters are morons.

1 Patriots 17 Steelers
2 Packers 18 Bills
3 Cardinals 19 Texans
4 Seahawks 20 Saints
5 Eagles 21 Falcons
6 Broncos 22 Rams
7 Colts 23 Vikings
8 Ravens 24 Panthers
9 Chiefs 25 Bears
10 Dolphins 26 Giants
11 Cowboys 27 Redskins
12 Lions 28 Bucs
13 49ers 29 Titans
14 Chargers 30 Raiders
15 Browns 31 Jets
16 Bengals 32 Jaguars

I had the Miami Dolphins ranked significantly higher than everyone else. They’ve outscored their opponents by 66 points despite their 6-5 record. Compare that to the 9-2 Arizona Cardinals who have outscored their opponents by 45. All five of Miami’s losses have come to teams with winning records (Chiefs, Bills, Broncos, Lions, Packers). They destroyed the San Diego Chargers a couple weeks back (37-0) and they did beat the New England Patriots. 

I have the Dallas Cowboys ranked much lower than everyone else. It boggles my mind that people still think this team doesn’t suck. Don’t let the 8-4 record fool you, this team is an abortion waiting to happen. They’ve beaten exactly ONE team with a winning record this year (Seattle Seahawks). Take a look at their last five games in which they’ve gone 2-3. They’ve beaten the Jacksonville Jaguars and New York Giants, and gotten annihilated by the Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and Arizona Cardinals. Mark my word – Dallas will finish 10-6 and miss the playoffs.

I think the Chicago Bears are a disgrace to civilized society. I said it at the beginning of the year when some idiot tried telling me that Jay Cutler would be the MVP, that you can’t win shit with a professional a-hole like Jay Cutler as your quarterback. That guy just oozes dooshnozzelry. The Bears aren’t just losing since beating the New York Jets in Week 3, they’re getting humiliated. In their last four losses they’ve been outscored by 89 points!! Embarrassing.

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Arvil Russetstone

1 Patriots 17 Dolphins
2 Packers 18 Bills
3 Cardinals 19 Bears
4 Eagles 20 Rams
5 Seahawks 21 Texans
6 Broncos 22 Falcons
7 Colts 23 Saints
8 Cowboys 24 Vikings
9 Bengals 25 Panthers
10 Ravens 26 Giants
11 Chiefs 27 Redskins
12 49ers 28 Bucs
13 Lions 29 Titans
14 Steelers 30 Raiders
15 Browns 31 Jets
16 Chargers 32 Jaguars

Generally we agree on a lot of these teams. I mean, how can you not have the Oakland Raiders, New York Jets, and Jacksonville Jaguars in the bottom three? St. John’s Prep could give those teams a good game.

But the two I have a problem with in this idiot’s poll are both in the AFC North. That division is the biggest fraud division in football. They get to play the NFC South this year, which might be the worst division in the history of the NFL. So it’s not surprising he’s overrated the 7-3-1 Cincinnati Bengals. They’ve gone 3-0-1 against the craptacular NFC South. Those wins don’t count. Their only two real wins have been against the Baltimore Ravens, and at the end of the day they’re coached by a lame duck proven loser and quarterbacked by a satanic ginger.

He’s also completely overrated the Pittsburgh Steelers. All you need to know about them you’ve seen in their last two games – a nailbiter win over the hapless Tennessee Titans and a loss to the God damn Jets. Their wins against the Ravens and Indianapolis Colts are good, but this team is just way too inconsistent to be taken seriously.

Pittsburgh Steelers memes

Lenny Russel

1 Patriots 17 Bengals
2 Packers 18 Bills
3 Broncos 19 Rams
4 Cardinals 20 Texans
5 Eagles 21 Bears
6 Seahawks 22 Saints
7 Cowboys 23 Falcons
8 Chiefs 24 Giants
9 Colts 25 Panthers
10 Lions 26 Vikings
11 Ravens 27 Bucs
12 49ers 28 Redskins
13 Dolphins 29 Titans
14 Chargers 30 Raiders
15 Browns 31 Jaguars
16 Steelers 32 Jets

There’s not too much to bitch about here. I think my boy Lenny here has always overrated the Denver Broncos though. Don’t be fooled by the name and the mystique – they’re not that good. As you saw yesterday, the Philadelphia Eagles are a much better team than they are right now. The Seahawks would absolutely annihilate them. And at the end of the day they’re still quarterbacked by Peyton Manning so they have no shot at winning shit.

Besides that here’s a couple more NFL thoughts:

  • I’m glad to see the Patriots back where they belong as the unanimous #1 team. Kind of not even debatable at this point.
  • A lot of people are complaining that an NFC South team is going to get a home playoff game. Tough shit. Win your division and you won’t have to play in Atlanta or New Orleans.
  • The Cardinals, Packers, Eagles, and someone in the NFC South will make the playoffs. That leaves two spots for four of the following teams: Lions, Cowboys, Seahawks, 49ers. The thought of Seattle or San Francisco not being in the playoffs at the beginning of the season was inconceivable. But Detroit still has the Vikings, Bucs, and Bears left on their schedule. I’m predicting right now that they get in along with the Seahawks.
  • The Patriots, Broncos, and Colts are all gonna be in the playoffs. That leaves three spots from the following eight teams: Chiefs, Chargers, Bills, Dolphins, Steelers, Bengals, Browns, Ravens. Talk about a cluster fuck. I would love nothing more than seeing the Bills and Browns somehow find a way to get in, but Buffalo still has games against the Patriots, Broncos, and Packers, so that’s out of the question. It would be awesome to see those two miserable franchises and their even more miserable fans get to watch a losing playoff game, but there is a God so that can never, ever happen.

Buffalo Bills memes

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Comment(s)
    November 29, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Correct me if I am wrong but I believe the AFC playoff picture, as it stands right now, is exactly the same as it was last year. only difference being Denver and New England swapped seeds

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