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TurtleBoySports Presents: Cheating Your Way Onto Jeopardy Through The Online Test

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One of our goals here at TurtleBoySports is to get one of our writers on Jeopardy. Personally, I watch it every day and I can totally smoke most of the contestants on there night in and night out. I often ask myself – how the hell did these goons get on this show? I’ve tried out several times with the Jeopardy online test. It’s a series of 50 questions from 50 different categories. You get 15 seconds for each one, and they say you need to get at least 35 correct in order to get a call back for a live tryout. Two years ago I got 31 right, and last year I regressed to 27.

This year I was determined though. It’s hard to really study for this test, but generally my plan going into it was to have five opera composers, playwrights, poets, and architects written down and ready to go. They always ask about those categories and I couldn’t tell you a single thing about any of them. But on Jeopardy it’s always like the same four or five guys. I just had to be able to guess something and hope that’s what it’s like.

The more I thought about it though, and watched nudnik after nudnik get really easy questions wrong on Jeopardy, the more I realized that these mofos are cheating. There’s just no way that some of these dingleberries are getting 40 or more right out of 50. So I played honestly for the first 25 questions, then when I strted to struggle, I started to use some OTHER tactics. Here’s the video. See how many you can get right….

If you were counting on home, I got 29 right. I’ll bold the ones I got right.

#1 Started off real strong with Thurgood Marshall, but apparently

#2 was the Good Wife. Note to self: watch more terrible generic courtroom dramas for next year’s test.

#3 it turns out was Queen Victoria. It’s always Queen Victoria on Jeopardy. Anything from the 1800’s is a 50/50 shot to be her. That lady was a bad mama jamma.

#4 Washington Iriving – child’s play.

#5 Rio Grande…obviously – or as the undocumented amongst us call it “the gun lap.”

#6 Youtube – like Michael Scott, when I first found Youtube, I didn’t work for a week.

#7 Got this one wrong. Turns out the answer was aorta. That’s one of those words I’ve heard of but I only learned it to pass a test in 10th grade and then immediately went back to methodically destroying my brain cells. They love to ask questions about the heart on Jeopardy. Duly noted.

#8 Everglades National Park – because Florida is too nice to terrible of a state to have a national park that isn’t just a giant swamp in disguise. Thought I got this one wrong at first because I figured the Everglades was up near Georgia, but it turns out it’s right in the heart of Miami-Dade county. Also a great place to dump a body.

#9 Fortnight – Suck on that Trebeck. I had to be one of like 5% to get this one right. I learned this word on a 7th grade vocal test and just thought it was dominant. I use it all the time. Thanks you Mrs. Pajka.

#10 My Kingdom for a Horse. This is one of Shakespeare’s most famous lines. The Bard is a shoe in to have one question on the Jeopardy test every year. I know him pretty damn well at this point. Name any character and I can tell you the play. Banquo, Pistol, Puck, Rosaline, Orlando, you name it. I knew this was a Richard play, Just totally froze up and put Richard II. Turns out it was Richard III. Sheistbags.

tyronegetittogether

#11 Carrie Underwood – I knew this one without the unidentified female telling me. Sidenote, the song “Waiting all night for Sunday Night (football)” makes absolutely no sense. I’ve been watching football all freaking day. I haven’t been waiting for this game between the Redskins and Giants at all. Sure, I’ll put it on because it’s football, but I’ve had plenty of football all day.

#12 Captain Morgan – Although I prefer drinking Admiral Nelson rum. It’s cheaper and he’s higher in rank.

#13 I knew I had no shot at this. Turns out it was Catherine. Whenever I see Queen of France I just instinctively say Joan of Arc. I don’t know much about world history, but I know she generally stuck it to Britain on the regular.

#14 Anagrams are a she-devil. Gimme 30 seconds and I can crack it, but 15 seconds just isn’t enough time. I could’ve easily recognized “flounder” in “role fund.”

#15 Pirouette – I’m thinking they give me this one. It wasn’t perfect spelling but it was damn close. Definitely couldn’t have gotten this one right without a little assistance. Which is why I’m quite sure that every single contestant on Jeopardy had someone of the opposite gender in the room with them when they took their test.

#16 Mother’s Day – I have a bunch of Jeopardy’s DVR’d at my house. Watched one from May the other day. This same exact question was on there. Apparently they just reuse old questions. TVFU.

#17 This was the first one that truly got away. I should’ve known it was Fiddler on the Roof. I was thinning Fiddler on the Roof and put nothing FSR. I guess I thought it was older since it was based on the early 1900’s, but the use of the word “Sholem” in the clue should’ve been a dead giveaway. There’s only one thing you need to know when it comes to Jewish musicals, and that’s Fiddler on the Roof. I’ve only been forced to watch it 30 different times.

#18 Pennsylvania – The Keystone State makes great civil war volunteer brigades, but better $12 30 packs.

#19 I know my Olympics really freaking well. I know in 1936 they were at Berlin. For some reason I was just thinking Berlin, Berlin, Berlin. It has to be Berin. I added 52 years to that and got 1988, when I knew they were in Seoul. By the time I subtracted four years to 1984 and figured out the answer was Los Angeles, I had run out of time.

#20 Pterodactyl – Jeopardy needs to come with an autocorrect. I hate trying to spell words the right way. What is this two thousand ought six? There’s only one replete that flies, and that’s the dinosaur with no natural predators. Totally forgot about that silent “p” though. I’m thinking they give this one to me because on the game show I wouldn’t have to know how to spell it.

poop

#21 Disgraceful job on this one. Should’ve realized the answer was the Chunnel, since I’ve ridden on that contraption before. With a fancy pants British name like Folkstone, it should’ve been a dead giveaway. Canal? Take a lot turtle boy.

#22 This is the second one that got away. The correct answer was “lingo.” The whole 15 seconds I was trying to think of a word that starts in “O”. By the time I realized it ended in O, it was too late.

#23 Terry freaking McMillan. I knew this one too. I swear to God, this is one of those weird things I knew. Terry McMillan wrote all types of stories geared towards lonely menopausal black women. And they all had crazy twists and turns. Like for instance, I KNEW Stella would get her groove back, BUT I didn’t know HOW she would. That’s three that got away thus far. McNeely? Unless she got her ass beat by Mike Tyson after he got out of prison, I don’t think that’s the same person.

#24 Baltimore Sun  – The Wire. Season Five. David Simon spent an entire season getting revenge on one of his former bosses by shitting all over Baltimore’s newspaper.

#25 Some you have no shot at getting. This was one of them. The correct answer was “First Triumverate.” Never heard of it.

It was clear at this point, halfway, that I was starting to struggle. After getting 8 of the first 12, I had only gotten 13 out of the first 25. If I wanted to get 35 right, I had to start using new strategies. Mainly google.

#26 Copper – I know a lot of my chemical symbols, and might’ve been able to get this one with more time. But the clock is ticking and the google machine is right there.

#27 Penguins – Honestly, I don’t know if I want to meet the psychopath that knows that an adelie is a type of penguin that builds it’s nest from pebbles. Thank you google.

#28 I want to punch myself in the face for getting this one wrong. This is what you call karma. If I wasn’t busy trying to cheat I would’ve instinctively said BYU. It’s the only thing Utah is known for. Mormons. By the time Brigham Young came up on the google machine the 15 seconds was up.

#29 Jonathan Swift – I knew this guy wrote 

Gulliver’s Travels

, but I assumed he was one of those J.D. Salinger one trick ponies. Google has now given me a +2 bump.

#30 Rihanna – I didn’t need to cheat on this one, but I did anyway. There’s a lot of people that can’t understand why Chris Brown did what he did. But after hearing this song, the pieces of the puzzle start coming together.

images-248

#31 This is fifth freaking one that got away. I said the word “Pentagon” with 13 seconds left on the clock. For whatever reason I never typed it. Rookie move bro. Rookie move. Too much time cheating. The google bump goes back to +2.

#32 I have no idea what 

Ender’s Game 

is, but it sounds pretty terrible.

#33 Tripoli – There’s one reason I knew this, and that’s because they used to make us sing the Marine Corps song back in fourth grade. “From the hall of montezumah to the shores of Tripoli…” Come to think of it, they were just cultivating us to fight their next war weren’t they? Damn you military-industrial complex!!!

#34 Perjury – Honestly, who hasn’t committed perjury?

#35 Exodus – Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Duuuuuuuuuueeeeeteronomy. Don’t ask me why I know that, but I do. Piece of cake.

#36 Battle of Hastings – If you’re counting at home that’s three world history questions now. How is anyone supposed to know the history of the whole world? You know how big our freaking world is? Or how old it is? How are we all supposed to know about some random battle in 1066? The google advantage bumps up to +3.

#37 I still have no idea what the answer to this question is. On a side note, poetry is completely pointless. If you wanna say something in print, then just write it down. There is absolutely no reason to put it into iambic pentameter. The only purpose of poetry is to write hilarious limericks that make fun of men who are no longer attracted to their wives after she popped out a litter of Irish children.

#38 Charles Darwin – No google required. This antichrist bastard is the downfall of our society. Here we all were going about our lives, fearing God’s wrath and stoning adulterers, when this guy comes along with this zany “evolution” talk. Next thing you the 

Jersey Shore 

is a hit TV show. I rest my case.

#39 I’m not saying that I would’ve guessed that this was Atlanta, but what’s the first southern state capital that pops into your mind? Tallahassee? Columiba? Jackson? Nope. Good ol’ Atlanta. The only city in the South that used to matter before we burned that joint to the ground in 1864. They screwed me up with Phoenix. This question was google proof. You google “southern state capital phoenix” and you’re gonna get a bunch of crap about the Grand Canyon.

#40 This was probably the easiest question on the entire test, and I got it wrong. I knew the book was Green Eggs and Ham, but didn’t read it closely enough. I totally over thought this one and put the main character instead of the book. My third grade self is bullying me in my nightmares with the neighborhood kids.

donkey-punch-on-jeopardy

#41  I realized that goggling this one was a waste of time. I had a 1 in 50 shot at guessing. In fairness I wouldn’t have guessed the correct answer of Alaska. But that desert sounds pretty fattening, so I probably would’ve said Texas. I assume they just throw ice cream on everything down there.

#42 Athena – Dominant. I played a sporcle game 15 minutes before the test on greek and roman gods. Had no idea she was the God of War until I did this. On another note, what were people smoking back then where they believed Gods just grew out the heads of other God’s. Nowadays we call those extensions. And if she was born dressed in armor, then where did she take her dumps? That’s pretty nasty.

#43 NCIS – I don’t know the differences between NCIS, Law and Order, CSI, or any other crime drama. They all involve someone getting violated, questioning a bunch of uncooperative witnesses who you initially think are the bad guys, and then the stunning moment when you find out that it was the cooperative witness the entire time.

#44 James Fennimore Cooper – Another one I have to thank sporcle for. I know who wrote pretty much every important novel ever written because of sprocle. And Daniel Day Lewis killed it as usual in the movie.

#45 Dog star? You Sirius bro? No siriusly. That’s the answer. No way would I have the ability to answer this one on my own or look it up in the 15 seconds either.

#46 Stalin – Second easiest question on the test. Clown question bro. Clown question.

#47 Intel – As Alec Baldwin said in 

The Departed: 

 “Our target: microprocessors. Yes, those. I don’t know what they are, you don’t know what they are, who gives a f***?” I have no idea what a microprocessor is or does, but I know it involves computers, and I know intel makes them, and that’s why they call it silicon valley.

#48 British Columbia – Vancouver? I spent a month there one night!!

#49 Stephanie Meyer – Saved myself from epic disaster on this one. Saw the word vampire and though Mary Shelley. Then I realized she wrote 

Frankenstein

, and I was thinking of Bram Stoker. Then I realized he was a man, and that girls nowadays love vampires. Like, every girl out there secretly wants to be winded and dined by an attractive vampire. Don’t lie girls, you know damn well it’s true, or else idiotic garbage like Meyer’s 

Twilight 

series wouldn’t sell squat.

#50 All I needed was five more seconds for this one. Before and After clues are like anagrams. You just need a little time to think. If you can figure out one half of the clue, the other just comes to you. I was trying to figure out the 80’s sportswear designer instead of being smart and starting with Ellis Island. Had I done so I would’ve realized the answer was “Perry Ellis Island.” Instead I’m thinking of Nike and Adidas Immigration Centers and other things that make absolutely no sense.

images-253

So the final net sum of the cheating is +3. They say cheaters never win, but I beg to differ. I would say cheaters win at least 75% of the time. The other 25% are just ineffective cheaters. I was one of the latter. Luckily they will be having another online test on Thursday. Now I know the tricks of the trade. You need two other people in the room with you:

1) A good woman who knows her pop culture and can work a zoom button.

2) Someone on another computer that can type fast into search engines and feed you the answers.

I don’t know if I can find an accomplice for Thursday, but if you’re interested let us know. Anything less than 40 right is a complete failure this round. Six months from now when you turn on Jeopardy and see “Turtleboy” as the seven time champion, you will know and learn the lesson: cheaters always win.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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3 Comment(s)
  • SUL
    January 9, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    I did some research and #37 appears to be Elizabeth Barrett Browning whoever the hell that is.

  • Joey G
    January 9, 2014 at 7:59 am

    I had a similar stupid moment on Rio Grande… which I rafted on last summer for Christs sake. For whatever reason James Fenimore Cooper didn’t come to me… I was so pissed about that one. Very surprised at you for BYU though… Sporcle is the life saver. That, and old episodes of Jeopardy.

  • January 9, 2014 at 7:57 am

    I’m very disappointed in you. You need to use your hot keys…”Alt Tab” goes between windows, you don’t even need a mouse. Much faster.

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