We Should Be Allowed To Bring Guns In The Water Now That Sharks Are Literally Killing People In Cape Cod

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Well, it finally happened:

Police say a man has died after being attacked by a shark off Cape Cod in Massachusetts. Wellfleet Police Lt. Michael Hurley tells The Associated Press a man in his mid-20s succumbed to his injuries following the attack in the waters off Newcomb Hollow Beach in Wellfleet at around noon Saturday. The man was pronounced dead at Cape Cod Hospital in Hyannis. Hurley says state police and the Cape Cod District Attorney’s office are handling the investigation. The beach has been closed to swimming. The attack is the first fatal shark attack in Massachusetts since 1936.

It was really only a matter of time. A shark finally killed someone. As soon as I heard this happen I immediately went on Facebook to see the commentary. And I said for the room to hear, “morons are still gonna be defending sharks.” And just like clockwork….

Fuck sharks. This is not their home. It’s our home. It’s our home because we want it. And we are human beings, we won the Darwinism sweepstakes, so we take what we want. Period. If sharks had our brains they wouldn’t let us live.

Spare me the “this is their home bullshit.” Over 70% of the world is oceans. They can go wherever they want. They choose Cape Cod because of this curse of seals that plagues the coast and brings sharks in, because some idiot politicians wanted to save them too.

Ya know who used to live where my house is? Bears. And coyotes. And dingos, maybe. But they don’t live there anymore because man wanted it. So we took it. And guess what? Bears still exist. We have created national parks specifically so that these beautiful animals don’t get wiped out by civilization, and that’s a great thing. But it doesn’t mean animals get EVERYTHING. We don’t want much. Just some beaches. I don’t want to completely wipe sharks out. They can exist. They just can’t come within 100 feet of a beach where people swim. If they do, they die. We’re talking about building walls on the Mexican border, but everyone’s cool with a shark infestation by sea. Even though sharks don’t pick grapes or clean hotel rooms. Makes sense.

If sharks went extinct tomorrow nothing would change. Another predator would eat all the shit they eat. Orcas I have no beef with. They kill sharks and are the king of the ocean. They don’t menace us at the beach, so they get a pass. They would eat everything sharks wouldn’t if sharks went extinct.

If you’re one of these “we have to protect sharks” people, then why not bring back the T-Rex? How did life ever go on once they went extinct? If they were menacing the land the way sharks menace the beaches, would you really want to protect them? Fuck no. “But it’s their home!!!” No, it was their home. Then they overstayed their welcome.

Here’s my solution – let people take guns in the water. You have a right to have a gun in order to protect yourself right? So why shouldn’t you be allowed to protect yourself from sharks? If you go in the woods with a gun and a bear tries attacking you, you shoot it. The water should be no different. You might be willing to surrender Cape Cod to these man killers, but I for one wanna fight.

P.S. It’s not all their fault. They’re just following the food. Time to start killing seals. Not just clubbing them either. Machine gun them. Get them the fuck out of here. Enough is enough.

40 Comment(s)
  • juror seven esq.
    September 17, 2018 at 1:28 pm

    Has turtleboy turned into some kind of weekly periodical? This shark story came out on 9/15/2018. Two days ago. Nothing new from them. Even the lame-ass turtlegram and gazette puts out new content every 24 hours. Not good content, but at least the comics are different.

  • Nadia Yenraek
    Nadia Yenraek
    September 17, 2018 at 11:50 am

    Turtleboy has officially jumped the shark

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    September 17, 2018 at 9:19 am

    I really thought this was satire when I first read it. I couldn’t believe that the writer was serious. Loyal Turtle rider here, but this was so ignorant on so many different levels I don’t know where to start.

    In the case that the writer was indeed serious:

    First, no, the ocean is not your home. Do you have gills? Fins? Can you breath underwater? it’s their home, and when you go in it, you’re in their territory and you have to accept the risks. Humans use the ocean for entertainment and recreation. It’s not a human playground.

    Second, the idea of using a gun to defend yourself is ludicrous, as other commenters have pointed out. You’d never even get a chance to use it.

    I’m not defending sharks or saying that they need to be protected, but saying that we need to kill every shark in the ocean just so that it’s safe for Jeff Spicoli and his bros to go boogie boarding at the Cape Cod National Seashore is completely retarded.

    • I pissed in your coffee
      September 18, 2018 at 10:56 am

      Wow, you must be fun at parties. I love how Nancy Drew over here had just slightest fleeting suspicion that this might be satire. Let us know the verdict when all the clues come together there Sherlock.

  • Mahky Mahk Ballbag
    September 17, 2018 at 12:29 am

    Cape Cawd now sorrounded by killah Shawk infested watahs…
    Wicked pissah!

  • mrwhitesheep
    September 16, 2018 at 9:22 pm

    Can you assholes be any more butt-hurt about the twitter ban? why tf is every third “article” about you guys crying “b-b-b-b-ut censorshi-i-i-i-pses!!!!”. yall acted like a bunch of racist, homophobic cum-stains, and a private entity told you to kick rocks. Good to see these turtle-fuckers getting a dose of their own medicine. Get fucked!

    • Fat Swine Matter
      September 17, 2018 at 11:45 am

      What does Didi’s daughter Egypt and the real country have in common?

      Americans throw money at both of them for no reason, and they’re doomed to fail and cause problems as long as they exist.

      Does your little spawn know that her daddy is a thieving faggot, you fat cheesehog? I bet she’s happy that you dragged her into this world and doomed her to an uncertain future full of poverty and shameless groveling to delusional white people.

      If we fed your fat BLM ass to the sharks, they’d be too stuffed to bother the working white people any longer. There’s a win-win. No more parasite Didi, the solution to her miserable life is final, and sharks will be fat and happy.

    • I pissed in your coffee
      September 18, 2018 at 11:03 am

      I see someone snorted an extra adderall today to work up the confidence to be an internet tough guy. You were looking forward to this moment, weren’t you?

  • Reader Wannabe
    September 16, 2018 at 7:13 pm

    All I’m trying to do is real the comments and I keep getting redirected to another story.. WTF?

  • Fake Rant Queen
    September 16, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    Yeah, we get it, it WAS their home and hate has no home here. Everybody feel better now?

  • Quint The Shark Hunter
    September 16, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    From 1985 through the year 2005, I used to fly over to Nantucket from the mainland on a regular basis and I started to notice seals usually sunning themselves on small mostly deserted beeches and islands during my flight. As time went on there was an explosion of the seal population around those same areas. They became more and more plentiful and I can remember thinking this overpopulation was not a good thing, being that seals are the preferred meals of the Great White shark, even though Great White sharks sightings were relatively rare back then, but sharks go where the food is.
    Initially these islands and deserted beeches would have one or two seals on them, Then as time went on they became covered almost completely. In my mind it was only a matter of time before shark attacks occurred on a regular basis and became more serious. At first, I learned (1985-86) the seals had no natural enemies in the area, and humans are not allowed to hunt them. Even with the Great White Shark population in the area the seal population still does not have any substantial predator in the Cape cod area that might effect the seal population negatively to any great extent.
    The reason being the long gestation periods of Great White sharks will never allow it to become a true treat to the seal population for many years to come, if ever. This along with the fact that great White Sharks are a migratory animal, and might not stay long in any given place, causes their populations in an area to vary during certain seasons, thus allowing for the seal population to continually increase.
    Now ask any commercial fisherman what he/she thinks of the cute, cuddly seals who have decimated their fishing grounds. Yes Chief, we need a bigger boat if you want to save our beeches over the holidays (jk kind of). The shark/seal problem is not caused by climate change, it is not caused by the raising or lowering of the oceans, it is not caused by President Donald Trump, or any other political entity, it is caused by a purely naturally occurring imbalance of nature which just occurs from time to time. Blame the seal.
    Quint The Shark Hunter

    • Not A Pink Pussy Hat Feminist
      September 17, 2018 at 4:06 am

      Logical factual reply and commentary Captain Quint. +1000 sir

      sorry you got killed off in the movie:/

      • Quint
        September 17, 2018 at 10:02 am

        Quint says thank you for your response, and I was killed off only in the movies. I calls em like I seez em

  • Rockets Redglare
    September 16, 2018 at 9:40 am

    Those of us who live on the Cape knew it was only a matter of time before this would happen. How many people would get bit before someone met his maker? And anyone who would go in the water on the outer Cape is a fucking idiot.
    Now there is talk of starting a “task force” to analyze the shark problem. Should have considered this before someone died not after…

    • Hughbo Mont
      September 16, 2018 at 3:46 pm

      LOL! task force = spend taxpayer dollars to find out that there are great white sharks offshore at Cape Cod.

    • Im from the Goverment and im here to help you
      September 16, 2018 at 7:07 pm

      Typical governmant response always a day late and a dollar short just like in the New England Compounding Center case where they had info but waited until patients died before they investigated.

  • Diane Woods emerson
    September 16, 2018 at 9:20 am

    Umm I must be either a 16 yr old retard OR a green haired , pussy hat chick? I read this as satirical and bitching , not a fucking thesis. So chill out , I am sure that poor boys family want to Napalm the beach right now. But you really think that can happen ?
    You shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. OR . Go away. Wtf.

  • Stunt Penis
    September 16, 2018 at 8:21 am

    Machine-gunning seals is not the answer. It’ll just put a lot of blood and tissue chunks (aka “chum”) in the water which will attract even more sharks. Also, the liberal pussies will bitch you’re putting lead in the ocean and all the ocean creatures will suffer from lead-poisoning.

    Although, admittedly, it’d be a lot of fun, especially with an M2A1.

    On the other hand, clubbing seals IS the answer. No blood, no chum and most important of all, you can make sealskin boots out of the carcasses.

  • Hughbo Mont
    September 16, 2018 at 6:30 am

    It’s called Darwinism.

  • Crayon Eater
    September 16, 2018 at 1:23 am

    ok, what retard wrote this? It makes no goddamm sense. So many good articles and then I faceplant into this special ed essay. Here’s my real reason for commenting though. Who the actual fuck thought it was a good idea to automatically send people to the next article?! If i want to read another fucking article i’ll click the fucking link. That has to be the worse feature any site could ever implement. Of course there’s the never ending scroll-of-shit that fucks up your entire page when all you want to do is read the comments. Come on, I know you don’t have a budget here, but don’t go out of your way to fuck your site up.

    Oh and people get ripped apart from animals all the time, that’s life. If you want to go spear fishing with your buddies down the cape, knock yourself out.

  • Turtle Boy is a bitch
    September 16, 2018 at 12:15 am

    This is fucking pathetic. Whatever asshole wrote this I hope gets devoured by a shark or a bear or any other predatory animal. I used to love reading your shit, but this “story” is fucking pathetic by every meaning of the word. Fucking loser. 

  • Will Crusher
    September 15, 2018 at 11:36 pm

    Hey fuckwit writer, if people are actually dying, “literally” serves no purpose ok? You retards are dumbing down the language.

  • Concerned Canadian
    September 15, 2018 at 10:34 pm

    The last time a shark related TBS article was written, it too was with humorous disregard for logic.

    This is a satirical piece, thick veil, much mental fortitude required to peel back the iron curtains on the true love of sharks the author has.

    It’s basically a love letter to sharks. Seriously. Everyone knows sharks are great.

  • Bobo
    September 15, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    Still seems like machine gunning seals is the best option.

  • Roger
    September 15, 2018 at 7:58 pm

    Sharks are always gonna shark…. 

    You don’t go into the street…blindly, without thinking about cars hitting you. And if you did, you don’t ban all cars from the streets when you eventually get hit by one.  So why go into the ocean, when you know full well there are things that can kill you in it? 

  • TJB
    John Kerry
    September 15, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    Anytime a shark comes close to humans; toss an illegal alien in. Two birds one stone.

  • whatevuh
    September 15, 2018 at 6:24 pm

    ” If they went extinct suddenly it would create chaos” Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, you must be a student at Smith College with green hair and a door knocker in your nose. Sit down and shut up.

    • Sobchak
      September 15, 2018 at 9:01 pm

      Lmao, do you have even an elementary school level understanding of how an ecosystem works? You don’t need to go to college to understand that shit, its taught in like every level of public school.

      And for the record I’ve never changed my hair color, got no piercings, and love Donald Trump, so try again on the assumptions dumbass. Just because you don’t understand basic science doesn’t mean everyone else is some kind of fucking hippie.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    September 15, 2018 at 6:20 pm

    Great…now that shark will head to the coastal south to chew on someone else just to get the taste of yankee out of its mouth…lol. Maybe some hot sauce, borrowed from Clinton, could avert this upcoming tragedy.

  • Wade Boggs Taint
    September 15, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    100% on point and fuck morons who are too fucking stupid to get the point and ask retarded questions like ” do you know what would happen if you shot a gun in the water ” or play 3rd rate autistic Jacques Cousteau and want to educate you on the aquatic food chain. Fuck sharks, fuck seals and fuck any animal that gets in man’s way. The Indians are heaped on that multiple too because they were ass backwards savages. I’m at the top of the food chain. My opposable thumb and my shotguns are all I need to stay there.

    • pro trump
      September 16, 2018 at 8:49 pm

      I own over 300 guns and there’s nothing more I love then emptying a few clips. I’ll be bringing several guns to the beach from now on and will carry a minimum of four while swimming.

      • 13 Foxtrot
        September 17, 2018 at 2:40 am

        You must own 300 M1 Garands or some sort of Enfield rifle because most rifles usually are fed by Magazines … also Field Artillery pieces are referred to as “guns”

  • Mitch Cumstain
    September 15, 2018 at 5:49 pm

    M16 the seals.  Idiot solons feed the masses who 48 million of don’t have $400 in the bank – yes that makes you an idiot

    If you side with the seals you get mowed down too

  • Bob
    September 15, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    Machine gunning seals is the only answer.

  • ??
    September 15, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    Who the fuck wrote this and approved it?? Fuckin morons. ‍♂️

  • Top Turtle Fan
    September 15, 2018 at 4:24 pm

    Did someone hack TBS account? What 16 y/o moron wrote/approved this. C’mon you guys are much better than this.

    • Brian Albrecht
      September 15, 2018 at 8:42 pm

      Lol are you alright? You think that turtle boy is better than this? Yeah right! This is a low class website, with a majority of low class readers. I mean what type of white trash website asks for donations while simultaneously making their own website basically unreadable by absolutely going nuts with ads.
      #Weymouth VS Everybody

      • Bonesaw
        September 17, 2018 at 1:03 pm

        Nobody who has a record that includes stealing shoes from the Walpole Mall and dealing drugs gets to school anybody on “class”, you toolbox.

        You serve no purpose in the world and should be exterminated.

  • Sobchak
    September 15, 2018 at 4:15 pm

    Wow so many things wrong with this post…

    First of all, sharks and whales don’t eat all the same things. Sharks are an apex predator and are a major factor in the ecosystem of the oceans. If they went extinct suddenly it would create chaos.

    Second, a gun in the water? Do you know what happens when a gun is fired into the water, or under it? The bullet goes only a few feet at best and loses its velocity and accuracy almost immediately after exiting the barrel. A gun in the water would be useless against a shark. You’d have better luck carrying a sword into the water.

    • Sir Wilfred Death
      September 15, 2018 at 6:26 pm

      Plus as anyone who has ever watched shark week knows, sharks are such effective predators you would never see them coming. They don’t fire warning shots.

      There is no solution to this other than taking care while at Cape Cod beaches. We were just at Race Point and Herring cove and every day seals were right off the beach. We don’t go in much further than 20 feet. Use your head. There are plenty of lakes, ponds, rivers, and pools if you need to do laps.

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