Strap yourselves in turtle riders because we’re about to introduce you to a woman who has Turtleboy legend potential.

This is Brenda Bolton, AKA Brenda Be Be, AKA Betsy B.

According to her Facebook page she is the CCO (Chief Creative Officer) of the American Family Happily Institute.

I initially thought this was some sort of joke, but it turns out it’s way too real. They have a Facebook page that seems to be a bootleg Occupy Democrats that posts crazy political rants and claps back at anyone who disagrees.

I’ve looked over her organization (if you can call it that) several times, and I’m really no closer than I was initially to having any idea what they (she) do (does). According to the intro video on the her YouTube channel they will help you “get your happily on through games,” “gamify your life,” and they promise to “level up your happily.”

Like this game called “Cooties.”

OK then…..

She had (and still may have) a street performer’s permit in Cambridge.

Because there’s nothing I want to see more than a grown woman doing weird shit in public when I’m forced to drive through the hellhole known as Cambridge.

She came to our attention today when she posted in a Weymouth Facebook group, complaining about her neighbors who asked her to pick up tree branches in her overgrown, poorly kept yard, allegedly because they are an eyesore.

According to her the neighbors only pick on her because she is a single (shockingly) woman. It has nothing to do with the fact that she readily admits that her lawn looks like there could be three or four Vietcong hiding in it for an ambush.

She’s also not happy (despite being the CCO of an organization that helps you get your happily on) that people allegedly call the cops on her when she has friends over, and despite being white is blaming that on racism.

One guy did attempt to help Wokezilla, but she just accused him of mansplaining.

Another guy offered to swing by, pick up all the crud on her lawn and haul it out of there. Naturally she turned him down because there were “strings attached,” even though there were no strings attached whatsoever.

Perfectly sane.

Another nice person offered to help, but the Weymouth Queefnado turned her down as well because she can’t trust strangers to help her.

She wasn’t looking for help, she was just looking for a place to bitch about how oppressed she is living in a neighborhood where people don’t like lunatics driving down property value.

According to her she can’t clean up her lawn because she’s single and has to work for a living.

Those YouTube videos aren’t going to make themselves.

Other people asked to see her yard, since it’s hard to have an opinion about something if you can’t see it. This of course was an example of someone using “privilege” to attack her.

As amusing as this woman is she’s actually a really terrible human being who thinks she’s better than everyone else in town. She believes that most people in her neighborhood are racist, which she admittedly learned while canvassing for a white woman who pretended to be Native American for personal gain.

From there it just got worse and worse…..

She said she wasn’t going to respond anymore, then proceeded to respond over and over again. After that she went back to her Facebook page and whined about how oppressed she is, and complained that her neighbors are a bunch of stupid, unenlightened racists.

If this lady isn’t “happily” I don’t know who is.

Poor lady. Can someone in Weymouth or Quincy please, please toss her some D? I’ve never seen someone in need of a cervix scraping quite like her before. I think that would really solve a lot of her problems.

Yet despite the fact that she’s clearly a nutjob, she’s still gotten a lot of positive press from media outlets like WBUR, who covered her “sexy fun time” event in Somerville in 2015.

What does that mean exactly? “It’s a giant party. There is dancing, there is a comedy show, and it’s participatory,” Be explains. Also popcorn, candy, a cash bar, and music with “secret themes in it.” Plus “unusual games” including a Hippity Hop relay race, team Twister, and something in which “You talk to each other people and exchange dating stories.” And, of course, the American Family Happily Institute’s Glamorous OmniAmorous Cheerleaders—“it comes from this idea that everyone needs their own cheerleader because life is so difficult”—“will be getting people who don’t know each other to meet each other.” In part, by passing on the “Six Secrets of Happily,” which somehow or other involve science, psychology, exploration, culture, games and sex.

“We’re talking about dating, relationships and sex, but we’re doing it in a PG-13 way,” Be says. “Our aesthetic is very 1950s based. It’s all very modest. … This is about what I call playful intimacy. It’s a different approach to sexuality. It’s designed to help make some people who are more uncomfortable about sex, make them more comfortable about being able to talk about it with their partner. A new way of approaching sexuality that is more integrated into human life and is less siloed into some special thing that’s out there and it’s weird and bad and dangerous.”

I know I want sex advice from a woman who would probably be a lot less miserable if someone would just take one for the team and bat her around with the bologna baton.

If you think Failure Swift is nuts, wait till you go down the Weymouth Queefnado’s rabbitt hole. The writeup on WBUR is amazing people watching.

The American Family Happily Institute’s, um, official history, though is that it “was founded by myself and my five identical sextuplet sisters,” Be explains. “My sisters and I started out by studying unhappily. We studied that for quite a while. We studied that extensively. Then we realized that it wasn’t leading anywhere in terms of bringing more happily. So we ditched that completely. Then we decided to study the ways that happily gets formed and we founded the Institute, AFHI, which has hundreds and hundreds of scientists, psychologists, educators, all coming together to discover and spread the world about how people can increase their happily.”

“Happily at its shortest definition is that it’s inner peace and self-actualization,” Be explains. “So it’s having peace within yourself and being the best person you can be. That’s quite different from happy. It’s a concept that’s more complex than happy. Also, you can’t be happy all the time. You have to have some other emotions that conflict with happy. Sometimes you need to be sad or angry. But you can hold a little happily in your heart no matter what else is going on.”

“We’re just trying to lead people towards an understanding that we’re all in this together,” Be says. “Now obviously, some people already understand that. For those, people we’re just trying to give them a great time.”

Her poor neighbors. Imagine having to live next to this humorless wench and the people she invites over for happily hour?

You can get away with that shit in Somerville or Cambridge, because they embrace weirdness. But if you bring that jive to a place like Weymouth, which is full of hard working, normal people, don’t act surprised when people don’t humor your insanity.

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