We Love Ally Raisman But She Sounds Like A WANDA Facebook Post When She Speaks


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Turtleboy loves America more than anyone. And nothing is more American than our women’s gymnastics team at the Olympics. Tonight they picked the five girls who will be representing our country in Rio next month. Obviously Needham resident Ally Raisman was one of them. Now don’t get me wrong, Turtleboy loves him some Ally Raisman. She defeated the Russians and the Red Chinese and she’s from Massachusetts, so she brings us great pride.

With that said, she might be the worst public speaker of all time. It really bothered me four years ago whenever she spoke, because the girl literally does not breath when she talks. She doesn’t use periods or commas. Listening to her speak is like reading a WANDA Facebook post except with a microphone and a better grasp of the English language. We thought that with four years of public fame Ally would’ve worked on her one deficiency, but based on the interview she gave tonight it is clear that she might be even worse than she was four years ago:

Someone get this girl a comma!! Good God. I still love this team (even though bitch face’s amazing vaults won’t be around), but if they keep putting her in front of the camera the Russians are gonna think we’re weak.


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10 Comment(s)
  • September 1, 2017 at 1:00 am

    Very good post! We are linking to this particularly great post on our website.

    Keep up the great writing.

  • Wabbitt
    July 12, 2016 at 9:03 pm

    Poor Gabby Douglas standing there like, “Girl, you gotta calm the fuck down and act like you been here before…’

  • July 12, 2016 at 6:22 am

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  • Lightning bug
    July 11, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    OMG. Well now we know why she does gymnastics. No talking required. Could never get a real job.

    • Practical
      July 12, 2016 at 9:29 am

      And yet, she’s made more in her short career than you’ll ever make, and she’ll be remembered for decades. Enjoy posting on this board with the rest of us.

  • Tudor turtle
    July 11, 2016 at 4:02 am

    I’d rather watch a dog lick his balls than watch the Olympics in Rio.

    • Finnish Goalie
      July 11, 2016 at 5:52 am

      I believe that’s actually an organized event in the street slums outside the Olympic Village.

  • BobnMic
    July 11, 2016 at 2:15 am

    Turtle – that is just one pumped up athlete from what I see. And fuck the Russians for God sake already. She is so so psyched is what I get out of that. And good for her. She should be. She is awesome in my book. GO ALLY!

    • BobnMic
      July 11, 2016 at 2:44 am

      You know something, I re-read this post and re-listened to this young athlete’s enthusiasm and I stand by what I just said. She is pumped up like anybody else would be in her position. Fuck the periods and the commas when she speaks after a win. What the fuck is that all about?

      Jesus H. Christ – ever play sports? Come on.

  • GoneWest
    July 11, 2016 at 1:05 am

    TB, I won’t have that. Aly is a Bay State smoke in every single way. I’d take a voice like that over a Lena Dunham or Zooey Deschanel any day.

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