The other day we wrote a blog about the hippies starting a petition to Mayor Petty to have Plantation Street’s name changed because it’s offensive. Because of slavery of course. Sure, this hilarious “petition” ignores the fact that Plantation Street is named after Quinsigamond Plantation, a place where whites and Native Americans coexisted in peace and harmony. But sometimes it’s just more fun to be a hippie because it requires less thinking. On that note, we’re gonna get into the mind of a hippie for a blog and we’ve put together a list of 20 Worcester streets that we DEMAND the city change the names of because we find them offensive. We’ve also included new street names we “recommend” but we all know that’s just hippie talk for “demand.”
20. Mann Street
Mann Street? Where’s Womann Street? Oh yea, it doesn’t exist. Sounds pretty sexist to me.
New name: Transgender Street
19. Short Street
Short is such an insensitive term. Imagine the long term damage this does to the vertically inclined. For shame Joe Petty, for shame.
New name: Fun For All Sizes Way
18. Lee Street
Lee Street? As in Robert E. Lee? Sure there’s millions of other people with that same last name that it could be named after. But the fact of the matter is that the most famous confederate general had that surname. Therefore it’s offensive.
New name: Harper Lee Street
17. Farm Street
Seriously? Farm Street? Ummmm, open up a history book you racist bastards. Farms are just another word for plantations. Might as well call this Ku Klux Klan street. SHM.
New name: Reparations Street
16. Whipple Street
What are the first four letters of Whipple Street? Oh yea, Whip. And not the cool new dance moves that all the kids are doing either. It’s the racist kind of whip from the 1800’s. This offends me as the descendent of European immigrants.
New name: Nat Turner Road
15. Pilgrim Ave
Try to be more offensive to Native Americans. You can’t. The Pilgrims showed up over here with their fancy hats and thought they could smooth it all over by inviting the Natives over for some turkey and cranberry sauce. But we know they were just racist imperialists bent on world conquest.
New name: White Devil Invaders Road
14. Clapp Street
Why not just call it AIDS Street? Or Herpes Street? Do you understand how offensive this is to the prostitute community in Worcester?
New name: Needle Exchange Terrace.
13. Butler Street
Hey, I saw The Butler last month when it came out on Netflix. That shit was pretty racist. Forest Whittaker is rich and famous and he couldn’t even get a promotion after 30 years of service.
New name: Chief Diversity Officer Passageway
12. Lois Lane
Lois Lane is an imaginary damsel in distress who needed to be saved by a strong, sexist man. Real men wear hipster glasses, skinny jeans, and shop at Whole Foods. Lois Lane perpetuates the myth that women are weak and NEED a man to save them. This offends me as a feminist.
New name: Beyonce Lane
11. Oriental Street
Excuse you? The pre-approved hippie way to say it is “Asian-American.” Oh I’m sorry, was Super Chinese Buffet Street already taken? Get out my face with this anti-Asian jive.
New name: Connie Chung Parkway
10. Fruit Street
Homophobic much? You could’ve picked any fruit – pear, apple, plum, peach – but instead you just called it “fruit.” I see what you did there Joe Petty. Do the right thing and change this offensive street name before we start another online petition.
New name: Fabulous Street
9. Warden Street
Warden Street? Seriously? Haven’t you people been reading Gordon Davis’ literature that he’s been passing out at all the DOJ meetings? Ever heard of the “school to prison pipeline?” No? Well you should, because it’s pretty racist. You’re not allowed to suspend kids from school, particularly if they are not white, because you inadvertently are sentencing them to life in prison.
New name: Probation Road
8. Gingerbread Trail
Can you imagine what this does to poor little red headed children every time they see it? Do you enjoy making little kids cry Joe Petty? Be better than this.
New name: Ed Sheeran Trail
7. Mount Vernon Street
What the fuck?? Hey you insensitive bastards, try opening up a history book. Mount Vernon was George Washington’s home and he owned slaves. It was like the ultimate plantation.
New name: Underground Railroad Terrace
6. Indian Hill Road
Did you idiots not get the memo? They’re called Native Americans. Christopher Columbus only called them Indians because he was overcome with white privilege and institutional racism. There’s also a shitload of streets off of this street named after Native American tribes. Newsflash – you’re not allowed to name ANYTHING after Native Americas. Just ask Daniel Snyder.
New name: Deport White Devils Avenue
5. Wall Street
Did you insensitive dooshnozzles forget about our two week campout we did back in 2011? I guarantee the 1% hasn’t forgotten about our facializing chants. All these white privileged people on Wall Street in Worcester need to get the same wake up call.
New name: Occupy Wall Street
4. Alamo Street
Quick history lesson – everyone who fought at the Alamo was a huge racist. The war with Mexico was nothing more than a land grab by pro-slavery imperialists to extend slavery to the West. I wish Mexico won.
New name: Santa Anna Boulevard
3. Dick Drive
Try to come up with a street name that is more offensive to the lesbian community. You can’t. Might as well call it Cisgender Heterosexual Privilege.
New name: Scissor Street
2. White Avenue
You might as well call this street “White lives matter.” I’ve never seen anything so blatantly offensive. We demand that this racist street be renamed or else we will block it. Good luck getting to St. Nicholas Ave.
New name: Mosaic Cultural Ave
1. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard
As a hippie I can say with certainty that Martin Luther King Jr. was an Uncle Tom. He spoke about being color-blind, and judging people by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin. Hey MLK, what grade did you get in Lisa Dyer’s Cultural Competency 101? Oh yea that’s right, you never took it.
New name: Robert Blackwell-Gibbs Expressway
There’s honestly hundreds of streets we demand that Joe Petty change. This is just the beginning. Let us know what else we should include in our list of DEMANDS. Be warned Worcester City Council – you have 36 hours to meet them. Failure to do so will result in rallies and mass distribution of Gordon Davis literature and signs.