Did your high school mascot suck? More than likely if you grew up in Massachusetts your school’s mascot was some cliche, bullshit that some unimaginative business school dropout came up with. There are 17 schools that call themselves the Warriors, 16 for the Panthers, 14 Tigers and Eagles, 12 Bulldogs and Wildcats, 10 Indians and Rams, and a whole bunch of Red Raiders, Vikings, Blue Devils, Crusaders, Cougars, Mustangs, Spartans, Falcons, and Lions. Those names all suck, but they could be worse. Here are Turtleboy’s Top 10 best and worst mascots in the Bay State.
10. Westford Grey Ghosts
No one is scared of people from Westford, but everyone is scared of ghosts. Particularly grey ghosts.
9. Gloucester Fishermen
I like a mascot that’s authentic to the area it represents. While every other high school in this state was saying, “fuck it, let’s just call ourselves the Tigers” the good people of Gloucester chose the only profession you are allowed to have if you grow up in Gloucester. I used to think being a fisherman meant drinking a lot of beer and sitting around all day. Then I saw The Perfect Storm and I realize it’s a pretty badass mascot.
8. Worcester North Polar Bears
I like it because it’s unique. Polar Bears would destroy any other bear in a fight. A Polar Bear takes what it wants, whenever the hell it want to take it.
7. Tahanto Stags
The word “stag” just wreaks of masculinity. If you’re a hot shot from Tahanto Regional trying to pick up chicks from Shrewsbury, just imagine the sex appeal you immediately have when you tell them you’re a Stag. I kind of wish I went to Tahanto now.
6. Salem Witches
I couldn’t decide if I loved this name or hated it. No one likes witches. They’re disgusting looking and they have terrible breath. Probably. Some towns would bow their heads in shame because their entire history revolves around organized killings of innocent women. Not Salem though. They embrace the senseless murders and group hysteria.
5. Duxbury Dragons
You know what beats a dragon in a fight? Absolutely nothing.
4. Marblehead Magicians
How can you beat a magician in anything? They have magic. Game over.
3. North Attleborough Rocketeers
All I can think of when I heard this name was one of the greatest movies from my childhood – The Rocketeer. If I watched it again today I’d probably realize that it was in fact a terrible movie, because I made that same mistake with Independence Day.
2. Springfield Sci-Tech Cybercats
I don’t know what a cybercat is. Is it a cougar you find in a 40+ dating site? Is it an online predator who gives you computer viruses? Doesn’t matter, because it strikes the fear of God in me when it comes off the tongue. Plus this school incorporates science, technology, and Springfield into the same name. All of which scare the shit out of normal people.
1. Lenox Millionaires
No school in the state could possibly have more swag than the Lenox Millionaires. Oh you beat us in Lacrosse? Guess we’ll just go buy another summer home in the Berkshires. Sucks to be poor. Hippies.
10. Auburn Dandies
You might know them as the Auburn Rockets, but they will always be the Dandies to me. Auburn High School changed its name from the Dandies back in 92 when it became the new slang for a gay man, as opposed to the well-dressed and sophisticated playboy. I say fuck the Rockets, bring back the Dandies!!!
9. Woburn and Peabody Tanners
If your city’s history revolves around taking dead animal carcasses and turning them into leather products, you probably should just call yourselves the Warriors.
8. Greater Lawrence Tech Reggies
Picture the fear in your opponents when they have to play Greater Lawrence Tech in a something. “Oh shit, the Reggies are coming to town today!! Hide yo kids, hide you wife, cuz the Reggies are raping everyone up in here.”
7. Haverhill Hillies
I hate this name because of the pure lazyness involved in making it. You can’t just take the second half of your city’s name and add “ies” to it. That’s just lazy. That’s like playing the Fitchburg Burgies. Plus their choice of school colors was St. Bonaventure-style poop. Not a good look for anyone.
6. Millbury Woolies
You named your school after the bi-product of sheep? The most defenseless, eatable organism in the animal kingdom. Why not just name your them the Millbury Chicken Feathers?
5. Clinton Gaels
I had to look up what a Gael is. Appaently it’s someone who speaks Gaelic. But unlike the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, whose mascot will kick the shit out of you, all a Gael does is regale you with stories about the time he got black out drunk and turned into a half-horse.
4. Ashland Clockers
Yup. Ashland High School’s mascot is named after a Goddamn clock. I understand the historical aspect of this, and I assume they made a lot of clocks back in the day in Ashland. But the Boston Marathon goes through Ashland. Wouldn’t something involving the world’s most famous marathon be a lot cooler than naming your school after some underpaid immigrant who made pocket watches.
3. Holy Name Napoleons
Is there a bigger dooshnozzle in world history than Napoleon? His name has become synonymous with short, angry men who are sick of watching taller dudes nail their ex-girlfriends. Oh yea, and he invaded Russia in the winter and ended up getting banished to island. And we name high schools after him in Worcester. I guess it’s a fitting name for a school where you send your asshole kid to keep him away from evil public school kids, because you’re still in denial about your kid being an asshole.
2. Sutton Suzies/Sammies
If your mascots isn’t gender neutral, then you have a shitty mascot. And could you possibly pick less intimidating names than “Suzies” and “Sammies?” It sounds like two kids who met at the sock hop and went out for milkshakes.
1. Agawam Brownies
Oh snap, the Brownies are coming!!! I assumed their mascot was a pair of soiled underpants from someone who just ate a bunch of Big E fried dough. Turns out they just found a more creative way to call themselves the Indians.
Honorable mentions: Arlington Spy Ponders, Braintree Wamps, Quincy Presidents, Doherty Highlanders, Charlstown Townies, Bristol-Plymouth Tech Craftsmen.
Did we miss any? Leave it in the comments if we did.