USMNT Achieved Absolutely Nothing At World Cup, And We’ll Go Right Back To Ignoring Soccer For Four Years

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


After team USA got their ass kicked today against Belgium in the first round of the World Cup tournament Alexi Lallas and every other jingo maniac was ogling them for their effort. Hey losers, you know who’s always whining about their best? Losers. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. That’s us. We’re the prom queen.

The bottom line is that this World Cup was a borderline epic disaster for USMNT. For all the talk about “Group of Death” our Group was three joke teams and Germany. We went 1-2-1  and our only win was against Ghana – a country that has to borrow electricity from the Ivory Coast. We CHOKED against Portugal, got demolished by Germany and facialized by Belgium.

Guess what? The Ghana win doesn’t count because Ghana was a fucking joke. They suspended their two best players the day before they played Portugal because they beat the shit out of the coaching staff and trashed a hotel room. The whole team almost boycotted the World Cup until the government literally flew $3 million in cash to Brazil. Beating Ghana means absolutely nothing.


Portugal sucked too. It was Ronaldo, Naniburger, and a bunch of schmucks out there. Their other decent player was suspended on account of being an asshole. The fact that we gave them the game in the final 30 seconds instead of crushing their dreams is an embarrassment. This is a team that Germany beat 4-0.

Germany beat us 1-0 because they didn’t care. It was also raining cats and dogs. They could’ve beaten us 4-0 with their eyes closed.

Please stop telling me how great our effort was against Belgium. They outshot us 38-14. Belgium should’ve won that game 100-1. The fact that we were in it until the end was nothing less than a miracle. Those teams weren’t fair. Slaughter bro. Every guy on that team was faster, taller, and more skilled than their American counterpart. Every single jump ball went to Belgium because they were taller and somehow more athletic than America.

And Jurgen Klinsmann completely screwed over America by keeping Landon Donovan off this team. He picked some Norwegian nobody over Donovan in order to show the media that he runs shit on USMNT. And why didn’t he play Julian Green all tournament? Dude played for five seconds and scored a goal. And Zusi? That guy blows. I’m good if I never see him again. Plus he wears a pony tail and he sucks. If you wear a pony tail or have dread locks then you better be the best players on the team.

Landon Donovan Rocky Balboa

But hey, this is what happens when you dominate the world in every other sport. If you’re tall in America you play basketball. Ideally the USMNT would have Kobe Bryant, John Wall, and Rajon Rondo playing forwards. But they don’t. So we make do with what’s left over. This is as far as America will ever get as long as this is the case.

So now we just go back to ignoring soccer right? I’m listening to jamokes on the radio tell me that Americans will keep talking about soccer now that team USA tried their best in the World Cup. No fucking way. Know why? Because soccer is set up moronically. Nothing against the game itself, but the league situation is no good.

Look, there should be one league for winners, and other leagues for losers. Until MLS becomes the winner league soccer will never, ever be popular in America. The English Premiere League is the best in the world. Who the fuck am I supposed to root for in the EPL? I have zero connection to any of those teams. I root for the Red Sox, Bruins, Patriots, and Celtics largely because of geography. They’re the closest teams. How am I supposed to get invested in some team who plays in a city I’ve never been to, in a time zone that forces me to watch games at noon on Tuesdays?


I know MLS has been improving and most of the players on USMNT play in the MLS now. But Ronaldo, Messi, Suarez, James Rodriguez, and all those guys on Belgium aren’t playing in the MLS. You know who is? Chris Wondolowski. The guy who missed the point blank shot in front of the net. It was like he was taking pointers from Milan Lucic. You know who doesn’t play in MLS? Julian Green. The guy who scored that amazing goal, and for whatever reason didn’t get on the field all World Cup until then.

Once the best players in the world all play in MLS, then I’ll get invested. But I’m not gonna go watch a bunch of second rate players play a second rate game. If I wanted to do that I’d go to Pawtucket and watch Ryan Lavarnway.

I know people pack the Seattle, Kansas City, and Columbus games. That’s because those cities have nothing else going on right now. Seattle and Kansas City have two teams, and Columbus has one. MLS can’t possibly thrive in a market that has four teams, and those are the real markets.

But America does have potential for soccer for one reason and one reason alone. Cash money. We have Jay-Z and England doesn’t. We have people who have way too much money and will spend it on the best players in the world and the best infrastructure to accommodate them. Either that or blow it all on strippers and cocaine. Either way American wins.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.












4 Comment(s)
  • Duke of earl
    July 2, 2014 at 4:40 am

    What you have said here is the most ridiculous load of rubbish I’ve ever seen. It’s not the USA team that is the problem it’s the u.s fans. You haven’t got a clue what you are talking about and need to catch up fast because your national team is leaving you behind as they go forward into football. Every time you play in a major tournament you seem to get better and I am confident you will within the next two world cups become and established serious contender. But this isn’t one of your home grown all american hero sports that only you play this is football and the whole world has been taking it this seriously a lot longer than you have. Football has it’s ups and downs for every country and always will so get used to it. And for fuck sake stop calling it soccer.

    • Wabbitt
      July 2, 2014 at 7:35 pm

      Hey, Douche of Earl – we’ve “gotten better” in every World Cup since our return to the world stage in 1990. Every four years the ESPN hype machine goes into high gear, whips the pink hats into a frenzy, then goes right back to tongue bathing LeBron’s nut sack as soon as the USMNT gets inevitably knocked out of the tournament.

      Dude – we don’t fucking play soccer here. We also don’t play cricket or rugby, but for some reason soccer has some insane mass appeal pretty much everywhere but here and Canada. But the media tries to force feed it to us every time the World Cup rolls around.

      I pretended to give a shit back in 1994 when we hosted the damn thing. But since then it’s been a giant “Who the Hell cares?”

      • Tim
        July 6, 2014 at 11:19 am

        People do care in America look at the ratings for this world cup and the previous ones you and the writer are fucking idiots who don’t know what the fuck your talking about, you might not care but your only one fucken person, soccer is getting bigger in the US deal with it idiot!

        • Wabbitt
          July 8, 2014 at 8:38 pm

          You know when soccer gets ratings? Every four years. During the World Cup. The rest of the time you can’t even find a soccer game on television because a Ron Popeil infomercial gets higher ratings.

          People watch the World Cup for the same reason people want to know everything about Kim Kardashian – because it’s over-hyped bullshit shoved down our throats whether we want it or not. It’s the Honey Boo Boo of sports.

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