Turtleboy’s New Hero: Cow Runs Away From Slaughterhouse, Gores Woman, Runs To Oktoberfest

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MAINZ, Germany – A cow escaped from a slaughterhouse and headed for the grounds of Munich’s Oktoberfest Tuesday, triggering a high-speed police pursuit. The bovine, which fled after a worker mistakenly left a gate open, ran through the southern German city. A 28-year old woman who was out jogging was injured by the cow. “The animal stabbed its horns into the woman’s back, who had to be brought to a hospital with massive injuries,” police spokesman Carsten Neubert told NBC News.

The 1,200-pound animal ran toward the Oktoberfest field where workers were setting up tents for the beer festival, which is due to begin in two weeks. “The cow then tried to attack another person and was luckily blocked by a police vehicle, which eventually got damaged by the impact,” Neubert said. Because the cow could not be subdued, officers eventually had to kill it with two shots from a rifle. Officials at the slaughterhouse confirmed that the meat would be disposed of and would not end up on Oktoberfest’s grills.


How am I just hearing about this story now? This story of wild, untamed bovine independence might be one of the most inspiring stories I’ve ever heard. Do you understand what a legend this cow is gonna be in slaughterhouses for years to come? Right before they become delicious cheeseburgers they’re all gonna tell each other stories about the legendary cow that made a break for it. And to top it off, this cow was smart enough to run directly towards Oktboerfest. Because if you’re gonna get slaughtered, you might as well be drunk.

And how’d you like to be that jogger? Here you are going out for a little exercise, minding your own business, and – WHAM – gored by the Bonnie and Clyde of cows. The lesson here is never, ever exercise.

And what’s up with the horns? Am I missing something here? Doesn’t that make it a bull? And how come we don’t eat bulls? I bet you they taste delicious.

I must say one last thing though. It was absolutely the right move not to eat this cow. If you have what it takes to make a run for it, take out some yuppy cross fitter, and then lay siege on a cop car, then you’ve earned the right to not be Turtleboy’s dinner. God bless you renegade bovine. You are truly a man among cows.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • Fact Checker
    September 12, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Oktoberfest starts in one week.

  • Wabbitt
    September 12, 2014 at 12:22 am

    Obviously a German cow – headed straight for the beer.

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