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With the way things are going in this city, someday this Turtleboy might have to up and leave Worcester. But where would you move to if you wanted to stay in Worcester County? To me, the biggest factor in moving to a new place is the traffic and accessibility. How am I gonna get back and forth to the Woo? How much of a pain in the ass is it to move around town? Some towns and cities in Worcester County are better than others when it comes to this. So let’s look at the Top 5 best and worst towns to travel to in Worcester County.

Best 5

5. Charlton

There’s nothing worse than a town that’s far from a major highway. Getting stuck behind some dooshnozzle going 30 mph on a double lined road because he’s got jack shit to do today is the worst. Charlton’s not like that. All you gotta do is jump on 290 until you get to glorious Route 20 West, where you will see Oxford in all it’s splendor

And one of the best parts about driving to Charlton if you have a little free time, is you can stop at Centerfold’s for some lunch, and watch the David Prouty class of ought nine put their high school diplomas to good use!!

Once you enter Charlton

There’s really only one or two lights in the whole town. All you gotta do is take a left at this one

And boom – you’re in the center of town. This is what a traffic jam looks like in Charlton:

4. Sutton

Sutton is cool because it’s actually on the way to something – Providence. I find Barre easy to get to, but why the hell would I ever wanna go to Barre? Sutton actually serves a purpose. It’s also extremely easy to get to and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything resembling traffic there. First of all, it’s right off 146, which is like a driver’s wet dream:

Hot. There’s basically one light that matters in the whole town, and it’s almost always green:

There’s a bunch of exits, including this one, which is brings you to a magical road that takes you literally anywhere in town you wanna go

Of course if you live in a town like Sutton, there isn’t really much there for grocery stores or any other signs of civilization. Luckily, it doesn’t really matter because with roads like this

You can slum it to the Oxford Market Basket in five minutes. And a lot of these small towns have AWFUL downtown areas that are just filled with traffic and morons. Not Sutton though. This is what downtown Sutton looks like:

Sweet. 

3. Sterling

I like Sterling because it’s off of the greatest highway ever built – Interstate 190. I mean, what’s not to like about this?

I could look at that asphalt all day. There’s two exits that take you into Sterling, including this one which drops you off right in the middle of town:

It brings you to Route 12, which reminds me of Lake Ave, except everyone isn’t driving like an asshole.

Then finally it drops you in the middle of town, which fits the Turtleboy standards for limited traffic:

2. Leominster

Everyone associates Fitchburg with Leominster, but I know better. Driving to Leominster is a nice easy little trip. Driving to Fitchburg makes me wanna kill farm animals. So when you see these signs, it’s important to know how different your journey can be:

We’ll see what happens you go right a little later on. But when you go left, you’re basically in the center of Leominster two minutes later:

There’s also a bunch of other ways to sneak yourself into and out of town. Exit 7 is an easy one, and so is this one:

Ahh yes, Mechanic Street. Or as wannabe Leominster hardos like to refer to it as – “the hood.”

1. Boylston

I freaking love driving to Boylston. Driving to Boylston is a borderline orgasmic driving experience. It takes five minutes to get there on 290, and you get off at Exit 23 – AKA the Dragon 88 exit:

Every road in Boylston is wide, which allows driver to comfortably weave back and forth so as to enjoy the driving experience.

This is what a traffic jam looks like in Boylston:

This is what traffic on Main Street looks like:

And this is downtown at rush hour:

Uhhhhh. Boylston. So hot right now.

Honorable mentions: Northbridge, Shrewsbury, West Boylston, anything on 122 west of Worcester (Paxton, Rutland, Oakham, Barre), Westminster, Gardner, Millbury.

Worst

5. West Brookfield

People who live in West Brookfield swear by it. I’m sure it’s a lovely place to live. And don’t get me wrong, the downtown is lovely, which is why it’s ranked fifth.

The problem is getting there. There’s only one way to get to the Brookfield’s and it sucks – Route 9 west. Absolutely terrible. And of course there’s only one way back as well. First you gotta go through Brookfield

then East Brookfield

And it’s not like you’re going through the outskirts of the towns. You’re going through the center of every single one. And once you hit downtown East Brookfield, shit gets bumping. You will inevitably find yourself behind a truck who will drive below the speed limit, because, fuck it, time doesn’t matter.

Then you will enter the magical town of Spencer. You will probably lose your East Brookfield companion at this time and find a new, larger and slower truck to make your time in Spencer last much, much longer than it needs to.

You will pass Whitco, where many a Turtleboy detractor has agreed to meet up with Turtleboy in order to exchange fisticuffs. No police.

Finally, your truck will take you home all the way through beautiful Leicester.

4. Westboro

All of the Boro’s around here are easy to get to except for this one. Driving to Westboro blows. On a map it’s pretty close, but then you realize that there’s only one way to get there – Route 9 east. The ugly-step sister of Route 9 west. First you have to navigate yourself along the clusterfuck that is the Lake Quisig bridge, just to get into Shrewsbury:

Then in Shrewsbury you will be greeted by light, after light, after light, which will almost always be red despite the fact that you are driving on the far busier road at each intersection:

And even when you finally get into Westboro, your work is far from done. You have to follow 135 behind some guy in a 1950’s throwback, while you mosey your ass into the crowded downtown area:

3. Holden

Seriously, fuck Holden. It’s so close, but yet so far away. To me the big appeal of moving to the burbs is to get AWAY from traffic. But not in Holden. They invented traffic in Holden. If you live near Tatnuck or Salisbury Street it’s not that bad, because you can kind of sneak in the back door. But everyone else has to take the highway, and that can really, really suck. Let’s say you have to drop your kid off at Wachusett Regional High School. This requires going all the way through Holden, and then all the way back. First you’d have to get by the light at the school.

Then you’d come across one of the worst lights in Massachusetts in the center of town:

After four or five times of that God forsaken light turning red and green, you will find yourself at the light itself, and notice there is a graveyard right next to it. Presumably where all the people are buried who died while waiting for that light to turn green.

After that you’ll sit in some more traffic

come to the Salisbury Street light:

come to some random light where you have to move to the left in order to go straight, and move to the right in order to go left, which is also straight. Because that makes TONS of sense.

Then you’ll come to Mount View School, which apparently is ALWAYS under construction, and you’ll get stuck there as well.

20 minutes later you’ll come to one more light that will finally deliver you to the promised land of 190…….a couple of miles away.

2. Lunenburg

Never go to Lunenburg. Best advice we could ever give you. It really, really sucks. But if you do go, the only reason I can think of is to get the Chinese food. Because there is a magical Chinese restaurant in Lunenburg that doesn’t make you feel like you just ate Chinese food. It’s like Nancy Chang’s on steroids. To get there you have to take 190 to Route 2 West. Then you get off at the first exit.

Sounds easy right? Wrong. This is where the fun begins. First you come to a stop sign. Good luck if you’re going left. But if you’re going right, it doesn’t look so bad at first.

Then reality sinks in.

Lunenburg is a never-ending depressing line of traffic. The only thing that stops you from killing yourself are the pleasant childhood memories of Whalom Park that this underpass brings back.

Other than that it’s just five miles of traffic to the center of town.

1. Fitchburg

Like I said before, the drive to Fitchburg is a completely different experience than the drive to Leominster. Back when I was on the turtle prowl I could date a turtlebabe who lived in Leominster. But Fitchburg? That’s where I drew the line. I don’t do Fitchburg. The drive alone can kill a relationship. I don’t know who constructed Route 2, which is so far away from the center of the Burg, or why 190 magically ends in Lancaster, but they basically designed it so that the Fitchburg experience is as miserable as it gets. Newsflash – Fitchburg is terrible enough to begin with. The drive only exacerbates that.

Most people when they go the Burg are going to somewhere on the John Fitch Highway. But just to get to there is an adventure. You have to drive through all this single lane crap in Leominster before even entering the Kingdom of the Burg.

Then alas you will come to Bemis Rd, which will be a clusterfuck if you dare try to come back to Worcester this way. It can also bring you to Fitchburg International Airport, which is a great place to catch a quick flight to Sterling International Airport.

Then you’ll finally come to the John Fitch Highway, which is in some classic Fitchburg shape right now.

Now if you wanna go downtown, that’s even more fun. You better pack a lunch, because you’ll be waiting there all day.

And no matter where you go in Fitchburg you have to cross a river at some point. Because apparently Fitchburg is the nexus of the universe.

Some people say that you should take South Street to get back to Route 2, but it’s really no better.

The only good part about Fitchburg is when you leave city limits.

Honorable mention for having terrible traffic downtown: Oxford, Webster, Auburn, Milford, Douglas, Dudley, Northborough, Sturbridge.

Honorable mention for being impossible to get to: Mendon, Blackstone, Warren, Hardwick, Wales, Winchendon.

What did we miss?

Want to have your business advert seen by over 500,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

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