Hoodrat Heroes

Upping The Internet Panhandling Game: Sleazy Skankatron Needs $500 For “Life Or Death” Situation She Cannot Disclose Because It Obviously Does Not Exist

The internet is rife with bullshit sob-story fundraisers created by lazy, entitled slags. There is a preternatural abundance of victims of terrible circumstance that defy basic logic, but Jelly Medrano has upped the bullshit bar substantially with this piece of implausible hot garbage:

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Bold move. Doesn’t look like it’s paying off.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not fluent in ratchetnese, so I did have to look up the word “murk”. Apparently the definition is (according to Urban Dictionary):

To physically beat someone so severely, they end up dying from their injuries. To beat the living shit outta someone. To seriously whoop somebodys ass.
He said he could see me with the hands, but I clearly murked that motherfucker.”
So apparently this skanktron needs $500 immediately, or she’s going to get taken out like a bag of trash. Seems legit.
What could she possibly need that money for? Ransom to the nicest kidnappers ever, who still let you on social media to post fundraisers and dirty mirror selfies? Does she owe her drug dealer? Her pimp? Is her landlord going to skip over eviction and just bury her under the front porch if she doesn’t pay up? Does she need more Henny??
That’s a big claim with scarce details, coming from a small mind, homegirl.  It really feels like you didn’t think this one through all that well. If it’s a joke, its not even mildly amusing and no one is going to donate to it ironically. If you’re trying to be serious….just don’t. Don’t. You sit on a throne of lies.

Jelly presents herself as an actress/model, but this fundraiser determined that to be a lie as well, because a bitch can’t even pay her own ransom money.

But I guess when your version of a “photoshoot” is a selfie taken in the mirror of a Merrimack Valley Best Western motel,

there’s not a lot in the budget to pay your way out of some nondescript life-threatening emergency. She obviously can’t tell you any details, because it’s life or death. But you should totally believe her, because she put it on the internet, and everything on the internet is true.

She’s really committing to this story, too.
Considering her fundraiser was put up a couple days ago, she may already be dead by now! And here we all are, just reading her post, exactly like she predicted. Holy shit, check out Fauxstradomus and her self-fulfilling prophecies! Too bad she couldn’t gaze into the future and see where she could have reasonably come up with a few hundred bucks real quick…
 
That’s only like, 25 swords to swallow to save your own life, home girl. I believe you could get that done in a day or two if you really tried.  This plot isn’t working, it was never going to work. These lazy gutterslug internet panhandlers aren’t even trying anymore, and it’s nauseating.
Anyway, if someone knows the details of the mortal danger this foodstampotomus has allegedly gotten herself in to, could you let us know? Or even better, Jelly, if you’re still alive despite being $495 short of the $500 you needed to prevent the imminent murking, would you please come on the live show to discuss this with us? I feel like you have some explaining to do.
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31 Comment(s)
  • hot dog
    May 14, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    Id donate a sawbuck to drop a load in her. Those wide breeding hips make me wary though, definitely gotta come prepared with the plan b

    • Judge dread
      May 14, 2019 at 9:40 pm

      She has a rewards card at the local planned parenthood, so no need to spend any of your own money on plan b.

  • TheCureForHope
    May 14, 2019 at 11:03 am

    So, it’s been 24 hours….

    Anyone know if she is alive or dead?

  • Tastycakes
    May 14, 2019 at 9:37 am

    She should charge $20 per hole. Be paid off in no time!

  • John Q Public
    May 14, 2019 at 7:45 am

    Guess she’s “murked” – the gfm is gone.

    • Captain Trips
      May 14, 2019 at 8:54 am

      Let’s hope

  • Well, No Shit
    May 14, 2019 at 7:05 am

    Ok. Here’s the $500 question;

    It’s been a few days since her GoFuckMe was set up. Did she get “murked?”

  • PhilSimmsSucks
    May 14, 2019 at 6:22 am

    That moose knuckle looks like a giant, filthy 2-pack of Twinkies

  • Phat Bitch
    May 13, 2019 at 9:36 pm

    Who told these women that fat asses are sexy? There’s a difference between an ass that’s big and “in shape” and the fucking bag of wet rags she’s displaying. C’mon, get it together. And she needs to start wearing a bra cuz, for a young girl, her tits are already waaaaay flatter than they should be.

    • Well, No Shit
      May 14, 2019 at 5:48 am

      You’re right. Those nasty flapjacks hanging off her chest look like eggs in socks.

      Yuck!

  • Sulfer Powder
    May 13, 2019 at 9:00 pm

    Yikes! What an ass! It’s dirty, it’s huge, and it’s well used. Gross in every way. I bet her farts stink like sausage

  • Asking For A Friend
    May 13, 2019 at 7:53 pm

    Where do I donate…for the hit. Wow ghettolicious. That’s one sturdy girl, she’s built like an Egyptian pyramid, wide stable bottom and sloping sides. Jelly could always make some money by being the ballast for a supertanker ship.

    • z
      May 14, 2019 at 7:10 am

      Was thinking the same thing.

      “Donate $500 and I’ll beat the snot out of Jelly. If I reach my goal I’ll stick a video on World Star”.
      That’s a GFM I could get behind.

  • Said Everyone
    May 13, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    I don’t know which is worse, social media or the picture of that giant dirty ass

  • JoeMomma
    May 13, 2019 at 7:20 pm

    Does the Grim Reaper have a Go Fund Me? I’ll throw in some cash if it will move her up on the list.

  • Liawatha
    May 13, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    I stand with Jelly. She can’t even tell us if it’s the patriarchy, racists cops, or an evil white man that’s shaking her down. The situation is that dire!

  • skank patrol
    May 13, 2019 at 6:53 pm

    pig vomit

  • CrispyC
    May 13, 2019 at 6:17 pm

    Fucking shit, how did she even pull those goddamn jeans on.

  • Captain Quint
    May 13, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    The taxidermy man’s gonna have a heart attack when he sees what I brought em!

    • Said Everyone
      May 13, 2019 at 7:49 pm

      Great Jaws quote. Well done

  • Captain Trips
    May 13, 2019 at 6:04 pm

    Holy sheeeit! Her camel toe resembles the Panama Canal!

  • Robin
    May 13, 2019 at 5:31 pm

    Holy Thunder Thighs, Batman! That’s a main-sail’s worth of denim clutching the femur flesh below the clothesline!

    Duck lips, selfies, cleavage, Hennessy. All that’s need for all that Jelly is a few loaves of bread.

    • Batman
      May 13, 2019 at 6:03 pm

      We may need a bigger Batboat for this fish Robin

  • Kirk Minihane
    May 13, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    Would. She’s half the size and twice as pretty as Bristol, though Bristol and her daughters can really work a dick.

  • Dirty deeds done dirt cheap....
    May 13, 2019 at 3:47 pm

    sorry no discounts here

  • Let me up, I've had enough
    May 13, 2019 at 3:01 pm

    The moose knuckle is strong with this one.

  • Mr. Wood
    May 13, 2019 at 2:44 pm

    Ummmm….not sure I would. Who am I kidding. Would!!!

    • Captain Trips
      May 13, 2019 at 6:05 pm

      Thou may want to slather your wood with creosote prior, Mr. Wood!

  • P.O. Ashley Loosesloppyhole
    May 13, 2019 at 2:43 pm

    Oh she seems nice.

  • Sam's Club Warehouse Worker
    May 13, 2019 at 2:35 pm

    Her ass looks like a cardboard box for a flat screen TV.

  • Well, No Shit
    May 13, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    Fucking “murked.”

    Just die, bitch. No one gives a shit about you, or your fucking self-made problems.

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