Woman Suing Starbucks For $5 Million Putting Too Much Ice In Iced Coffees Is The Biggest Moron Who Ever Lived

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Here’s a story that Uncle Turtleboy was talking about on 100.1 FM the Pike today during the Turtleboy Tuesday show. It’s the greatest first world problems story of all time:

Huffington PostAn Illinois woman is reportedly suing Starbucks for $5 million over the amount of ice it puts in customers’ drinks. Stacy Pincus accuses the coffee chain of packing almost half of their cold beverages with ice as a means to skimp on serving actual coffee to customers,according to the suit obtained by Courthouse News.When it comes to ordering a 24-ounce “Venti” coffee, for example, Pincus claims a customer only receives 14 ounces of actual coffee, and ice takes up the remaining 10.

The miffed customer further notes that hot Starbucks beverages typically cost less than cold ones, even though they contain more coffee because of the lack of ice. Among the accusations hurled at the coffee conglomerate are fraud, negligent misrepresentation and unjust enrichment. Pincus expresses her intent to represent everyone who ever purchased a cold drink from the coffee chain over the last 10 years.

Imagine someone from Bangladesh watching this. It must be so confusing to them. This is what Americans get upset about? This is what freedom, democracy, and capitalism looks like? This is the country that put a man on the moon? But as insane as this is, it’s still more legit than Gordon Davis suing Turtleboy Sports for $153,000 for pointing out all the crazy things he has done.

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Seriously though, how did Stacy Pincus go about deciding she was gonna sue Starbucks? Did she wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and scream, “Ice has mass!!!!!”? Because everyone with a brain already understands the very basic scientific concept that ice does in fact take up space inside your cup because it has mass. It happens every single time you order a fountain drink. Luckily Starbucks has pointed out the obvious in their defense:

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That’s the best part right there. It’s right in the Goddamn name. ICED coffee. As in, there will be ice in this coffee. And ultimately it’s the same amount of coffee as a hot coffee of the same size. A medium hot coffee cup is significantly smaller than a medium iced coffee cup, because Starbucks has factored in the fact that ice has mass and takes up space. The best part is what she’s demanding of Starbucks:

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Hey moron, the only one who is being deceived is you. The rest of us figured out that ice has mass quite some time ago. Ice is also made out of water, which is the same exact thing that coffee is made out of.

Here’s another thing – the less ice they put in an iced coffee the quicker it melts and waters down your coffee. I’ve had iced coffee without much ice in it before. It’s awful. The more ice the better. Only a savage would want less ice.

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What is she hoping to accomplish with this besides the quick pay day? Does she want Starbucks to use bigger cups? Because guess what they’re gonna do then? Raise the price. Obviously. Then we’re all fucked. LOL. Just kidding, Turtleboy would never waste his money at Starbucks in the first place.

Here’s a couple things Stacy Pincus could have done instead of suing for $5 million:

  • Ask the Starbucks employee (we refuse to call them baristas) for less ice
  • Ask the Starbucks employee for no ice
  • Make her own iced coffee
  • Go to Dunkin Donuts

The most insane part of this story is that Stacy Pincus is apparently a physician’s assistant.


How did someone this dumb become a PA? Don’t you have to go to college and have common sense to become a PA? Is she not making enough money? Does she really need the humiliation that comes along with this lawsuit? She says that she’s doing this for “everyone.” Newsflash moron – you don’t represent us. The rest of us have common sense and want nothing to do with you.


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18 Comment(s)
  • Worc Taxpayer
    May 4, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    This idiot has been thinking of who can she sue for a quick payday for years and this is the best she could come up with? Starbucks because of “ice”? If I’m having a massive heart attack and she was going to treat me I’d leave the hospital before I let her help me!

  • Dm
    May 3, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    All she needed to say is “Easy on the ice.” and her problem could have been solved.

  • RSoxGuy
    May 3, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Another post didnt show up. Wats the the deal TB?

  • Reddog
    May 3, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    I was in Europe on business and couldn’t get a decent cup of coffee anywhere. It was all cappuccino or espresso. When I returned to the States they had s Starbucks at the airport so I got the largest size they had, and it absolutely sucked. Never been back since. I’m a Dunks guy.

  • juror seven
    May 3, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    Jay thanks for pointing out what a dickweed turtleboy boy can be at times.

  • Turd Burglestein
    May 3, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    I should burgle her turd, then sue because I didn’t feel like there was enough corn or peanuts in it.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      May 3, 2016 at 12:48 pm

      She has a great digestive system.

  • Jay
    May 3, 2016 at 11:58 am

    This article brought to you by the guy who complained Dunkins didn’t stir his coffee enough.

  • WormtownorBust
    May 3, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Starbucks sucks.

    • Maggie the Cat
      May 3, 2016 at 12:02 pm

      Wormtown, I know a lot of people who think Starbucks sucks. I have never had their coffee so I have no opinion on it, but I would like to know why so many people hate Starbucks.

      • Rich
        May 3, 2016 at 12:09 pm

        Pretension on steroids is my guess. I actually like their coffee, but hate going there.

        • Maggie the Cat
          May 3, 2016 at 12:18 pm

          Thanks, Rich. That’s one good reason.

  • LivesInLowell
    May 3, 2016 at 11:14 am

    Although not relevant to the story, I bet she gives excellent oral sex.

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      May 3, 2016 at 11:27 am

      With ice chips in her mouth. Damn, died and gone to heaven.

    • TargetPractice
      May 3, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      Usually I think of plump lips for a good bj, she just has an incredibly large mouth. Probably could vacuum up your cock and balls at the same time

  • Clive's not a racist, just ask him
    May 3, 2016 at 11:03 am

    I’m going to sue my local bar for too much ice in the cocktails… I keep telling them, Tito’s 4/5, soda water 1/5, THEN a couple rocks. Fuckers always put the rocks in first.

  • Tudor turtle
    May 3, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Thank god I’m not a coffee drinker.

  • Finnish Goalie
    May 3, 2016 at 10:41 am

    You need to keep buying trophies for the newest winner of “biggest moron ever.”

    Good think you guys have the ad money

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