• Green = 1-99 MGs
• Yellow = 100-199 MGs
• Red = 200+ MGs

So THAT’S why Coes Pond is always closed!!

Congratulations Worcester, we did it!! We are the best at something besides snow and horrible mustaches!! I have so many people I wanna thank, I don’t know where to begin. First and foremost I wanna thank Moe’s, because without the Fat Sam coming to Stafford Street none of this is possible. Then I’d like to thank Dunkin Donuts, particularly the ones at Webster Square, Chandler Street, and Tatnuck, because without your piss tasting coffee the food in our belly’s would actually have to be processed by our bodies, instead of violently forced out in a stream of cream and sugar. Finally I’d like to thank the general populace for not having any environmental objection to filling our streams and rivers with Worcester’s finest butt gold. 

Hey Fitchburg, do you even dump? And how come Boston, Gloucester, Lynn, Somerville, Cambridge, Taunton, and Chelsea have such minuscule poopage? Do their dumps magically disappear? Or are they all just dumping their poo in Revere? Because driving through Route 1A would make a lot more sense if that was the case. 

However, Fall River, population 88,857, leads the state in most sewage released into public waterways per capita, with 5,627 gallons of rain-and-sewage combination spilled into the Taunton River and Mt. Hope Bay per resident. 

Of course the Riv has more capita dumps than we do. Whenever I pass through that dump all I wanna do is take a smash in it. Take THAT Battleship Cove!!! Next year we take this down Worcester!! We shouldn’t be losing to Fall River in anything. 

It’s worth noting here that while EPA numbers indicate Fall River released 500,000,000 gallons of sewage-and-rainwater in 2013, the city itself claims a much higher discharge rate on its website, an average annual total of 1.3 billion gallons, or 14,630 gallons of spillage per resident. The city is currently under court order to reduce sewage dumping.

Fall River’s been naughty this year I see. The EPA might say they only had half a billion gallons worth of anal butter, but according to city officials they’ve got way more discharge than that. You know you’re from a bad ass city when you’ve been told by a court to stop dumping so much and you double down on the dumpage instead.  

According to the documents, the most polluted waterway is the Connecticut River, which meanders through Montague, Holyoke, Chicopee, and Springfield, occasionally picking up sewage along the way. In 2013 the amount of sewage-storm runoff sent directly to the Connecticut River came to 642,820,000 gallons, most of which came from Springfield.

Good. Turner Falls, Holyoke, Chicopee, Springfield – those places are all huge dumps anyway. Hippies from Sunderland and Northfield probably couldn’t be happier to send their finest creations downstream. If we’re gonna destroy any river in this state it might as well be the Connecticut River. Is there any more gratifying feeling than taking a huge smash and knowing that it’s gonna end up in Connecticut? 

So why is so much sewage is dumped into public waterways? In older municipalities, sewers were designed to remove both human waste and stormwater, so when it rains in Massachusetts, those sewers flood. Sewage pipes fill and the city releases the waste-water into the rivers, rather than have it come through the drains in your house, a practice called combined sewer overflow. 

So, does that mean in low dumpage cities like Cambridge and Somerville that when it rains their houses all overflow with dung? Because the thought of Elizabeth Warren getting covered in her own feces is getting me aroused right now.  

Anyway, congrats on the victory Worcester. We earned this. Next year we take the per capita title back to the land of the Turtleboy. See ya at Moe’s!!