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Watertown, Chechnya, Manhunt: Reliving The Most Entertaining 24 Hours In Television History

 

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Today is the one-year anniversary of the craziest night TV history.  Let’s relive it with a re-blog!!

 

If you’re a weirdo who went to bed at a reasonable hour last night, it’s not big deal. You just missed the most exciting night in the history of live television.

While you were sleeping the rest of us were listening in on the Watertown police scanner for every update on what these two morons were doing. I have no idea why we’re allowed to just listen in on what the police are doing. I mean, what if you broke the law for something non-bomb related and were on the lamb. Couldn’t you just listen to what they were planning on doing and just be one step ahead of them? We have a lot of really weird rights and liberties in this country that I’m not sure we really need.

First of all, let me list the many ways these 2 MORONS are the biggest idiots ever:

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Suspect #2 in particular has to be the biggest dumbass on planet Earth. At least his idiot brother wore sunglasses and a forward facing hat to disguise his face. This moron just wears the hat backwards with his giant nose sticking out for us all to see.

After the bombs went off they just strolled away. Shouldn’t they have pretended to panic? I mean do they not realize that every foolchild with a cell phone is taking pictures at that very moment. Nice going morons.
It took the FBI 3 full days to produce a picture of them to the public. Three full days. That’s plenty of time to get their ass to Mexico. What do these idiots do though? Dooshbag #2 just goes to class, and dooshbag #1 just hits up the gym. Can’t miss leg day right?
Apparently they had no money, or else why would they rob a convenience store? I mean did they not realize that everyone was going to be looking for them? This isn’t Pakistan dude. You can’t just blow s*** up and think we’ll just forget about it. You would think they’d have some money stashed away to aid their escape.
These two morons are the most bootleg, wanna-be, p***y terrorists ever. I have no respect for terrorists, but even less respect for those who aren’t willing to go down with the ship. If you’re willing to kill innocent women and children you better be willing to die yourself. At least the hijackers from September 11th didn’t plan on going to the gym the next day.
Apparently one of them is named Jahar. Kind of sounds like Jafar. He was a real dooshnozzle in Aladdin.
So while you were sleeping last night the rest of us were on twitter trying to crack the case ourselves by retweeting rumors. At first the media was really cautious to report that the people who killed Officer Courier at MIT were the marathon bombers. We all knew they were but the media made it loud and clear that they were NOT related incidents. Basically this is all backlash from CNN “reporting” that their had been arrests on Wednesday. Meanwhile the rest of us who were up at 2 AM could obviously figure out that it wasn’t a coincidence that 6 hours after the mugshots were released these two idiots started getting desperate.

I’ve never seen coverage like this before. I mean we had OJ Simpson in the early 90’s but that was pretty boring. AC just drove OJ around at 25 mph on the highway for a while before peacefully surrendering. Boring. Then we had the Iraq War in 2003. No shots fired. Just Iraqi soldiers who couldn’t wait to surrender so they didn’t have to fight for Sadaam Hussein anymore. But this one was nuts because you didn’t know how it was going to end. It was like a movie, but not a Stallone movie. More like a mixture of the Bourne Identity and Batman.

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You heard shots fired and bombs blowing up and didn’t know what the hell was going on. Then you had the fact that the bars in Watertown were getting out at 2:00 and drunks were just stumbling around and being forced to strip naked. Then it was announced that one of the two was killed. But where did moron #2 go? I mean they had to find him right? It’s not like Watertown is Rutland. There’s no woods, just homes, upon homes, upon homes. The action and speculation were intense and you missed it all. Hope you had a good night’s sleep.

I waited it out until about 3 AM when I just assumed the kid had killed himself. I woke up around 9 AM and all of a sudden the kids had names. I would’ve bet my life they were Indian, but it turns out they were from Chechnya, which is just what made this whole story a million times more interesting.

I knew as soon as I heard the word “Chechnya” that three quarters of the American public would think it was Czechoslovakia. Totally called that one. For those of us you don’t watch the news or think that learning is gay, you probably never heard of Chechnya. This is not a country. They would like to be, but they’re part of the Russian Federation. Russia was one of the 15 Soviet Republics from the USSR, which included 5 countries that end in Stan, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova, Azerbaijan, Armenia and Georgia. Ya got that? It’s like those little wooden dolls you had in your house when you were younger, where the little doll fit inside the bigger doll, that fit inside the bigger doll. Not coincidentally these dolls come from Russia. Chechnya would be the smallest doll.

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Chechnya is like the Mississippi of Russia. They don’t identify themselves as Russians and would like to be an independent country. They’ve fought two civil wars with Russia and got destroyed in both of them. The Russians are also really cruel to the Chechens. Human rights is a concept as foreign to Chechens as landline telephones are to Americans. The Russians have screwed these people over pretty badly. They’ve rigged their elections to make sure pro-Russian dudes stay in power and dissent is limited. They’re not welcome anywhere really. Everyone in that region hates everyone else. That’s why these two dooshbags ended up here.

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Chechnya is also a land that is pretty much cursed by God. No one is supposed to live there. It’s just filled with mountains and oil, which is the main reason that the Russians don’t want to give it up. Ever since Vladimir Putin came to power as “President” of Russia, the Chechens were given “autonomy”. Basically they get to have their own leader as long as he’s a brutal dictator that cracks down on organized crime, violates civil rights and remains loyal to Russia. Their current dictator is Ramzan Kadyrov, whose father was assassinated. Understandably his number one goal as President is to avenge his daddy (really not that different from George W. Bush when you think about it). When confronted with gross human rights violations Kadyrov’s response is that “iron rule” is needed to maintain peace.

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So keep in mind when you watch the videos of the family members, that this is the country they are coming from. Chechens are naturally untrusting of any form of organized government and assume the police are corrupt people who torture and frame political opponents. So it’s not surprising when the moron #1 and #2’s father had this to say:

So yes, it’s not surprising at all that the father thinks the police are cowards who framed his innocent boys. That’s just business as usual in Chechnya, so he gets a pass on this comment. Americans don’t realize how lucky they are to live in a country where the police are generally trusted and dirty cops get ratted out by internal affairs. Next person who says something ignorant like “f*** the police” gets a one way ticket to Chechnya to see what police in most countries are like.

Then there was the aunt in Canada today:

So this lady thinks the pictures the FBI issued were staged. And why wouldn’t she? I mean the police are just a bunch of liars who want to frame nice kids like her nephews right? Nevermind all the evidence against them like the pictures of them dropping the bombs, the pictures of them walking away from the crime scene, the videotapes of them robbing the convenience store, the dead MIT cop, the path of destruction they left behind and the dead body of the older brother. None of that matters. They were framed. Classic Chechen point of view. “I’m used to being set up. Before I leave Soviet Union countries that’s how I live. I’m a Chechen, I have to prove myself triple times more than Kzyrgs and Kazakhs who live on their own land”. She also says they are normal young men (besides all the bombing and murdering). The best part is when she says that the older one is “nearly 2 meters high”. That just had me cracking up.

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The star of the show today was by far Uncle Ruslan. He is an angry Chechen man. He doesn’t like when his family or country have their honor compromised by his idiot nephews.

Best part of this interview by far is when he says “My wife open internet, and on AOL I saw picture of Jahar.” Just priceless. This guy obviously has no clue how to use a computer. First he asks his wife to “open internet” for him. In Soviet Russia internet opens you!! Then he goes on AOL. Seriously, AOL? Dude, it’s not 1998 man. Absolutely no way in hell this guy knows how to send a text message and he certainly doesn’t want to learn how. “They’re losers!!! They don’t deserve to exist on this earth!!!” This guy reminds me of Frank Costanza at Festivus letting everyone close to him know how much they have disappointed him. Then he just starts yelling and giving out some old school Chechen discipline, “Jahar, if you’re out there turn yourself in. He put a shame on our family. He put a shame on the entire Chechen ethnicity.” Safe to say that he won’t be visiting his loser nephew in prison.

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So anything you hear from a Chechen person has to be taken with a grain of salt. They don’t see the world the same way we do. They may seem wicked pissed all of the time, but it’s just how they show any type of emotion: shame, humiliation, disbelief, skepticism, joy, love, etc. I forgive the aunt for being really naive, and the Dad for being in the worst position in the world right now. Uncle Ruslan though was easily the star of the day. Talks about how awesome America is and how much his terrorist nephews shame him. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

But what I have no tolerance for are liberals from Cambridge who want to tell me what a good person he is. Cambridge is the worst. There’s a reason that these terrorists called this place home. Their “tolerance” and “acceptance” of all people who think differently was more to blame than their uncle, aunt, and Dad. This is the place that brought us Elizabeth Warren. A city where 85% of the brain-dead idiots actually voted for this annoying wanna-be Cherokee. I avoid Cambridge at all costs. Driving through it is like playing “Dodge a liberal”. They just walk out in front of the road to get from the organic wholesale grocery store to the beatnik coffee shop across the street. It’s not surprising that this is the type of “friend” that terrorist #2 made at Cambridge Rindge and Latin HS:

First of all his name is Senjayah. Wasn’t this the dude on American idol that people kept voting on because he was so bad and they were trying to rig the show? Sorry moron, I don’t want to hear about what a nice guy your terrorist friend is. Don’t care. He’s a murdering terrorist and he needs to die. Don’t need to know anything else about him.

“All his friends from Cambridge know he’s a nice guy. Everyone here in Cambridge loves you. He’s a great guy. He’s always motivated me. One of the reasons I won 6th place in wrestling is because of him.”

Because in Cambridge terrorists aren’t murderers, they’re multicultural people that we just need to get to understand better. And 6th place in wrestling is a good thing? That has liberal, everybody gets a trophy, feel good nonsense written all over it. You suck Cambridge.

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So what do you think we should do with this jagoff now that we have him in custody? Feel free to leave a comment. Best idea gets a prize.

Share this on Facebook or Twitter if you want Jafar to get mob justice.

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1 Comment(s)
  • Matt
    April 18, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    Let the families of the survivors all have 20 minutes alone in a room with him. My mother and nephew were at the finish line, a year later and they’re still messed up. I would love 20 minutes alone with him, no cameras and no one to stop whatever happens. Don’t tie him down or anything, just leave us be.

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