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So Bernie Sanders came to Worcester today. You know where he didn’t go? Colrain. Because just like Donald Trump, he knows that Worcester is the mecca of the universe so he had to make an appearance here if he wants to be President. Clinton, Obama, Taft. They all understand our greatness. But unlike Trump, Bernie forgot to make sure the DCU Center was available and he had to settle for North High School (even though South High’s gym is twice its size) and split his crowd up into the gym, auditorium, cafeteria, and the rejects who got stuck outside. D’Oh!!!
We got off the highway at the Grafton Street exit and couldn’t turn right to head towards Hamilton Street because traffic was backed up all the way to the light:
Naturally then we went up Franklin Street, only to find another wall full of traffic once we came within a quarter mile of the Franklin Street light:
But Turtleboy is from Worcester so he doesn’t wait in traffic. We banged a quick right, went through a dirt road, and emerged on Plantation Street and passed this legion of sheep. Harrington Way was a real blast:
So we parked on a side street and headed over to North High on foot. Along the way the sidewalk was covered in ice, because obviously the City of Worcester decided not to prepare for a rally they knew thousands would come to. Consequently we saw some poor guy slip on the ice and fall flat on his face. He’s probably got a concussion now:
Joe Petty said our streets are safe, but he never said anything about the sidewalks.
When we got to the school the line was a mile long:
LOL. Anyone who waited in that line is a chump. Newsflash – you’re going to a Bernie rally. Just cut the line. Because nothing is more Bernie Sanders then cutting a line and taking something that isn’t yours.
Another perfect fit at the Bernie rally was Santa Claus:
— The Populist Left (@PopulistLeft) January 2, 2016
Because Bernie and Santa are both mythical old grey dudes who bring you free shit.
Anyway, we’ve already heard Bernie speak a million times so we understand what he’s all about – free healthcare, $15 an hour, and blunts to the dome. One of those three things sounds like a great idea. We’ll let you decide which one. He also blames everything on the rich and pretends like he’s gonna take all their money.
But the thing I find most hilarious is the whole 3 month family leave everyone’s gonna get after you have a baby. Never mind how this gets paid for, my question is, what kind of man needs 3 months off after having a baby? Did I miss something? Is this supposed to be a traumatic event for us? Did we carry the baby for 9 months? Mrs. Turtleboy spit out Turtleboy Jr. and Turtleboy was blogging ten hours later. Get your ass back to work and have some Goddamn pride in yourself. The baby will be there when you get home.
So since we already knew what he was all about, we didn’t need to stick around to listen to him. We were more interested in seeing what the crowd was like. Because supposedly Bernie is the guy that the black lives matter folks are getting behind. And unlike that big ol’ racist Trump, Bernie rallies are known for their diversity:
— Michael D. Kane (@MichaelKane_PCD) January 3, 2016
— Politics News (@PoliticsNewz) January 3, 2016
LOL, just kidding. Just like most Trump rallies, it’s just a bunch of white people. There’s basically two types of people at Bernie rallies. First you’ve got the retired Western Mass/Vermont hippies:
They’ve been protesting big business and protecting the environment since before it was cool, so you can understand the draw.
The other crowd are the people in their young 20’s who have never voted before, but are drawn to the fact that Bernie is offering them all this free shit. Required attire for the Bernie post-college hippie is some combination of the following, 1) hipster glasses, 2) skinny jeans, 3) Saver’s brand shoes, and 4) an unintentional beard that got that way out of shear laziness:
Others choose to go full hippie:
Oh yea, and unlike the last month of school last year, Lisa Dyer decided to make an appearance in the high school that she is the principal of:
Here’s another reason we can’t get behind Bernie. Turtleboy refuses to support anyone whose staffers are a bunch of twenty somethings who think they’re part of a movement. These people just let you walk right about to the Bern:
I want my President to be surrounded by a bunch of suits with ear pieces who let it be known that they will fuck you up if you look at the candidate the wrong way. Turtleboy shouldn’t be able to walk up to a real presidential candidate and shake his hand like this:
But that’s because Bernie isn’t a real candidate. Just ask Hillary. She took a huge dump during the last debate debate because she knows the election is already over. When we were at the Trump rally we were basically molested before entering, and before we gave him the “I Am Turtleboy” shirt, a bunch of suits came over and told us to put our hands up. It FELT like we were about to see a guy who could be President. When we met Bernie it felt like we just met a guy that was running for selectman in Colrain.
The major differences between the Trump crowds and the Bernie crowds are the cars that got them there. I wish we took more pictures of Trumpmobiles, but you can imagine what the dominant vehicle of choice was – anything that unnecessarily uses gas as least efficiently as possible while showing everyone else that you have a huge schmenzer.
Berniemobiles are the complete opposite. We did a brief survey of the parking lots to see how many people drove a Prius to the Bernie rally. Because make no doubt about it – there are no people on earth who want to pat themselves on the back more than Prius owners. They’re saving the world from global warming. Didn’t you get the message? We put the over/under at 45.5 Prius’s. Let’s see how many we found:
So that’s 40 Prius’ right there, and we didn’t even check out anything along the side streets. There were at LEAST 100 Prius’ there. And as you can see, parking inside designated lines is clearly not the strength of your average Berniemobile driver.
There were other Berniemobiles that were also popular, such as the Toyota Echo:
The Honda Fit:
The Chevy Spark:
The VW Golf:
The Hyundai Accent:
The Toyota Yaris:
The Suzuki SX4:
And if you are going to drive a Berniemobile, you can’t forget your the complete Bernie bumper sticker collection, including the 99% sticker:
Your Clark University and Earth bumper stickers:
The rainbow peace symbol:
Coexist is always a classic:
(nothing says I’m a pretentious dickbag who thinks I’m better than everyone else than the guy with the Coexist bumper sticker)
The guy who changed his profile picture to the pink equality symbol and thinks they changed the world:
The “I don’t believe in God, which makes me a million times smarter than you morons who do” #tolerance:
The Lena Dunham man-hating feministo:
“No means no” is sexist now. Consent has to be an “enthusiastic” yes. So all you guys and gals out there who did the deed after your partner said, “fine, just make it quick,” – you’re all rapists. All of you.
And of course the guy from Nevada who follows Bernie all around the country and has a Las Vegas Mafia license plate:
Anyway, it was great to feel the Bern in the Woo. Even though he doesn’t have any chance of winning, the fact that stuff like this happens in Worcester just proves that as Worcesterites, we are the chosen people.
P.S. I love that Joe Petty and Ed Augustus were nowhere to be found for this. Because why would the City Manager and Mayor show up for a rally for a guy who is seeking THEIR PARTY’S nomination for President? LOL. They’re obviously under instruction from the machine that under no circumstances can they ever show support to someone not named Hillary. But there’s no political machine in Worcester, I swear!!!
Double P.S. – Turtleboy officially killed Orange Julius Jones today. Bernie Sanders rallies are the easiest to take over in the history of democracy. He’ll just let you walk up on stage and take the mic as long as you’re planning on lecturing him about black lives matter. OJJ and the hippies are done, and Turtleboy has played them.
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