UMass’ Jonathan Quick and T.J. Oshie just ooze Americanism In Facializing Win Over Russia

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I don’t get to watch the St. Louis Blues as much as I’d like, so I don’t get to see the 100% manliness that is T.J. Oshie on a given night. The name will not live in infamy, even if this won’t last on wikipedia:


First of all, he was an obvious choice. And he sounds just like the guy who is by far the most obvious choice when choosing your character for Super Mario Kart on Super NES. You know exactly who I’m talking about…



Just an amazing, amazing win for America. The Russian team was filled with big name scorers – Kovalchuk, Malkin, Ovechkin, Datsyuk, Markov, Semin. The American team is built a lot like the Bruins. They have a couple big name scorers, (Patrick Kane, Phil Kessel), but other than that they’re filled with a bunch of blue collar, two-way players (Dustin Brown, David Backes), and the best goaltending in the world. Jonathan Quick, from THE Umass, is a man among men. Having to face Datsyuk and Kovalchuk in a shootout, over, and over, and over, and over again, is literally the stuff that goalie nightmares are made of. Big stones on this guy. Russia might’ve conquered Eastern Europe, but that’s because no one from UMass lived there. Try sending those tanks into Southwest Khrushchev – watch what happens.

The Russians are obviously whining because the potential game winning goal was negated when Quick “accidentally” nudged the goal before the puck went in. Did he do it on purpose? Who knows. The bottom line is the refs didn’t think he did. Newsflash Russia, you’re the most corrupt country in the world after Nigeria. Your head of state rigs elections and was the head of the KGB. You don’t get to complain about justice.


As far as the shootout, I don’t like it at all. Sure it helped us win the game because Oshie is a penalty shooting freak show, but I don’t wanna win like that. Play overtime until there’s a winner. Play four on four for the first five minutes. If no one scores then stop action and play three on three for five minutes. If no one scores then two on two for five minutes. After that one on one. Then after that the goalies have to beat the shit out of each other until only one man is standing. That’s how you earn a gold medal.

Next up is the powerhouse of Slovenia. They basically have one guy you should know – Anze Kopitar, Quick and Brown’s teammate in the hockey mecca of Los Angeles. The only question is which goalie gets to play? If the Americans win then they get a bye, and they really should win no matter who is in net. I like giving Quick a night off, and letting Ryan Miller do his thing for a night. If you can’t beat Slovenia then you are a disgrace. Don’t disgrace America Ryan Miller.

Go USA!!! Go Oshie.

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1 Comment(s)
  • Joey G
    February 16, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Can I offer some suggestions for the remainder of the Olympics/time this blog is in existence?

    Can we call Russia the USSR, say that Sochi is in the USSR, and call Putin the General Secretary of the Communist Party? We know this to be the case anyway, so why should we continue to fabricate things?

    Also, can we make more references to Mike Eruzione’s goal/career built off of that goal?

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