Sports

Vikings Fans Defending Adrian Peterson For “Spanking” His Son Proves That Patriots Fans Are The Only Rational Fans In NFL

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MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) – A grand jury has indicted Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson with reckless or negligent injury to a child, WCCO has confirmed through multiple sources. Sports Radio 610 in Houston obtained a draft of the police report which says Peterson admitted that he did, in his words, “whoop” one of his children last May while the boy was visiting him in Houston. When the 4-year-old boy returned to Minnesota, his mother took him to a doctor. The police report said the boy told the doctor Peterson had hit him with a branch from a tree. The doctor told investigators that the boy had a number of lacerations on his thighs, along with bruise-like marks on his lower back and buttocks and cuts on his hand. The police report says the doctor described some of the marks as open wounds and termed it “child abuse.” Another examiner agreed, calling the cuts “extensive.”

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I didn’t know much about Adrian Peterson until today. But I should’ve figured that he was a giant asshole. You know, because he plays in the NFL. Apparently EVERYONE in the NFL is a giant asshole. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll wake up and find out that Darrell Revis sold poisoned milk to school children. At this point nothing would surprise me.

You know what the worst part about this is? Peterson sees nothing wrong with it. Here’s what he put on Twitter:

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Man, he’s fucking deep isn’t he? Because when you beat the shit out of your kid with a God damn switch, the first thing you should always do is get all biblical. Because everyone knows God is a big fan of beating the shit out of four year olds.

This is a million times worse than what happened with Ray Rice. As bad as what he did was, at least you can look at it and say, “they were drunk, it escalated, and in the heat of the moment he fucked up.” How do you explain beating the shit out of your kid with a switch while you’re sober?

The only reason it’s not gonna get nearly as much attention is because there’s no tape of it. Imagine watching a gigantic, muscle bound, grown-ass man whip the shit out of a kid. That’s what happened here. Whatever Ray Rice’s punishment is, multiple that by three and that’s what AP should get.

And you know what makes him even more of an asshole? He’s barely this kid’s father. The kid was visiting for the weekend. He flew in. I don’t give a shit – when you’re a non-custodial parent, you don’t hit your kid. Only live-in parents get to do that. Because if you’re a weekend dad who hardly ever gets to see your kids, then you enjoy every waking moment you can with them. You’re fucking weekend dad. You get to be the fun one. Mom has to do all the work. Mom has to be the bad guy. It’s a great situation if you don’t wanna be bothered by your stupid kids all year round.

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But AP couldn’t handle this. He had to show his four year old son, who he barely knows, who the mother fucking boss is. Apparently the kid pushed his other kid that he never sees off of some type of go kart. So logically he had to go and grab a stick to teach the kid a lesson. Because in case you didn’t realize, it’s 17 fucking 75. Pretty sure this same exact thing happened to Andrew Jackson when he got lippy with some red coats. Way to keep it real AP.

And for the love of God, please spare the BS about how you got spanked until the cows came home when you were a kid and how much good it did you. So did I. But I never got my ass beat with a switch when I was four. I was told I would be spanked until my “po-po was red.” Of course I had to take their word for it because I couldn’t actually see what color my own butt was. So a couple of little whacks to the flabby part of the ass did the trick usually. No bruises, no scars.

Meanwhile this is what happened to AP’s kid:

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And according to the kid this is how it went down:

He had a slightly different story, telling authorities that “Daddy Peterson hit me on my face.” The child also expressed worry that Peterson would punch him in the face if the child reported the incident to authorities. He also said that he had been hit by a belt and that “there are a lot of belts in Daddy’s closet.” He added that Peterson put leaves in his mouth when he was being hit with the switch while his pants were down. The child told his mother that Peterson “likes belts and switches” and “has a whooping room.”

What exactly was he trying to do here? Discipline? Correct his behavior? Because you don’t have to punch a God damn FOUR YEAR OLD in the face and beat him with an arsenal of weapons to teach him how to act. There’s literally a million different ways to discipline your kid. This isn’t one of them. Look what moron Vikings fans are saying:

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Yea AP. They’re not going after you because you’re a despicable human being. They’re going after you because you’re an NFL star. And beating a kid with a stick is basically the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING as spanking them. No difference.

The dooshnozzle is right about one thing though – AP really does believe he was just disciplining his child, Old Testament style. And as long as you mention God after beating the shit out of your kid all is forgiven. Because that’s logical.

Then there’s his genius:

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See that? That is everything that is wrong with the NFL in a nutshell. Chick gives zero fucks that the people she roots for on Sundays are criminals. “Kudos to you Adrian.” Yea Adrian, awesome fucking job beating the shit out of your kid like that. All you “parents” who don’t have the balls to cut the shit out of your kid while he’s visiting you for the weekend are just PUSSIES!!! Murica!!

Oh yea, and how about that two year old son that he lost last year? You know, the one he didn’t even know existed until a few days before weekend Dad #2 killed him. What a great fucking Dad AP is. And how does he honor the son he never knew? By beating the shit out of the son who can actually pick him out of a crowd.

At least his peers aren’t standing up for him right? Oh wait, you mean Pro-Bowl receiver Roddy White said this?

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See, he mentioned Jesus. Therefore he’s right. Who gives a shit about child abuse when Roddy White’s fantasy team is on the line. Wait, what? Roddy White has a fucking fantasy team? LOL. Ya see that? That’s why Atlanta will never be a Super Bowl contender. Because no one on the Broncos, or the Patriots, or even Richard Sherman himself would not only have a fantasy team, but announce it to the world in a Tweet defending child abuse. Only God can judge.

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Ya know what all of this just reinforces to me? That Patriots fans are smarter than every other fan base. We’re not the loudest, and we’re definitely fair-weather. But we’re not pieces of shit. When one of our players is human garbage we don’t want them on our team. I didn’t see pages full of Pats fans supporting their All-Pro tight end after he got caught murdering half of Boston. We cut ties with Aaron Herndndez immediately. But Ravens fans, and Penn State fans, and now Vikings fans have proven that they are simply incapable of looking past football. Another reason why we are the chosen people. Jesus loves us.

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The bottom line is that if the Patriots don’t facialize this team now then they are officially the most overrated team in NFL history. I expect nothing less than a 30 point win. Go Pats!!

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4 Comment(s)
  • September 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    Would these be the same “rational” Patriots fans who were buying Aaron Hernandez jerseys for $1,000 on Ebay. Face it, assholery is universal.

  • kodell
    September 14, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Dont forget he texted the mother of the child because he felt bad taht while beating the toddler with a stick he accidently hit the kid in the testicles “while givin a whoopin”…..but yeah lets rally around this guy. Pathetic.

  • David Portnoy
    September 13, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Hey didn’t I see this on my site last night?

  • Finnish goalie
    September 13, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Adrian went Edwin Epps on that kid, Jesus.

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