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So while watching Olympic speed skating tonight I got very confused. Speed skating is easily the best non-hockey winter olympic event, and South Korea dominates it like you read about. So not surprisingly I just watched a heat in which the favorite was a guy who was clearly a Korean. But for some reason his speed suit says Russia on it, and his name is “Viktor Ahn.”

Turns out his real name is Ahn Hyun-Soo. Apparently he was a great South Korean speed skater, and was Apollo Ohno’s biggest rival at the 2006 olympics. Then he got old and couldn’t skate as fast, which in South Korea makes you about as useful as fat guy who isn’t funny. So naturally he defected to Russia and changed his name to Viktor. Now he’s skating for them.

Sneaky fucking Russians.

But the Russians aren’t the only one pulling this move. They’re just the only ones who are getting athletes that can medal. It reminded me of the opening night. I saw a handful of countries who had their flags taken out by Americans. Apparently if you’re an American that can’t hack it in the states you can just pick another country and compete for them. I’m sorry, but if you do that you should tried for treason. You have to be a pretty big loser to sell out your country just for the right to compete under a foreign flag in Russia.

So on the opening night as I watched each country come out of that tunnel, some nations were exactly what you expected, while others were something much different….

Greece

So when I think of Greece I usually don’t think of a bunch of metrosexuals with rainbow gloves. My interaction with Greeks usually involves picking up my greasy pizza down the street. No one in the pizza shop looks like any of those guys.

Australia

This guy is so Australia it hurts.

Albania

None of the ladies who make the most disgusting coffee on earth at the Dunkin Donuts down the street look like this. If they did I wouldn’t get so mad after pulling out of the drive through and tasting my cat piss flavored coffee. Cream and shoooooooogarrrrrrr?

You couldn’t come up with a more Ireland team than this one

No wonder so many people left that God forsaken island.

And as if the Sochi Olympics aren’t screwed up enough, some genius decided that this would be a good outfit for the weirdos who accompanied each team on their way out.

These ladies freaked me out all night. They all looked like Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games.

And you know what else really grinds my gears? Countries that are smaller than Worcester. Complete BS that the best athletes from these “countries” get to compete in the Olympics. These ghetto ass countries include:

Andorra

British Virgin Islands

Bermuda

Liechtenstein

and San Marino

I’m sorry, but none of those are real countries. The nudniks representing Bermuda and British Virgin Islands are both traitors Americans. So are these fools..

Paraguay

Tong ta Tong Tong Tonga

and this idiot from “Dominica”

Nothing says “Dominica” like Gary Disilvestri and cross country skiing. Unlike the rest of the nudniks who defected to other countries for the olympics, he really has no connection to Dominica. First of all, I had no idea this was a country, and I’m pretty nasty at sprocle geography. Apparently it’s a tropical island though, which I’m sure has the world’s finest cross country skiing. Turns out this guy did some relief work there one summer. That actually counts for the olympics.

I’m sorry, but if India has to come out like this:

then Tonga, San Marino, and Liechtenstein don’t get to come out as real countries. India’s the second biggest country in the world. What the hell is Tonga?

Biggest fail of the night had to go to Austria, who couldn’t even make it out of the ceremony without a freak injury. No wonder the Nazis just walked into there in 1938…

Biggest winners of the night wasn’t really a contest. That’s gotta go to those Russian dancers. Those people can disco for hours…

There was a lot of talk about the outfits. My winner for the night was easily Lithuania.

But I don’t know who designed some of these disasters. Like, who in Latvia decided to come out looking like a pack of Reeses Pieces?

Does Chinese Taipei have to come out in graduation gowns?

Is everyone in Japan a nuclear scientist?

Was America having an ugly sweater party?

Does France have to look like a bunch of Boston College, prep school, glee club Nancy Boys?

Did Joe Namath design the Russian women’s outfits?

Either way, the shitshow that is Sochi 2014 continues. But hey, what did you think was gonna happen when this guy was left in charge?