USA Coach Jurgen Klinsmann Says Don’t Bother Watching World Cup, Because We Suck

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


At the start of an excellent piece on U.S. manager Jurgen Klinsmann in the New York Times by Sam Borden, the German is quoted as stating what most people accept to be an absolute truth:

“We cannot win this World Cup, because we are not at that level yet,” Klinsmann told me over lunch in December. “For us, we have to play the game of our lives seven times to win the tournament.”

He leaned back in his chair on the terrace at a Newport Beach restaurant, not far from where he lives in Southern California. Then he shrugged and said, “Realistically, it is not possible.”


See that right there? That’s why we only watch soccer once every four years in this country. Because in America we don’t accept bullshit like this. What kind of loser is Jurgen Klinsmann? Seriously, I don’t give a shit if it’s true, you just don’t say that in America. Especially if you wear skinny jeans and have a foreign accent.

Look in America, we don’t go into shit with any thought in mind except first place. Imagine Franklin Roosevelt said, “Man, those Japs and Nazis sure are powerful – it’s just not realistic to kick their pansy asses right now.” 

Nope. You can’t even BEGIN to imagine him saying that because that’s not what Americans do. That’s what Europeans do who aren’t Winston Churchill. You wanna give up and surrender? Move to France. You’ll fit right in there.

I don’t pretend to know anything about soccer. I watch pretty much every World Cup game every 4 years because it’s on at a time when nothing else is worth watching. I usually find a million reasons not to watch it for another four years. Ties, arbitrary “added time,” flopping, guys with one name. It’s only something I can stomach when national pride is on the line.

And soccer people are the worst. Was talking to a soccer buddy today, and he told me that Klinsmann was right. Fuck that. It’s fucking soccer. You score one goal and you win. Period. All it takes is one breakaway, one fuck up, one bad call by an official, and boom – America wins.


Look, like I said I could name about three guys on this team. But I was watching a special on them, and there are like two or three guys tops that actually sound like they’re from America. How can you not be confident after seeing that? The last thing I want is a bunch of white guys who played on traveling teams their parents paid for them to be on to do battle in Brazil. I want kids who grew up in post-communism. I want kids who played barefoot on rocky fields. I want men with funny accents who are here to pilfer our women before eventually returning home.

The US is currently 25/1 odds to win the whole shebang. You know who had much worse odds than that? UConn basketball. If it’s out of the question that American can win it all then it definitively proves that soccer sucks. Fact, not opinion.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Vote



Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook

Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.



4 Comment(s)
  • Peido
    July 12, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    YES you sucks

  • Tham
    June 27, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    He left behind all his good goalscorers – like Terrence Boyd and Eddie Johnson. And Landon Donovan as well.

    Keeps fielding the wrong players even when it is plain they
    cannot perform – like Michael Bradley and Graham Zusi.

  • JW
    June 20, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    I cannot believe these clowns even talk about soccer… what a fucking joke… next….

  • Joey G
    June 11, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Can we expect a World Cup gambling blog???

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