UMass Emasculates VCU, Punches Tournament Ticket Thanks To McMurphy’s Pregame Party


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I think I speak for all of UMass Nation when I say, that was freaking awesome!!!!

TurtleBoy’s Game of the Century lived up to it’s billing and then some, as the Minutemen defeated VCU last night 80-75. UMass is officially in the NCAA Tournament, and that’s just neat-o. It hasn’t really hit me yet, that there is a 100% chance that UMass gets called on selection Sunday. For them to not make the tournament at this point would require them to lose all four regular season games, two of which are against garbage opponents (URI, Duquense), and then choke in the first round of the A-10 tournament against an equally crapbag team.

That could only happen in the reign of Queen Dick (that means it’s not going to happen).

So get ready for March Madness people. UMass is officially, undeniably back, and it tastes so creamy and delicious.

At a magical place called “McMurphy’s”, UMass super fan Brian Long showed why he is the clearly the Godfather of Amherst, by organizing the pre game festivities. If you like lots of dudes in their 30’s, you would’ve LOVED yesterday afternoon. There are sausage fests, and then there are UMass pre games. Nothing compares.


Apparently they just let this guy get behind the bar and get everyone all fired up for the game. Whether it was the Go U chant….

Or the always family friendly, “F*** em up, go UMass” chant….

By the time Mrs. TurleBoy got me out of there you had a room full of rowdy drunks ready to make life miserable for Shaka Smart’s boys. We all left there with a headache. At least those of us who were standing anywhere near rival UMass Superfan Josh Brown:

On the way out we asked some UMass fans for their game predictions. First we spoke with two of the only women in the room, and we discussed all sorts of topics ranging from the game itself to rumors of venereal diseases:

You might ask, why was the guy we hired to conduct these interviews asking those sorts of questions. Well apparently VCU has infiltrated McMurphy’s, as can be seen by the writing on the bathroom door:


TurtleBoy Sports frowns upon these rumors. I don’t know how official scrollings on bathroom doors are though, as these appeared adjacent to this message:



Next up was local a local soccer hooligan:

76-72 was pretty damn close.

Then we moved on to a TurtleBoy Sports employee, with his thoughts on the game and Shaka Smart’s proclivity with the women:

82-78. Predicting the score like a champ. Whether or not the Shaka Smart sex scandal materializes is yet to be determined.

How about the Godfather himself? What was his take?

85-80. These are some of the most accurate drunken predictions in the history of mankind. After the beating UMass put on him last night, I would assume that Shaka would be getting his ass back to Richmond as quickly as possible, so it’s unlikely he stayed in a sorority house.

The Mullins Center was packed by 6:30. The student section was completely filled by 6:00.


Apparently everyone wanted their free t-shirts. VCU got a warm welcome:

UMass came out through a giant UMass banner when they entered, which was completely dominant:

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take my children to a UMass game though. It’d be hard to explain the colorful language:

The introduction of the UMass players was electric. Matty G had the crowd going all night. It literally made me feel tingly and warm inside. It felt like I was watching the 1993 Chicago Bulls get announced:

We started off in the really poopy seats. Basically we waited too long to buy tickets, and Mrs. TurtleBoy and I couldn’t find two seats together for the sellout. So, since we’re crafty Worcester folk we decided to get there early and sit in General Admission. The problem with this plan though, is that GA sucks:


Luckily we skoped out two seats at mid court, with the wine and cheese crowd:


The guy walking by in the black shirt is the New York Giants Victor Cruz. The UMass alum kept it real last night, posing for pictures with every nudnik that wanted one, and hanging out with his boy, former UMass quarterback Liam Coen. With the way Eli Manning throws the football, he probably wishes he was still in a UMass uniform.


Victor Cruz has a cannon himself. He was chucking free t-shirts into the crowd last night like he was feeding the homeless. And luckily the guy sitting next to me must’ve been taking a massive dump, because one of these fine pieces of fabric landed smack dab on his empty seat and became property of TurtleBoy Sports:


Here’s what we took out of the game itself:

  • Best game that Derek Kellogg has ever coached BY FAR. VCU led by five at halftime. The old DK loses that game by 20. Instead UMass completely outplayed VCU in the second half and won the game by five. Last year against VCU UMass held a large first half lead and ended up losing by double digits. Not so much this year.
  • The “havoc” press was pathetic. At halftime I assumed that Shaka Smart would stop bothering with it, since it obviously wasn’t even coming close to working, but they kept doing it, which gave UMass so many opportunities and 80 regulation points, for the first time in conference play this season. DK clearly had his guys ready for it, so all the credit goes to him for that one.
  • VCU came into the game averaging 12 steals per contest, while UMass came in averaging under seven. In the end UMass had 12 steals, while VCU had nine, only one or two of which came because of the “havoc.” UMass was so much more disciplined after seeing what the havoc can do last year. It’s really an easy defense to break, and it’s only going to work so many times for VCU. Even when it did work, it didn’t work, because UMass was relentless and wanted it more last night. Watch:
  • UMass won the game, while scoring 80 points, without hitting a single three point attempt. Think of how insane that is. Meanwhile, VCU was jacking up threes the entire game. The UMass half court offense was methodical and deliberate. The VCU offense was chaotic and revolved around the three point shot. Kellogg coached Smart under the table.
  • Trey Davis has arrived. Last year against VCU he was awkward and scared, often walking directly into the havoc defense. This year he looked seasoned and polished. His ball handling skills were phenomenal, and he is the best shooter on the team:
  • Chaz showed why he’s quite possibly the greatest UMass player in the post-Camby era. He made mincemeat of the havoc defense. It was almost humorous to try and watch them stop him. In the half court offense he was excellent. He got to the hoop at will, and he shot 8-8 from the charity stripe. Four of those shots came in the final 15 seconds, and he sandwiched them around his game winning steal on a possession in which VCU had a chance to tie the game.

Big ones. Chaz Williams has em. VCU doesn’t.

  • Derek Gordon was phenomenal. He shot 60% from the field, and 80% from the line. He was aggressive and got to the hoop at will. Might’ve been his best performance as a Minuteman. He wanted it bad too, since he got beat up on by VCU back in his Western Kentucky days.
  • Cady Lalanne and Tyler Bergantino continue to be the weak spots on this team. I could beat you over the head with Cady Lalanne’s body and you’d think I was starting a pillow fight – he’s that soft. Yes, he had nine rebounds, but when you actually watch him play you realize how bad he is. He simply can’t box out and has zero desire to go up and grab 50/50 balls. T-Berg is a whole lot of what he is. He’d be a really great player at Assumption College, but he’s just not a Division 1 basketball player. He missed two open dunks last night, and his only points came when a ball fell in his lap on a first half breakaway.
  • Because the center play is such a problem, UMass should switch to a three guard, two forward set. Putney is the tallest player on the team, and by far it’s best presence down low. He controls the glass much more effectively than Lalanne.

UMass is using a new slogan called P.A.I.N., which stands for pressure, agitate, interrupt, neutralize. Basically what that means is they wanted to call their defense PAIN because it sounds cool, and they came up with four words that began with those letters in order to accomplish that.

Good for them though. Calling your defense “havoc” is one of the most annoying things I’ve ever heard. What does that even mean? It’s a full court press the whole game where you try to trap players. VCU didn’t freaking invent that, but they’re acting like Shaka Smart has some sort of trademark on it. Chaz Williams put it best when he said after the game:

“We bring P.A.I.N. We don’t bring no Havoc. That’s their slogan; that’s what they do. We’re all about P.A.I.N over here.” 

So suck on THAT, VCU Ram Nation.

I will say this about VCU – every player on their team looks like an NBA player. They’re all unidentifiable 6’4″ guards, ripped and tatted out of their minds, and fast as shit. I don’t know what Shaka’s feeding them down there, but they need to start serving it in the UMass dining halls (which are apparently award winning now? Back in my day you ate your chicken cutlet, and spent the rest of the afternoon in the bathroom).

I want UMass’ path through the Atlantic 10 Championship Tournament to go in this order: St. Bonaventure, VCU, St. Louis. First we get our revenge. Then we show Shaka we own him. Then we dethrone the crown jewel of the conference. Puts us in line for a nice little four seed.

Oh yea, and Barstool Sports is finally jumping on the UMass bandwagon. We don’t want you Davey Pageviews. I hope we face your precious Michigan in the second round and take a giant Altantic 10 dump on their face.

Go U!!!

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8 Comment(s)
  • Ted
    February 26, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    UMass has no basketball tradition and is good once every 8 years. Well, except when they had that criminal Calipari running the team. They have Marcus Camby’s number hanging from the rafters and he was a punk whose NCAA violations caused the school to rescind their only final 4 appearance. And he is a shining light of the program.

  • James
    February 23, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Dude who went on a rant…know what you are talking about before posting. Trey Davis had multiple offers and committed to GW before the coach left. He then transferred here. Your other rants are garbage too…although I semi-agree with your comments on Sampson.

  • February 22, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    The only problem with this article is that UMass is NOT officially in the NCAA tournament. Yes, they are likely candidates but stranger things have happened. They need to keep winning. This is not a team that needs to think they are going to the NCAA’s. When they think they’re great they loose. Think back several games ago. Still we all hope they keep playing like they did against VCU!

    • Blong
      February 23, 2014 at 9:48 am

      They are officially in the NCAA Tournament.

  • Debbiedowner
    February 22, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Massachusetts is a baseball state and hockey state. The UMass baseball team is awful but its collegiate baseball so nobody cares. The hockey team is an embarrassment to the university and state. That leaves us with football and basketball. the football team is also an embarassmen to the university and state. Okay, so we are down to basketball, the only thing UMass has going for us. UMass athletics fans are so fair weather, it is crazy, When UMass played LSU on ESPN for tip off weekend, the stands were empty-kids were in class. What college kid would rather be in class than to watch UMass play the SEC on ESPN? If UMass is losing by more than 3 with a minute left, half the people, giving up. Only three sell outs in what, 10 years? That is awful. What else is there to do in Amherst, see a play on broadway? Go to skyzone? No, and no. If UMass returns to an average team next year without Chaz, expect the house of PA.I.N. to dissapear. UMass has a new football coach and will play its games on campus next year-they should sell out every game in the smallest field in FBS- mcGuirk with about 19000 seats, but it wont suprise me if the stands are not full. UMass fans are very fair weather, which is odd in Massachusetts, seeing that we love our Red Sox, Bruins, Patriots, and Celtics. I am afraid the atmosphere in amherst against vcu will not be there next year.

    • February 22, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      I blame Felger. And Beetle for not using his position to promote the University as often as he should.

  • Sentinel
    February 22, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Caddy Lalane is fearless. He could get blocked eight times in a row, and put it in on the ninth. He is soft for a big man though. Putney, besides providing big dunks, is not a god enough shooter to be playing at the perimeter. Tyler Bergantino seemed to get a D1 scholarship because of white privilege-he does not belong at UMass. Trey Davis has been a pleasant suprise-it seems his only other offer was North Texas, but he is a top d1 player. Gordan is very solid, and young as well. He has mastered the running floater like Rondo. MY PROBLEM IS WITH SAMPSON CARTER. HE IS A FIFTH YEAR SENIOR. HE HAD PREP SCHOOL AND FOUR YEARS TO BE A GOOD PLAYER AND HE IS TERRIBLE. He has a d1 body, but d2 skills. HE IS TALL YET NOT EXPLOSIVE. WHEN HAS HE EVER THROWN DOWN A BIG DUNK? he constantly blows layups, MANY TIMES MISSING THE RIM ALL TOGETHER. He is a poor free throw shooter, a poor three point shooter, a poor finisher! The only reason why he is on the team is because his older brother who coaches. It is awful to see a 5th year player blowing layups. He is our weakest link. Not bergantino, not gordon, sampson. SAMPSON CARTER, THE 5TH YEAR PLAYER WHO PLAYS LIKE A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, WILL SCREW US IN THE TOURNAMENT. Also, ESHO NEEDS TO PLAY MORE. Carter plays more than Esho and that is a SIN. IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. Im sick of seeing SAMPSON CARTER JOGGING BACK ON DEFENSE, ALWAYS THE LAST ONE UP THE COURT, AFTER SHOOTING A TWO FOOTER THAN DOESNT HIT THE RIM. BENCH HIM KELLOG, JESUS CHRIST.

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