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Worcester South Student From Ghana Does Not Have Ebola Because Geography

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So I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and I came across this headline from Worcester Magazine:

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Yup, this was only a matter of time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Ebola is the most overrated disease in the history of the world. There isn’t anything in life I fear less than Ebola. I’ve thought about dying several times while driving through Kelley Square. The same can’t be said while thinking about Ebola.

But for whatever reason freaking out about this pansy disease that has killed a grand total of one American, has become more American than apple pie. Guess how many people have died in this “epidemic?” A grand total of 2,100, all of which are in Africa. I have more followers than that on Facebook. Guess how many people have died from influenza? 49,000. And measles? 122,000. And diarrhea? I shit you not (no pun intended), diarrhea kills 1.5 million children a year. Who remembers swine flu? That killed over 280,000 people.

So obviously I had to read this article to see what the hell was going on here. Here’s what Walter Bird reported:

A student who was taken out of South High Community School shortly before noon Friday, Nov. 14 most likely does not have the Ebola virus, despite an initial police scanner report of a 17-year-old boy with possible Ebola at the school.

Principal Maureen Binienda confirmed to Worcester Magazine a student at the school reported to the health center this morning with a fever. She said she did not know what his temperature was. The student, she said, had only been at the school three days and had come from Ghana. She said the boy is currently the only new student from a foreign country.

“He has to go to the hospital to be checked out,” Binienda said outside the school, shortly after an ambulance pulled away with the boy inside. “He’s from Ghana. There’s no incident of Ebola in Ghana. [Taking the boy to the hospital] was just a safety precaution. He is going to the hospital to see what else he might have.”

Binienda expressed surprise at the mention of Ebola possibly being suspected, and said no one in the health center at the school had mentioned it. In a transmission over a Worcester police scanner, however, a dispatcher reported a 17-year-old boy had reported to the nurse’s office at 170 Apricot St., which is the address for South High. There were multiple transmissions, and at one point the dispatcher said, “possible Ebola.”


Now on the comments section of the Facebook page a lot of geniuses are blaming Worcester Magazine for overreacting. One even called it Yellow Journalism. Newsflash – Worcester Magazine was doing it’s job. They reported a story. The mere fact that you read it AND commented on it only justifies it’s relevance. I don’t blame the media – this one’s on the dispatcher. What the fuck does a dispatcher in Worcester know about Ebola?  Possible Ebola? Have they ever treated anyone with Ebola? Known anyone with Ebola? If you’re taking a dump while you’re reading this right now then you possibly have Ebola too. Because taking gigantic Ebola dumps is a dead giveaway.

Luckily Worcester South High School is run by the honorable Maureen Binienda, so everything was under control. And keeping Worcester South under control is not an easy task. I mean, South has no walls. I’m sure that’s hard for some of you to imagine, but the walls that do exist in the school are pretty much all load-bearing walls. They’re not there to separate you from anything. Because some hippy in the 70’s came up with the idea of “free learning, man.” “No walls, man.” “No boundaries, man.”

Well those hippies never had to go to school there. Anyone who has had the pleasure of going there can tell you that if you didn’t like your class, you could just listen to the one next door. Or you could throw shit at your friends who stupidly signed up for French. Other kids would just walk directly through your class to get to their class. If there was a fight in the pod then everyone knew about it. The possibilities were really limitless.

A lesser principal quarantines the whole building because the lack of walls could’ve caused Ebola to spread to the whole school. But not Mrs. Binienda. Because Mrs. Binienda is familiar with something called “Geography.” Ya see, “Africa” to most Americans is a magical place where people run around in their underpants and chase packs of hyenas. But ya see, Ghana is what is called a “country.” It is one of 50+ countries in Africa. They all have their own governments (kind of) and they’re distinctly different from one another.

This is a map of Africa, complete with Ebola outbreak color-coding:



You will notice that Ghana is not a country that has had an Ebola outbreak. I know this is hard for some people to understand, but Ghana, Nigeria, and Sierra Leone are not the same thing. Here are some strengths and weaknesses for each country:

Nigeria strengths – Big population

Nigeria weaknesses – Boko Haram, deposed King’s who need your financial support, Ebola

Sierra Leone strengths – Diamonds

Sierra Leone weaknesses – Diamonds, Ebola

Ghana strengths – Soccer, no Ebola, no coups in last 20 years

Ghana weaknesses – Electricity

The bottom line is this. If you’re a recent immigrant from Africa, and you get a cold or the flu, you better not tell anyone. Because dumbasses out there are gonna assume you’re a transfer student from the University of Africa that came here to kill all of us with the newest version of the plague.

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